Biggest Loser Most Obvious Butt

I was just watching the Biggest Loser and caught this little gem after an overly dramatic commercial for The Voice:

 

 

How's that for a Segway.

 

Adam Levin...Christina Aguilera...The Voice...Bob Harper...ASS!!!!!!

 

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With a bonus Ruben Studdard at the end :)  I voted for that Velvet Teddy Bear so many times on American Idol during college.  Those were the good old days.

 

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Slow Cooker Thai Chicken

I made this soup on Sunday because it sounded good and looked gorgeous.  And it did not disappoint!  I will be making this again and again.  And even adding other fun things like water chestnuts and bean sprouts for crunch.

 

Slow Cooker Thai Chicken Soup

 

On it's on the soup has a very lovely, mild thai flavor.  But with the addition of some beloved Sriracha, it is like Thai spicy delight.  I also added chopped peanuts and scallions to my bowl each time I had it.  Which was 4 times.  Because it was that delicious.  It makes 6 servings but Grant got the other two.  I win that one!

 

This is the beautiful picture that inspired me from FoodieCrush.com:

 

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These are my pictures...womp womp:

 

With Rice

 

 

With Rice Noodles

 

 

 

Infinitely uglier than the original picture but both were equally as delicious!  Gee golly gosh I love a slow cooker recipe!  It warms the soul, the belly, the kitchen, and the ease with which you can enjoy dinnertime.

Ingredients

2 tablespoons red curry paste

2 12 ounce cans of coconut milk

2 cups chicken stock

2 tablespoons fish sauce

2 tablespoons brown sugar

2 tablespoons peanut butter

1 1/2 pounds chicken breasts, cut into 1 1/2 inch pieces

1 red bell pepper, seeded and sliced into 1/4 inch slices

1 onion, thinly sliced

1 heaping tablespoon fresh ginger, minced

1 cup frozen peas, thawed

1 tablespoon lime juice

cilantro for garnish

cooked white rice

Instructions

1. Mix the curry paste, coconut milk, chicken stock, fish sauce, brown sugar and peanut butter in a 4-1/2 to 6-quart slow-cooker bowl. Place the chicken breast, red bell pepper, onion and ginger in the slow cooker, cover and cook on high for 4 hours.
2. Add in the peas and cook for 1/2 hour longer. Stir in lime juice and serve with cilantro and white rice.

NJDiva

Even though I know it means New Jersey, I so want this to be Ninja Diva.  And I want the Texas star to be like a diva ninja throwing star.

 

 

Nonetheless, kudos to the NJ Diva for bringing her special flare to the great state of Texas.  Represent!

Fertility Fodder from the 40's

Did you know...

 

According to this book, "Since the very dawn of civilization efforts have been made to devise a satisfactory test for pregnancy...during the Middle Ages the omniscient physician merely gazed at the urine and in this way claimed to be able to diagnosticate not only pregnancy but many other conditions."

 

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Well, that sounds reliable.  Luckily now there are real tests like blood work and freakishly dimensional ultrasounds.

 

But back in the 40's they were "lucky" to have other methods of determining pregnancy.  Such as the following:

 

"We have at last a sound and trustworthy test for pregnancy and interestingly enough it is performed, like the tests of old, on urine.  In carrying out the test a small quantity of morning urine is injected into a mouse or rabbit.  If the urine comes from a pregnant woman, definite and characteristic changes are produced in the ovaries of the animal within forty-eight or seventy-two hour."

 

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First of all, can I get a shout out for "morning urine".  Love that term.

 

Second of all, that might sound grotesque and barbaric, but to me it's much better than the next method discussed in this chapter, "LABORATORY TESTS".

 

"During recent years a similar test which makes use of the South African toad as the test animal has gained wide popularity.  Within eight to eighteen hours after the urine of a pregnant woman has been injected into female toads of this variety, myriads of eggs are extruded which can be plainly seen on he floor of the aquarium in which the toads are kept.  This test is often loosely referred to as the "frog test".

 

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Sometimes change is a bad thing.  Like when they take the Buffalo Chicken sandwich off the menu at Hardee's.  Or when Facebook makes you manually disable a new setting that allows the world to steal your private pictures. 

 

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But when it comes to injecting toads and rabbits with our urine, I like change.  I like it a lot.  I'd rather give a lab tech my blood than a toad my morning urine any day of the week.

I Heart the Biking Population

Recently it has come to my attention that in biking, unlike in any other sport, there are a lot of dudes with huge beer bellies.

 

It makes perfect sense when you think about it.  Wearing this when you have a big ol' tum tum really isn't a big deal:

 

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You're all covered up and most of these guys have skinny legs anyway so the spandex is NBD.

 

Wearing this on the other hand:

 

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Not going to happen when you have more than 20% body fat.  Running is not the sport for those who prefer the 12 oz. curl over the 12 mile run.  And I'm not judging.  I am 100% one of the former.

 

And when it comes down to it biking is just plain fun!  The breeze through your hair, riding around like you just don't care.  It's all good stuff.

 

Running is like the Raw Food Diet of cardio.  It sucks in every way possible except that it's good for you.  But, literally, in every other way possible - SUCK CITY.

 

 

Hooray for biking and for stomachs with enough fat on them to reflect lifestyle choices of fun and food.  That's what life is all about.  At least my life.

Running just makes me mad.

Shut Up Sky Mall Magazine - Nettlestone Library Ensemble

I'm currently in the air most likely reading another riveting copy of Sky Mall magazine.  This find, however, comes from Early Spring 2013 edition that I just unearthed while cleaning my desk.

 

The Nettlestone Library Ensemble

 

 



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There are a lot of stupid things in Sky Mall Magazine, but few are stupider than a $1000 table that daylights as a bookshelf. 

 

Why would that be necessary?  Are out-in-the-open tables something to be ashamed of? 

 

Or do some people just prefer the arduous task of assembling their table before each use?  Heaven for bid the table be sitting ready for...well, sitting.

 

 

First of all, books don't look like this.  Closed, open, big, small -- they just don't. 

 

 

 

This is the table in it's table form:

 

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Perfect table for a tea party! 

 

It actually has wonderful reviews which made me feel like a cynical bitch.  It also reminded me that for most of my life we had a coffee table that was a set of faux books and I loved it. 

 

Nonetheless, $1000 for fake books you sit on.  No thanks Sky Mall.  You lose again.

Lulu Hooha

Do you remember earlier this year when Lulu Lemon had to recall some of their yoga pants because they were completely see thru?

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Well if you didn't ever get that memo than you are not unlike the two ladies I've seen in the last few months in yoga and pure barre...whose entire lady bits I am now intimately familiar with after having them placed, in a variety of toning positions, right in my face for an hour each respectively.

 

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I would totally tell a friend.  Even a casual acquaintance.  But it's just too damn awkward to tell a total stranger that you can see their complete vagina.  Especially after having not said anything for the entire hour before. 

 

Lulu Lemon, maybe do some fitness ladies a solid and re-release that announcement?  Clearly there are a few among us who missed it the first time!

 

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I Hate My Hair

It must have been a painfully slow night for TV this past Saturday:

 

 

I mean, I do too, but no one wants to watch a half hour about that nonsense.  Talk about first world problems!

More from Expectant Motherhood

Ah, the good old days of the 40's.  When butter was a food group and quitting smoking was actually frowned upon during pregnancy...

 

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This brings us to what is by far my favorite excerpt from this book, and not even slightly embellished on my part.  Very fitting for the weekend too, because if you are pregnant, you might not be able to smoke or drink, you can still giggle:

 

"While most obstetrical authorities, then, disapprove of excessive smoking in pregnancy (twenty-five or more cigarettes daily), there is no reason for believing that a woman who smokes moderately, let us say ten cigarettes or less a day, need change her custom at this time.  If you have been used to smoking considerably more than this for several years, by no means try to give them up in pregnancy.  There is no surer way of upsetting the nerves at a period when you should be calm and happy, or of converting a placid, sweet-tempered girl into an intolerable shrew.  With negligible effort, even the most inveterate smoker can usually be content with a package a day or somewhat less, and if you arrange this there is no great cause for concern."

 

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So to sum up, don't you dare try to quit smoking if you currently smoke more than 10 cigs a day, just because you are pregnant!  Heaven forbid you turn into an intolerable shrew!

 

Mind = Blown

Fertility Fodder from the Forties

Move over Bossypants and Mindy Kaling.

 

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There is a new funniest book in town. 

 

It's called Expectant Motherhood by Nicholson J. Eastman and it was published in 1947.  To say things have changed since then in the world of prenatal science is an understatement.  It's also the basis for some remarkable dissection in this book, of which I have selected a few to share with you.

 

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For instance, in the chapter titled "Diet and Hydiene in Pregnancy", there is an entire good group, Group 7, called Butter and Fortified Margarine.

 

Maybe I was born in the wrong decade!  Because I love some real butter like it ain't no body's business.  This book is hilarious for a lot of reasons, but mainly for it's wicked contradictions. 

 

 

There is a whole additional chapter called "Weight Control in Pregnancy", which they hit you with after declaring that butter is a food group!  Than after they tell you the 8 steps to controlling your weight during pregnancy, and that "it is rare for expectant mothers, even though thy be of rather sedentary habits, to gain excessively if they are actually, day in and day out, on a 1900 calorie diet," they provide you with a table of a typical day's menu.  That menu, folks, adds up to a range of 2500-3600 calories. 

 

So by following these guidelines, you are sure to either lose weight during pregnancy, gain a healthy amount, or die of a heart attack from eating almost twice the amount you should actually eat.  Sound advice, 1940's.  With plenty more to come.

 

 

DON JON

This is really more of a PSA than anything, but be advised:

 

DO NOT GO SEE DON JON WITH ANYONE THAT YOU ARE RELATED TO, THAT YOU BARELY KNOW, THAT YOU WANT TO EVENTUALLY HAVE NORMAL SEX WITH, OR THAT YOU AREN'T LEGALLY BOUND TO HANG OUT WITH AGAIN AFTERWARD.

 

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It will scar you for life.  And that's just the first 5 minutes.  Those first five minutes use every non-fancy word to describe every female body part that exists on UrbanDictionary.com.  And then some.  And the additional hour and 25 minutes after that is all about sex and porn.

 

Grant and I go to the movies about once a year.  We picked this one just because it was the perfect time to get us out in an hour and half and allow us to eat Brixx around 7pm.  Those are our priorities.  Not to get too much culture, and to always base everything around food.  So basically we had no idea what the movie was about.

 

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I bet the only people more surprised than us about the content of the movie were the three 60 something year old grey haired ladies sitting in front of us.  I say that, not because they were 60-ish.  But because they looked like the had just decided, right after church group, to go catch a flick together.  And that is what they got.  Poor little lambs.



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For a second I thought, "Wow I wish I was alone watching this because it's just too uncomfortable to see in the presence of others."  But then I realized that would be the creepiest way to see it of all.  If you know what I mean.

 

I actually really liked the ending of the movie.  But the beginning and in between was truly cray cray.  You've been warned.

What to Expect When You Have Even Marginal Common Sense

The only modern literature I've been reading about being pregnant is What to Expect When You're Expecting.  I say "modern" literature because I have gone some good stuff coming your way from the pregnancies of yester year. 

 

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But honestly, in this world of apps and the Internet, who needs to read 500 pages about non applicable ailments when you just want to feel as normal as possible and not like a rapidly expanding hypochondriac?

 

I prefer not to be told how I'm supposed to be feeling.  I think it's 90% psychological.  I told myself I wasn't tired in the first trimester and I made it to the gym almost everyday.  Granted, I ended up burning like 60 calories in a half hour, but at least I Jedi-mind tricked myself into making it there each time.  That's half the battle.

 

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My whole point, besides to imply that I hate the written word, is that the book is total common sense for the most part.  I did learn to stop using my usual face wash with salicylic acid, which could NOT have come at a worse time since my skin was OOC.  But I got some Cerave and am now dealing with what can only be described as skull-ne.

 

But besides that I learned some really ground breaking things like: Don't do drugs, don't eat raw chicken, don't drink a pitcher of margaritas.

 

I was also able to skip about 300 pages of the book that didn't apply to me like:

-What to do when you are addicted to cocaine and pregnant

-What to do when you have chlamydia and become pregnant

-What to do if you are having sextuplets

 

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So it ended up being a pretty quick read!  Stay tuned for some mind blowing tips from the 40's coming next week.

 

Are there any other pregnancy books you have read that actually taught you a lot?!  I'm open-minded, but with a strong preference for Television, so make it count!

 

Animal Arithmetic

I saw this license plate, not surprisingly, as I was leaving the Vet's office yesterday picking up some medicine for my baby girl, Ro Ro.

 

Rosie has been experiencing her menses for the last 2 weeks.  It's been a really interesting experience for us all.  But do not ask her about, she's not ready to talk about it.

 

Don't be ashamed Rosie.  You're a woman now!

 

The medicine I was getting was actually for heart worms.  I just thought I'd take this opportunity to over share about my dog's menstrual cycle.

 

So, the license plate.

 

 

 

The only thing I can say to this is...Actually, it does not equal that?  I looked it up.  Kid is not even another word for a horse, baby or otherwise.

 

Sure I'm basically letting my dog use my entire house as a her personal maxi pad.  And sure I've wished more times than not that I could carry her around in a Baby Bjorn.  And I feed her more organic food than I feed myself.  But that's Rosie.  She isn't even my kid.  She's my princess.

 

 

 

You can't fit a horse in a Baby Bjorn.  You can't cradle it in your arms and tell it everything is going to be alright.  You can't fit in a makeshift hammock that you make with a combination of your legs and a Snuggie.

 

 

It's just not the same.  HRSE does not = Kid.

Push Presents - Love 'Em or Leave 'Em (or don't have a choice)?

Let me preface this by saying I won't be getting one.  My husband has already told me that he will never, ever support the concept.  Fine by me.  Why would I want him to spend a bunch of our money on something materialistic for me when we need to be saving for our baby's future - both far, like college, and near...like poop catchers.

 

I already told him I'd be more than delighted with a fully loaded Italian sub for my push present.  9 months is about 9 months too long to go without my favorite mixed medley of Italian meats.  Fatties, am I right!?

 

Hello, gorgeous.

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Wine, sure I miss you.  Beer, shockingly I haven't thought about you much.  Deli meats - my heart yearns for you!!!

 

Anyway, back to the ridiculous modern invention at hand: Push Presents.  Whoever invented this is some sort of evil genius.  In fact, if it wasn't so new I'd swear my grandmother did it.  Or really any of a number of cunning rich white people I know.  I'm talking diamonds, gold, and other jewels, not just a new pair of pajamas.

 

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That being said, if anyone who thinks they need/want/deserve a lavish push present and you need to be humbled, check out this board post from my "birth club" on Baby Center.  Some are very own to earth and non materialistic, and some are just plain cut throat:

 

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"My push present was my daughter. I don't need or want my husband to buy me anything for having our child."

 

"I think it's pretty dumb. You were just gifted the most amazing thing ever and now you husband is supposed to go out and buy you something as some sort of thank you or whatever...dumb and superficial. I have a friend that obsesses over it and I want to punch her in the face every time she mentions it. I am choosing to have this baby, right? I don't need a thank you, I have my baby...that I wanted."

 

And my favorite:

 

" Honestly, I didn't get a push present and didn't want one. I did however give my husband a present for putting up with a psychotic wife during the 9 months lol this pregnancy,

 

Now let me switch gears for a minute and be one of those needy snobs.  I just realized that, like her mom, my baby is going to have a semi-precious stone for her birth stone.  If it's a boy, no big whoop (unless he's a fabulous gay man).  But if it's a girl, my apologies in advance.  Don't get me wrong, aquamarines are pretty and they make my eyes pop.  And your husband and parents are probably going to be much more likely to getting you a birth stone if it cost less than renting a bouncy house.  But sometimes a lady wants a compelling reason to be gifted a sapphire or diamond.  My birthstone may be semi-precious but I'm all the way precious.  It just seems like a mismatch.

 

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Ok, now I'm back to being "down to earth". ;)