I Miss My Friends

First things first, let's all agree to disable the Screen Time app on our phones.  We all know we are on our phones too much these days but it's OK because sometimes looking at your phone a million times a day in denial that no invitations will be coming in makes us feel more normal.

Here we are, Spring Break 2020 living that 4th week quarantine life.  Personally, I do not think the Government should legally be allowed to call it Spring "Break".  The only thing we are breaking is our backs squatting on the floor trying to teach fine motor skills to our children because we have no choice.

My homeschooling is struggling.  I told Jack last week that we were going to write a book throughout the week.  A new page every day.  Then I forgot and now the only page of the entire book has one sentence.  "I like war."  If you know Jack, you know that the only thing he loves more than snacks is WWII history.

Recently, I have either been choosing to clean my house or entertain my house.  You can tell by my house that I have definitely NOT been ignoring my kids.

My level of boredom is such that I actually found myself wishing for a break out last week so that I would have some zits to  pop.  I miss humans.  Don't get me wrong, I don't need to spend another second with my husband or kids.  But I would love to have a dinner with some friends and experience some gut busting laughter and a million hugs.

One way I have found to pass the time is by getting into really time consuming foods.  I recommend labor intensive oddities like pistachios and grapefruits.  Hell, the other day I ate an entire artichoke by myself just because I wanted a project that would take some time.

How is everyone looking these days without salons being open?  I consider myself pretty low maintenance in the upkeep department.  I won't come out of this with black hair underneath my roots or alarming nail beds.  But I am not going to lie, I could use a little Botox.  I have been furrowing my brow A LOT these days and it looks like I have a full size Oscar Meyer wiener in between my eyebrows.

I've lost all tolerance for real clothes.  I put on jeans and a blouse yesterday and felt like I was suffocating from the general fittedness and lack of elastic.  You know who I bet are really thriving during this time?  Bunions.  They are all breathing a huge sigh of relief not to be crammed into a narrow stiletto to go to work or somewhere fancy.

I don't usually get political but we need to talk about Doctor Deborah Birx, MD.  Her scarf collection and scarf tying game is so strong there is no way she doesn't know Oragami.  

What is the deal with people hoarding toilet paper during a pandemic?  Unless you get a stress induced case of the runs, why would you ever need tons of it?  I bet you that the Charmin bear wipes his ass with $20 bills now he has made so much money from this panic.  I still can't find toilet paper in the stores, not that I ever go in stores anymore.  I finally found some Seventh Generation TP on Amazon and I quite certain from the texture of it that it completely missed the paper mill and is recycled straight from tree bark.  

Speaking of toilet paper, it has become apparent after all this time spent at home together that no one else in my house flushes the toilet and at least one person doesn't even wipe after going #2, so the tp shortage isn't as much of a personal crisis as I originally feared.

Yet another Instagram challenge that I was not nominated for is the First Dance Challenge.  Which is fine by me because I refused to have a first dance because I didn't want people looking at me.  In fact, I insisted on a steel drum band with no vocals to ensure I didn't have to dance at all.  Instead we limboed to the steel beats under a makeshift limbo stick someone made by untwisting the bristles off of a broom stick.  So take that friends who haven't nominated me to do push ups or show other pictures of my first date.  

To all my friends out there, that's all for now.  I fear we shan't meet in person soon so until the next time I get to my computer, deep breaths, heavy pours, and lots and lots of patience.

CORO-Hell-NO!

You know what is funny about the Corona Virus?  Say it with my homeschool students...N-O-T-H-I-N-G!

However, there is one thing that makes me laugh everyday.  The snack bag.  You see, I always lamented the days of the month when I got the preschool snack bag on a Friday for Monday's snack.  I hated having to keep it out of the way all weekend without forgetting to fill it on Monday.  Well guess who got the snack bag the Friday before the 165 day "weekend" we are currently surviving.  I'm keeping it safe and praying I will be able to bring it back before next Fall.

Speaking of schedules and the general passage of time, my new homeschool schedule went from something ambitious to something like this:

7am-6pm: Survive

6pm+: Wine

On the topic of wine, anyone else feel like they could have a Coachella level tolerance after this pandemic is over?  

I totally have a Homeschool Hangover.  First of all, I never sleep through the night anymore.  It's always hard to go back to sleep when you wake up in the middle of the night and start thinking about random things you have to do the next day, like go to the dentist or buy more ham.  But when the world is ending it is considerably more difficult to get back in that REM cycle once your mind starts racing.  Now when I wake up in the middle of the night this is more my train of thought:

- Oh gosh I have to homeschool my kids again tomorrow.  

- Please God don't let my kids get sick.

- I hope it doesn't rain tomorrow so we can leave the house.

- Do I have enough Sauvignon Blanc to last 3 months?

- Shit I promised the kids we would make Rice Crispy Treats tomorrow.  Note to self to not stress eat the entire pain of treats.

- Should I be offended that no one nominated me for the 10 push up challenge on Instagram?

You know, just normal apocalyptic stuff like that.

It is also so hard to get out of bed in the morning when you have nothing real to do.  Which I am pretty sure is the first sign of depression.  But I refuse to complain because I have a lot of perspective about this and know how lucky I am to have a home and resources to teach my kids.  

My heart really does break for those that are losing their jobs and any sense of normalcy and structure they need.  I also feel really bad for cabbage and swiss chard, because no matter how bare the grocery store is, those two undesirables are always still available.

My kids' rogue sock situation is out of control.  I thought it was bad before, but now that we are home all day everyday, its like they are multiplying and covering the floor of every room in the house.

I really need to clear my calendar because all of the calendar tasks reminding me of activities that are cancelled and Evite alerts to post photos of my son's Birthday party that never happened are really bumming me out.  I remember one time when I was 13 I accidentally took a nap in the afternoon and woke up panicked that I had missed my friend's Bar Mitzvah.  Now if I accidentally take a nap I wake up terrified that I don't have anything to do for the next 2 months.  One of those things is true, and I can assure you I made it to do the electric slide at that Bar Mitzvah so hard.

I am so very curious to see if summer goes on as usual since our kids will have missed so much school.  The part of me that wants my kids back to a normal schedule hopes that summer will be abbreviated so the kids can get back to learning ASAP.  And the other extra large part of me that will not have been to a gym in 4 months wants the whole bathing suit season cancelled completely. 

Watch out for me when this thing is over.  I might start French kissing strangers just because I will be so happy to interact with other humans.  Stay safe and stay sane everyone!  Even if I haven't talked to you in 10 years I promise I miss you.

Happy New Year

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Another year gone by.  It was a good one because I am #trulyblessed.  But if I’m being honest I don’t remember a single thing I did this year.  That’s pretty much how I have felt for the last 6 years.  Which is why my main resolution this year is to FOCUS.  I want to always know what day and month it is which will be a pretty big lifestyle change.   

Since I last posted I sprained my ankle a week after having surgery, had to wear a boot for 3 weeks in the peak of summer, and got an acid photo burn on my hand from a mixture of lime juice and the sun.  Too many margaritas and not even SPF makes for another random physical element I suppose.

I should have known the summer wasn’t going to be my peak sexiness on the first day after school ended.  I chased a loose receipt all over the parking lot of the grocery store, only to finally catch it and look up to find 6 sexy firemen walking toward me who had seen the whole tragic pursuit.

Back to the present.  I am sick of watching tv and sick of drinking wine.  I want to read books at night and wake up feeling like a precious innocent.  I am actually excited to make healthy changes this year.  Apparently there is a maximum amount of Real Housewives and Sauvignon Blanc that someone can enjoy.  And I have hit the max.  Send book recommendations!

It’s also come to my attention lately that my nose has almost doubled in size since I was in high school.  I know there’s no way to change it or reverse it.  But I just need you to know that I know. 

I think I am going full yoga this year with some cardio free styling.  I’ve been trying boot camp classes for years and have finally come to terms with the fact that I am too floppy and too prone to lower back injury to make it enjoyable.  I love yoga and it makes me feel like I can live a long life with fewer aches and pains and more positive vibes.  So that’s what I am going to do!

I also resolve to never run again.  I tried once this year and I honestly didn’t remember how to do it.  Every single part of my body was jiggling and it just wasn’t good for my psyche or the general morale of the neighborhood.  I don’t even like to watch other people run.  I feel like I get a new cluster of spider veins every time someone even jogs by me.

I would also like to say I am going to play more pickup games of basketball.  There is a 0% chance this will actually happen but something about a casual game of B-ball with a few strangers excites me greatly. 

This is pretty unrelated to the new year but I truly believe that loose BBQ sauce should not be photographed.  I like it just fine on a nice piece of chicken but don’t put that sauce on tv running down a sandwich.  It’s too thick and it’s disgusting.

That’s all I got for now!  Happy New Year to all!

90210h my gosh

It’s been a long long time since I blogged but I am back!  I recently went to a wedding and got lots of requests to revive Diva Says What, so I had to give the people what they want.

Last time I checked in I was living the dream and my kids were perfect....oh wait no I was complaining about day light savings and might have called my kids assholes.

In the last year I have done seemingly nothing in an endless Groundhog Day but actually a whole a lot has happened.  I bought a new house and sold my old house in one day by myself and pretended to know what I was doing.  I pulled a catering business out of my ass and then put it back in there a year and half later.  It was fun while it lasted but I got scared of the man busting me and I just got so sick of doing dishes and trimming excessive amounts of poultry while my kids were at school that I had to hang up my illegal chefs hat.  But I still do special requests 😉

I met freaking Ian Zeiring in the gift bag aisle of target.  He has the body of 25 year old and the hat of a member of a barbershop quartet.  I didn’t even know what to do afterward.  I called my sister and asked, “How do I even go back to my normal life after having met Ian because I know it won’t be the same?!” It turns out it was the same.  Most people I told didn’t even know who he was.  And then the show he was here filming got canceled basically before I even got home from Target 😬I was so normal and not abrasive in person.  Then I got a little crazy and asked him to come swim with my family via Instagram.  Hey you original 90210 fans get it right?

No...that’s a no...I mean if it were Dillon or Brandon, yes ask him for a group swim.  But not Steve Sanders.  I was clearly not having a fulfilling day.  

Speaking of grasping at straws for a connection, I recently had to go under anesthesia and, upon waking, told nurse April that my name was March...nope.  But I was born in March so maybe I’m not a total sociopath.

I got a hernia repair which was undoubtedly more painful than birthing over 17 pounds of kid.  Pregnancy is truly the gift that keeps on giving to your body.  And do you even know how hard it is to scream at your children with an abdominal wound?  Almost impossible. 

I haven’t had to put a bandage on my stomach since sophomore year of college when, after a rather terrible night, I spilled a bowl of Easy Mac on my stomach and got a 3rd degree burn.  My roommates did their drunken best of taking care of me and applying slices of kraft singles to my wound, but nothing could save it from the burn.  The scar remains today.  No scar makes a parent prouder than an easy mac scar.  I really went to bat for my buzz...I’ve never eaten Easy Mac since.

I wish I could make a PSA to all teens and twenties to love their bodies before having kids.  I look back at pictures from when I was young and thin and remember being self conscious at the time.  Oh silly young Marilyn.  Little did I know that a mere decade later I would have to hold my crotch and stomach while sneezing so that I didn’t pee in my pants and rupture my hernia stitches at the same time.

There is nothing I love more than a random act of kindness and when I was the recipient of them after my surgery it brought a tear to me eye to realize how lucky I am to have such great friends.  They brought me pizza, wine, books, casseroles, stool softeners...what more could a gal ask for?

I feel like in our thirties, it’s so easy to get caught up on making money, trying to look a certain way, and caring what people think of us.  Sometimes I think I care and try to buy outfits that aren’t even from Old Navy and then I realize I truly, madly, deeply, don’t give a shit.  All I care really about in life is raising kind kids, having a few close friends that make me laugh, and having a great relationship with my spouse and family.  

That’s truly all I need in life.  Well, that, dental floss and a full size brush.

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I also saw Boyz II Men in concert which was truly epic to me.  Even though it took some adjusting to their 3 part harmony since my boy Mike is no longer it the group, I had the time of my life signing along.  I took it upon myself to play the part of Mariah Carey when they sang One Sweet Day because she shockingly wasn’t there. I sang so hard I could barely speak after the concert, but I managed, made my friend take a photo session of me at a college bar, and narrowly escaped what would have been a tragic karaoke version of Motownphilly because I got too tired and had to go home. 

Now that I am no longer under suspicion of running a food truck as the gals at the meet counter at Harris Teeter accused me of, I am pretty free and ready to keep up the blog.  Hopefully I’ll stick to it. Happy Summer!

Daylight Savings/Need Saving

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I'll be the first to say it out loud - It's hard to like your kids this time of year. What with the time change, early morning wake ups, lack of sunlight after 5pm, and continuing whining about wanting to eat Halloween candy.  I said it on Facebook a few years ago, but it bares repeating: Daylight Savings is when you gain an hour but lose the will to live.

I can't believe it's going to be 80 degrees tomorrow.  I love Fall and was SO excited about packing my spider veins away for the winter.  Now I have figure out how to dress again for the rest of the week.  I struggle with clothes for warm weather.

Speaking of clothes, everyone really seemed to like my jazz boot story in my last post.  It was not an isolated event.  I remember another time at my last job when I thought I looked smart in my navy trousers and white short sleeved button up.  It was around lunchtime when I caught a glance in then bathroom mirror and realized I looked like a Cuban senior citizen wearing an authentic guayabera.

Also, I had at least a 4 year period of my 20’s in which I unknowingly dressed as a man.  I had a collection of thick J Crew chinos in every color, especially dark khaki, and I paired them with men’s polo shirts.  In a size men’s small, of course, because I have always been petite.  I wish I had a picture to share but it was just before the dawn of digital photos.  Maybe that was for the best.

I have a very specific memory of wearing my chinos in Chicago one summer.  Did you know the Windy City isn't always windy?  I literally did not.  I went in the height of summer, armed with my bevy of chinos and polos.  I thought it was always cold there.  Until I sweated through my pants at Wrigley Field and got such a bad sunburn on my forearms that I had to cover them with brochures on a boat tour the next day.  I went to Walgreens after the boat tour and tried to buy sunscreen SPF 90.  A sympathetic black lady at the counter said, "You know they make that in 100."  Naturally I went back to the sunscreen aisle to get the max protection for my alabaster skin.

Why can’t there just be 5 pairs of shoes for sale that all look good?  Every time I am determined to upgrade my 5 pair collection of sexually ambiguous loafers, I get overwhelmed by the 470,000 shoe options on the Zappos or Nordstrom website, and I end up just quitting and taking a nap.  I did go out on a limb earlier this summer and get some fashionable wedges with a high heel and super chic fabric and color.  And then I realized if I walk more than 0.5 mph in them, I will instantly collapse.

Most of the time my house is so messy it looks like I’m in the middle of a move.  How do kids do it?  I know it's considered ideal to have a house where you can see the floor, but it's so hard not to give up sometimes.  The only time my house is truly clean is for about a half hour when the housekeepers come every other week.  Then the kids show up and it's back to Sanford and Son status.

Remember when they used to not let you bring cuticle clippers on planes after 9/11?  That was a tough time.  I’ve always been a nervous flyer but during that period my fear of crashing was equally matched by my fear of getting a hang skin and not being able to nip it with a clean cut.  Thank goodness now they just don’t let you bring water in from the outside.  I would much rather be dehydrated than have unruly cuticles.

That's my thought dump of the month.  If anyone has any ground breaking indoor activities for these long dark afternoons, holler at your girl.  Or just come over and have some wine with me and make our kids entertain each other.

Proof of Life

Since I am taking a medical/hurricane leave of absence from my illegal catering company, I decided I need to force myself back on to society and give the old blog some love.

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What in the fresh hell is the deal with face tattoos these days? All the kids are listening to this guy, Post Malone.  Scary, isn’t it!  I actually looked up all his google images to see the progression of his face art and my heart broke for his mother each time a new tattoo appeared. Can you even imagine?!  Nothing would bring me greater sadness than my son walking through the door with the words “Always Sleepy” permanently inked below his eyes. I mean, I get it.  I literally am always tired. But I can just tell you that straight up verbally with no tattoo needed.  One time my sister died her hair purple with Kool-Aid and you would have thought she had sold her body for drugs my mom was so crushed.  Poor Mrs. Malone.

If you’re like me, you probably have no idea who Post Malone is.  I don’t even know how I know who he is.  Grant was recently so disappointed in me because I didn’t know who anyone was who was performing at Coachella this year.  I used to be pretty up to speed on the hot current artists and go to lots of concerts.  Now I only listen to Fifth Harmony on Pandora when I exercise and Barney on road trips.  I am about as basic as they come these days.

I was on a bachelorette party in Nashville last month and we signed up for a spin class.  I was a little hungover but ready to sweat out my headache.  Then they turned all the damn lights off and started bumping A$AP Rocky and other such rap artists I have never heard of.  Even though I felt like I was going to have a panic attack because I was locked into my pedals and spinning in complete darkness, it made me giggle to envision the 46 all white women bachelorette attendees (different parties) getting their exercise to the soothing sounds of really hardcore racial rap music that we have no business trying to sing along to. 

I have a tip for you.  If you ever want to feel like a total asshole, get a facial after a natural disaster.  I went to see my regular person last week and you can only imagine what a jerk I felt like while she told me about her brother’s house that was completely underwater, as she jade rolled my adult acne.

I wonder if I don’t blog anymore because I might be running out of things to complain about?!  My kids sleep through the night, I am done with cribs and morning naps, and Katie only has accidents 3 times a day and always on upholstery.  It’s funny that my kids like to dress up in my clothes.  I guess because I am old and have the wonderful responsibility of holding keys and driving and all that luscious stuff I used to covet as a kid, that they think I’m cool.  Little do they know I am the world’s worst dresser.  

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Did I ever tell you about the time that I unknowingly wore jazz shoes to the first day of my first ever real job?  I also paired them with tapered, pin striped pants and I really think I thought I looked chic and professional.  I am not exaggerating when I saw that my sister’s jaw literally dropped when she saw me after work that day.  It was a visual crime against humanity.  I need a stylist. Did I also ever tell you that my first real job was at the DC headquarters of 1-800-PackRat...and that I answered the phone 100 times a day saying, "1-800-PackRat, this is Marilyn.  How can I help you?"  My parents were so proud.

So…that’s what’s new with me these days.  Power has been restored.  Internet works about an hour every day.  Sanity and emotional stability are still in question but everyone is powering through and trying to help those affected by the hurricane.  We are definitely lucky compared to many in surrounding areas.  I hope everyone is well!

Until next time…