Pregnancy in Review

Today is my official due date.  I'm either still pregnant.  Or I'm a mom.  I'm writing this in advance so please, please let it be the latter. 

 

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Once I finished my job and my real estate class I officially had nothing to do but wait for this baby to arrive.  That's a weird and scary feeling.  There's just no getting around that.

 

Maybe that's how this whole pregnancy thing works.  When the enormity of what about to happen finally hits you, you are so physically miserable that it becomes the lesser of two daunting situations so you have no choice but to embrace it.  I'm officially at the point where I'd rather be a scared, clueless, exhausted new mom than a barely mobile, un fun, whale of a human being. 

 

So let's hope that when this post comes out I'm either in the hospital with a baby that was right on time, or napping with him like two peaceful angels in the nursery because he decided to come on the weekend when it was just super convenient for everyone.  Hey, a girl can dream.

 

I thought that in honor of my due date I'd jot down a few things I learned during pregnancy so that I wouldn't forget next time (of which there will only be one next time).

 

1) Michelle Duggar is certifiably insane.  As are all other people who say they like being pregnant.  That's not a real thing.  I like knowing that I'm about to have a cute baby in my life forever that my husband and I made.  But I am not going to front and tell you I like having people stare at me, the constant urge to pee, the 30 extra pounds I'm carrying around, and hips and back that can only be described as "rotty".

 

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2) I never want to be overweight.  The people on the Biggest Loser talk about how emotionally devastated they are from being overweight and it's causes and effects, but they need to talk more about how hard it is to get up from a chair and pick up a dropped pencil.  That is the real shit of being large and in charge.  Every day activities are borderline impossible.

 

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3) I blamed too many things on alcohol.  As it turns out, I always look like shit on Saturday mornings and 5 out of 10 times I can barely remember what I watched on TV the night before.  Sorry white wine, I blamed it all on you when really I'm just kind of gross.  In related news, it seems that my face started eating my makeup during pregnancy.  So if you saw me looking ghostly and unkempt, it wasn't because I didn't try.  My effort just kept vanishing in the midst of my new found jowls. 

 

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4) Not being hungover ever is literally the best thing ever.  I am definitely going to incorporate more of that in my life post-pregnancy.  I did allow myself a glass of wine every now and then and I learned that a small glass really is enough to satisfy the desire for alcohol sometimes.  Who knew?!  A whole bottle is not always necessary.  I know, I'm shocked too!

 

5) Enough about alcohol.  Let's talk about the real drug in my life now.  SUGAR.  My name is Marilyn and I am addicted to sugar.  I used to not give a real rat's ass about dessert.  During the last few months of pregnancy if I didn't have dessert after every single meal, I got a little panicky", to put it mildly.  I'm kind of scared that the Fresh Market is going to go out of business now that I no longer work across the street and get bulk candy every single day.  This needs to stop ASAP.  Please, whatever you do, don't bring my desserts if you come to visit.  They stand no chance against my extreme addiction. 

 

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6) Not being able to sleep in whatever position you want is a special kind of hell that I never knew existed.  Once I have this baby I am going to get really creative with my sleeping positions just because I can.  I don't really know what that means, but I know that it won't involve a semi-permanent imprint of my underwear in my hips from being forced to sleep on one of two sides every night for nearly a year.  Side sleeping is SO last trimester.

 

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I think that's all for now.  I'm sure when I am up at 4 AM in the morning with dookie on my face and a screaming baby in my ear that I'll look back at these trivial lessons and laugh, even wish I was able to be that fat sleepless idiot trying to catch a REM cycle on her right side while clutching a body pillow for dear life.  But for now, assuming that when this publishes I am with child (on the outside of my body), I'm going to be a blissfully happy camper.