Is the Doctor in?

Recently I had the distinct pleasure forced experience of watching the Dr. Oz show at the gym.  I always wonder who sets those TVs to these ridiculous shows.  Anyway...

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The episode that aired that day was nothing short of horrifying.  The title of the episode was "Dr. Oz Answers Your Most Awkward Questions of All Time!" and the awkward questions involved the following topics:

1)  Butt acne
2) Jog-gasms
3) Excessive sweating
4) Being asked when you are due when you are not even pregnant

People, Google exists for a reason.  You can figure out everything you need to know about why you have zits on your butt and why light cardio makes you randy.  You do not need to go on national television to announce this to Dr. Oz and shame your family name forever.

Any what to do about that last issue seems pretty simple.  Eat less cheeseburgers.

What all the awkwardness here: Dr. Oz Answers Your Most Awkward Questions of All Time!

Footlong

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I love how Subway is touting their February Footlong special as "The Biggest Footlong Event of the Year".

First of all, don't feel too special.  I'm pretty that's also the only Footlong Event of the Year.

Second of all, it's only February.  The year just started.

I hope I never win that contest.  I need a lifetime of endless footlong sandwiches like I need a whole in my Spanx.

Tap Taparoo

Last night's Oscars were just swell.  The highlight for me was definitely the musical montage featuring Chicago, Dreamgirls, and Les Miserables.

The low light was when this random lady gave the most pitiful little clap of all time following Jennifer Hudson's super fierce performance:

She just kept two-finger-tapping the clasp on her clutch.  That clearly is making no noise.  Show a little respect you anonymous lady.  That is not only one of the best power ballads in the history of cinema.  It's also the #1 song my sister and I like to belt out after a few cocktails and pretend we can sing...like, until our faces hurt and we are seriously winded.  Which will hopefully be happening this weekend when we reunite.

Watch the faux clap here:

Head Cold to the Max

Yesterday I went through a whole box of tissues and most of the skin on my nose.  Now all I want to do is this, to myself:

It was only a matter of time before I became infected after writing this.  Ow.

Grocery Store Adventures

You know what really rubs my rump (I may be taking some artistic liberties with that expression)?  When you go to the grocery store with reusable bags and good intentions...and then you get 2 forty pound bags overflowing with groceries...and 2 limp, empty bags with nothing in them.

Why, oh why, would any bagger think that is kosher?  Just because I care about the environment doesn't mean I don't care about having to schlep 2 grocery boulders to my car with my extra lifeless bags blowing in the wind.



Use all 4 bags.  Make the weights equal.  Make sense.

Why does this make me laugh so hard every time?

It's like one word: "I may be smalloooowooo!"

It makes me giggle.

Molly Maid

Meet my new maid:

I originally bought it for Grant's fingernails because they get a little/a ton dirty when he is gardening.  I thought I told him that, but I guess not.  Because the next thing I knew, his usually dirty brown bathtub was suddenly clean!

I asked him what had happened.  Usually there is no thought of him cleaning that tub unless we have a guest coming.  He said, "Oh this new scrub brush is great.  I can just clean the tub while I'm showering."

Oh My Genius

I wish I could take credit for this idea but I can't.  But it is so effective and efficient that I got myself one too to clean my shower.  I also got Grant another, smaller brush for his nails, but that has yet to be used or repurposed for a more genius idea.

It's funny how things work out like that.  And if you are looking for a maid for $4.99, this is your guy.  Now, if only there was a way to accidentally invent a no-fuss cleaning mechanism for the rest of that bathroom!

Did Someone on the Bachelor Just Make Sense?

When I heard the following words uttered from Des's brother's angry, cynical mouth last night I almost fell off the couch:

"I'm thinking, this isn't going to work out, this is like...almost stupid."

That is essentially the Bachelor series in a nutshell.  But someone finally had the nerve to say it on the show itself!

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And boy was he right.  Des got the big ol' boot at the very next rose ceremony.  I'm willing to bet that her relationship with her brother didn't work out so well either after that rose ceremony.  

If a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to hear it...

If a guy gets sick and there is no woman there to complain to, will he really count those as sick days?

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Grant was sick all weekend while I was away.  I was secretly glad to miss that production.  But he seemed fine for all intents and purposes on the phone.

It wasn't until I walked in the door that he really started to fall apart.  I guess it's more fun to be sick when you have an audience.  

Now I'm 99% sure I got what he has and I have to be strong and power through it to set an example.  Plus I lost all sympathy cards when I wrote this post so I have to choice but to buck up and lozenge on.

Because we all have a little Golden Girl inside of us (AKA the Carrie, Samantha, Miranda, and Charlotte):

The 11 Funniest Scenes From The Golden Girls For Every Moment Of Your Life

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Who Is...Awesome

Please tell me you watched Jeopardy on Tuesday night?  I wanted to post this yesterday but I was in a  class all day so I'm late, but I'm still here to spread the good word of a quiz show master called - Leonard.

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In what can only be described as the most exciting episode of Jeopardy EVER, a young man named Leonard Cooper absolutely schooled his opponents with a flare unlike anything Alex Trebek has ever seen.  

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Homeboy had racked up over $18,600 dollars in Jeopardy money when he hit a double Jeopardy question. Without hesitation he went ahead a bid $18,000.  Have you ever heard the audience of Jeopardy audibly gasp?  Because they did for Leonard.  And just as cool as a cucumber he got the right answer and doubled his bounty.

Anyway, the best part of the show was when this happened:

It was all made even sweeter by how uptight and serious the guy in the middle was and how totally chill Leonard was.  Mad respect Leonard.  Mad respect.

Check out a recap of the event here:

Alex Trebek looked as giddy as a school girl.  Best episode ever!

Happy Valentine's Day

I don't give a rat's ass about Valentine's Day but Happy one to you anyway.  

I got these sweet card from my sister.

With this highly appropriate message inside.

She said she didn't plan on getting me a card but saw the words "happy hours" and couldn't resist.  Hey, that's reason enough for me!

And then I got this awesome message from my beloved.  In a totally cheesy sequence of events, we met on this day 8 years ago via a setup from our friends to a fraternity Valentine's Day cocktail.  Super cliche but it stuck!

We are truly meant to be.  We've also been arguing for about 5 years now about who brought back the word "jabronie".  God we need a pet or something.

Death to Smoochy

So no...

The Ultimate Aqua Loafer

When I first saw this product my first that was: "No".

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This is the Aqua Loafer from WantedShoes.Com

Then I started to think about how many times I have needed a handsome waterproof shoe.  That probably sounds like a joke.  It is not.

I have gone on so many trips/pretend adventures with Grant over the years in which I have been dramatically unprepared in the waterproof footwear department.  I've ruined non-waterproof shoes in the water and mud, and cut my feet on rocks due to lack of coverage from a flip flop.

I know Aqua Socks are an option, but let's be real folks.  When you are in a situation in which you need said Aqua Socks, you are probably already in a bathing suit, right?  An aqua sock does not flatter a thigh.  Everyone over 110 pounds knows this.  

Bathing suit + Aqua Socks = Man Repellent

Now I'm not saying I'm going to be looking like Kate Upton wearing a bikini and aqua loafers, but at least I wont be looking like every average redneck on Spring Break at Myrtle Beach.  This here's a fancy waterproof shoe, ya'll!  I'm probably going to have to get a pair before my next beach vacay.

My favorite part about this shoe is that it's called "The Ultimate Water Loafer"...as if there are other water loafers?!

Bye Bye Bath Mat

Recently I went in my husband's bathroom (I have to spot check it every once in a while to make sure we aren't violating any epic health codes).  I noticed that his bath mat was missing.

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I asked him about it and he replied, "Hmm, I don't know where it went.  Maybe my brother accidentally took it home with him."

Hold the phone.

First of all,  how in the name of the Martha Stewart Home Collection, could you possibly lose a bathmat?

Second of all, people don't "accidentally" take bathmats home with them, but great suggestion.

It's about 3 weeks and still no sign of the bathmat.  I'm actually so confounded by the loss that I am not even mad.  Kind of like when Baxter ate a whole wheel of cheese.  I guess I'll be heading to Bed, Bath, and Beyond this weekend for a replacement.  Will male wonders never cease?

It's Here, It's Here, It's Finally Here!

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Grocery Adventures

So many exciting things have been happening in the grocery store recently I think I am accidentally starting a new regular segment!

Yesterday I saw a big ol' boy buying a Rotisserie chicken for dinner.  First of all - Rookie Mistake.  Every good Harris Teeter shopper knows to buy their Rotisserie chickens on Sundays when they are an extra $2 off.

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Second of all, when I came upon this scene, his chicken had just somehow come out of the carton packaging and fallen into the bag at the self checkout.  

Now if you had asked me 10 seconds before this event, I would have almost bet my life on the fact that no on would have actively chosen to take home the carton-less chicken in a bag.  The cashier immediately told him to go pick out any other chicken he would like at no extra charge.

"But this one was the best looking chicken out of all of them!"

He chose the chicken in the bag, people.  Just a whole chicken, sauteed in juices and herbs, in a lifeless plastic bag.  Good think I didn't take that bet beforehand!

Product Shout Out

I have got to give a shout out today to this product:

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If you don't already have Mario in your speed dial, add him today!  It's basically a magical drying lotion that zaps any zit dry overnight.  I had one a'brewin last night that I thought might actually put me out of commish for the weekend it was so big.  

I dabbed a little dot of this drying lotion on it and it was completely gone this morning!  The key to this product is to apply it after your husband or lover has already gone to bed, lest you scare the ever living $h*t out of them by suddenly looking like your face is being taken over by pox.  Trust me on that part.

It isn't cheap but it lasts forever and IT WORKS!  You can't put a price on that!

I can also recommend, after a few months of use, this product:

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It's great for those of us who are lucky enough to be ageing AND still suffering from adult acne.  What a great feeling to be wrapped into both of those categories and to have to pay for it.  Nonetheless, it's good stuff.

Danger

I could see this ending very, very badly.  

And probably with a lawsuit of some sort of lawsuit.  

Thanks, but no thanks, LivingSocial.

Bachelor Sean and His Bevy

I think this is the most devoted I've ever been to watching the Bachelor series and I don't even know why, because I'm pretty sure that Sean dyes his eyebrows.  Usually I fast forward through at least the first half of every episode to get to the "most dramatic" rose ceremony ever.

But not this time.  Inexplicably, I'm watching every awkward second this season.

Is it because I can't take my eyes off Ash Lee?  She is beautiful and kind and gentle and her voice gives me a virtual hug.  But then there's the fact that she's 32, never been married, spells her names in the most pointlessly complicated way possible, and is a Personal Organizer.  Clearly she's got a little cray cray that she isn't showing the cameras yet.  A hot piece like that doesn't stay single for 3 decades for no reason.

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Or perhaps it's because I'm disgustingly intrigued my Tiara, arguably the biggest sociopath in Bachelor history?  Last night when she got a rose, the first thing she did was give Jackie the in-your-face look of death.  She clearly does not have good intentions...And I kind of can't wait to see her freeze on tonight's Part 2 episode...

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But maybe, at least in last night's case, it was that the beautiful, uncanny twin of Ashley Greene, Selma, copped Aretha Franklin's hat from the last inauguration and wore it like it ain't no big thang.

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I've said it before and I'll say it again - I could never, ever be on the Bachelor.  Not because I'm married or normal.  It's because of all of the high flying they do!  Helicopters and planes and bungees, Oh My!  That's not for me.  I like to be on the first floor or ground level at all times.

The only thing real about this reality show is that crazy bitches also exist in real life.  The reason why this never works is because they force these dainty little 90 pounds girls to do things they clearly hate (i.e. rock climbing, canoeing, and drinking goat's milk), and pretend they like it for Sean whilst keeping their lipstick flawless and their hair perfectly coiffed.  Real talk - they ain't gonna do that shit in real life and be so agreeable.

I would like to close this rambling with one thought: Chris Harrison is the Best. Wingman. Ever.  He's always there to occupy the ladies when Sean wants to make out.  He's always shouting his praises and good intentions.  He always plies them with alcohol to make them slightly more interesting.  If only every single guy was so lucky to have a pal like him.  You're a swell guy Chris!

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Three Words About Last Night's Game

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Yon

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Single Livin'

One of my favorite things about being home alone when the husband is away is that you can do ridiculous things like take up the entire refrigerator with a salad spinner.  

That's prime fridge real estate right there.  I couldn't do that if I had to house a bunch of chicken and steaks for the week!  

I also like it because, even though I love to cook, I can exist on crackers, lettuce, and tuna salad and barely even dirty a dish.

But I also get really bored eventually.  I'm all out of Real Housewives to watch and white wine to drink and last night I accidentally took a nap at 6:30pm.  The last time I took a nap that late was in middle school and I woke up confused and terrified that I had missed by friend's bar mitzvah.  Time for the G-man to come back home.  Things are getting weird.