I Miss My Friends

First things first, let's all agree to disable the Screen Time app on our phones.  We all know we are on our phones too much these days but it's OK because sometimes looking at your phone a million times a day in denial that no invitations will be coming in makes us feel more normal.

Here we are, Spring Break 2020 living that 4th week quarantine life.  Personally, I do not think the Government should legally be allowed to call it Spring "Break".  The only thing we are breaking is our backs squatting on the floor trying to teach fine motor skills to our children because we have no choice.

My homeschooling is struggling.  I told Jack last week that we were going to write a book throughout the week.  A new page every day.  Then I forgot and now the only page of the entire book has one sentence.  "I like war."  If you know Jack, you know that the only thing he loves more than snacks is WWII history.

Recently, I have either been choosing to clean my house or entertain my house.  You can tell by my house that I have definitely NOT been ignoring my kids.

My level of boredom is such that I actually found myself wishing for a break out last week so that I would have some zits to  pop.  I miss humans.  Don't get me wrong, I don't need to spend another second with my husband or kids.  But I would love to have a dinner with some friends and experience some gut busting laughter and a million hugs.

One way I have found to pass the time is by getting into really time consuming foods.  I recommend labor intensive oddities like pistachios and grapefruits.  Hell, the other day I ate an entire artichoke by myself just because I wanted a project that would take some time.

How is everyone looking these days without salons being open?  I consider myself pretty low maintenance in the upkeep department.  I won't come out of this with black hair underneath my roots or alarming nail beds.  But I am not going to lie, I could use a little Botox.  I have been furrowing my brow A LOT these days and it looks like I have a full size Oscar Meyer wiener in between my eyebrows.

I've lost all tolerance for real clothes.  I put on jeans and a blouse yesterday and felt like I was suffocating from the general fittedness and lack of elastic.  You know who I bet are really thriving during this time?  Bunions.  They are all breathing a huge sigh of relief not to be crammed into a narrow stiletto to go to work or somewhere fancy.

I don't usually get political but we need to talk about Doctor Deborah Birx, MD.  Her scarf collection and scarf tying game is so strong there is no way she doesn't know Oragami.  

What is the deal with people hoarding toilet paper during a pandemic?  Unless you get a stress induced case of the runs, why would you ever need tons of it?  I bet you that the Charmin bear wipes his ass with $20 bills now he has made so much money from this panic.  I still can't find toilet paper in the stores, not that I ever go in stores anymore.  I finally found some Seventh Generation TP on Amazon and I quite certain from the texture of it that it completely missed the paper mill and is recycled straight from tree bark.  

Speaking of toilet paper, it has become apparent after all this time spent at home together that no one else in my house flushes the toilet and at least one person doesn't even wipe after going #2, so the tp shortage isn't as much of a personal crisis as I originally feared.

Yet another Instagram challenge that I was not nominated for is the First Dance Challenge.  Which is fine by me because I refused to have a first dance because I didn't want people looking at me.  In fact, I insisted on a steel drum band with no vocals to ensure I didn't have to dance at all.  Instead we limboed to the steel beats under a makeshift limbo stick someone made by untwisting the bristles off of a broom stick.  So take that friends who haven't nominated me to do push ups or show other pictures of my first date.  

To all my friends out there, that's all for now.  I fear we shan't meet in person soon so until the next time I get to my computer, deep breaths, heavy pours, and lots and lots of patience.

CORO-Hell-NO!

You know what is funny about the Corona Virus?  Say it with my homeschool students...N-O-T-H-I-N-G!

However, there is one thing that makes me laugh everyday.  The snack bag.  You see, I always lamented the days of the month when I got the preschool snack bag on a Friday for Monday's snack.  I hated having to keep it out of the way all weekend without forgetting to fill it on Monday.  Well guess who got the snack bag the Friday before the 165 day "weekend" we are currently surviving.  I'm keeping it safe and praying I will be able to bring it back before next Fall.

Speaking of schedules and the general passage of time, my new homeschool schedule went from something ambitious to something like this:

7am-6pm: Survive

6pm+: Wine

On the topic of wine, anyone else feel like they could have a Coachella level tolerance after this pandemic is over?  

I totally have a Homeschool Hangover.  First of all, I never sleep through the night anymore.  It's always hard to go back to sleep when you wake up in the middle of the night and start thinking about random things you have to do the next day, like go to the dentist or buy more ham.  But when the world is ending it is considerably more difficult to get back in that REM cycle once your mind starts racing.  Now when I wake up in the middle of the night this is more my train of thought:

- Oh gosh I have to homeschool my kids again tomorrow.  

- Please God don't let my kids get sick.

- I hope it doesn't rain tomorrow so we can leave the house.

- Do I have enough Sauvignon Blanc to last 3 months?

- Shit I promised the kids we would make Rice Crispy Treats tomorrow.  Note to self to not stress eat the entire pain of treats.

- Should I be offended that no one nominated me for the 10 push up challenge on Instagram?

You know, just normal apocalyptic stuff like that.

It is also so hard to get out of bed in the morning when you have nothing real to do.  Which I am pretty sure is the first sign of depression.  But I refuse to complain because I have a lot of perspective about this and know how lucky I am to have a home and resources to teach my kids.  

My heart really does break for those that are losing their jobs and any sense of normalcy and structure they need.  I also feel really bad for cabbage and swiss chard, because no matter how bare the grocery store is, those two undesirables are always still available.

My kids' rogue sock situation is out of control.  I thought it was bad before, but now that we are home all day everyday, its like they are multiplying and covering the floor of every room in the house.

I really need to clear my calendar because all of the calendar tasks reminding me of activities that are cancelled and Evite alerts to post photos of my son's Birthday party that never happened are really bumming me out.  I remember one time when I was 13 I accidentally took a nap in the afternoon and woke up panicked that I had missed my friend's Bar Mitzvah.  Now if I accidentally take a nap I wake up terrified that I don't have anything to do for the next 2 months.  One of those things is true, and I can assure you I made it to do the electric slide at that Bar Mitzvah so hard.

I am so very curious to see if summer goes on as usual since our kids will have missed so much school.  The part of me that wants my kids back to a normal schedule hopes that summer will be abbreviated so the kids can get back to learning ASAP.  And the other extra large part of me that will not have been to a gym in 4 months wants the whole bathing suit season cancelled completely. 

Watch out for me when this thing is over.  I might start French kissing strangers just because I will be so happy to interact with other humans.  Stay safe and stay sane everyone!  Even if I haven't talked to you in 10 years I promise I miss you.