Photo Sesh

Finally!  An affordable way to capture my fat ass for all eternity.

 

Continuing to blow my mind week after week, Living Social is now offering a 90-Minute Boudoir Photo Session with a local photographer. 

 

I'm sorry, but 90 minutes?  How big is your damn boudoir?  I'd need 5 minutes flat to mount the bed, strike my trademark tiger pose, then tell that photog to get to gettin'. 

This body needs not be photographed.

 

That would be so awesome to give this to someone as a Christmas present, watch them react in horror, then actually go through with the shoot just because they feel too guilty to tell you they hate it.  It's never to early to start shopping for the holidays!

 

Haters Gon' Hate

Why, oh why, do politics have to be so nasty and wretched?

 

I can't even walk out the door before having someone's political views shoved down my throat.  Whether it's on Facebook (omg please stop this!  whatever happened to good old drunk party pictures and funny quotes)?, the news, or just my mom sending me propaganda videos, it's too much!

 

Can't a person form their own opinion, over time, no matter what it is, without having that opinion battered and beaten on every form of social and regular media, all hours of the day?

 

Source

Full disclosure here: I'm not registered for either party.  Socially, I'm extremely liberal.  When it comes to fiscal and health care matters, I'm just downright uninformed.  I am actually looking very much forward to the debates so I can form my own opinion and get my learn on.

 

However, in the past week alone, I've mentally switched parties no less than 20 times.  One day I'm a Republican because, yeah, Government spending and welfare and whatnot are out of control.  Then, naturally, every Democratic friend I have on Facebook goes on to post pictures and insults telling me and others how absolutely stupid conservatism is and that Republicans are racist and sexist.

 

Then the next day, Paul Ryan says rape is just another form of conception and suddenly I'm a Democrat.  Until someone tells me that is stupid too.

 

Obviously I should ignore the naysayers and just stand up for what I believe in.  But what if I don't know what I believe in yet?  Quit f*cking badgering me politicos!!  If everyone believed in the same thing think how ass-boring this country would be. 

 

Essentially this is my extreme opinion about not have opinions...yet.  Give a sista' some time y'all.  I'll get there.  No matter where that is.  But in the meantime, for the love of God/Noone/Whoever you want to believe in, recognize that insults and extremism do not equal progress.  One love.

Not Artsy Fartsy

Maybe it's the fact that it's been raining in Wilmington for 3 weeks straight that is making me randomly complain about things that don't affect my life at all, but allow me to vent for a moment.

 

Source

 

I hate the way that Instagram makes people think they are suddenly artsy.  No, you are not a talented photographer.  You are an owner of an iPhone who got a free app and knows how to press "click".

 

Let's call a spade a spade here people.  Just because you can now post photos on Facebook with the light shining through just so, doesn't mean you went to some School of the Arts.

 

Source

 

 

I don't "Elf Myself" and call myself a cartoonist.  An app does not a photog make.

Ice Cream Sundays - Triple Caramel Chunk

Triple forms of caramel?  What's not to love!?  This flavor was simple but had lots of creamy textures that made it special.

 

I have to be honest, I served this after dinner to some friends the same night that I served the Vanilla from my last Ice Cream Sunday post.  So I also served it with the luscious fudge.  Which means that I didn't give it a fair chance to shine on its own.  But it was so delicious that it was gone by the night's end (there were 6 of us, don't judge).

 

I might have to give this one a second try on its own just to be totally fair.

 

Summmary:

 

Flavors Tried - 27

 

Favorite Flavor - Mint Chocolate Cookie.  Still.

Honey Boo Boo

Source

I just read the most hilariously scathing review of TLC's new reality show, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo in the latest People magazine.  I had to share.

"Here Come Honey Boo Boo, TLC's new reality show about 6-year-old Toddlers & Tiaras star Alana Thompson, is one miserable half-hour.  Nicknamed Honey Boo Boo Child - which sounds like Winnie-the-Pooh's girlfriend - the beauty-pageant hopeful lives with her family in rural Georgia.  The Thompsons, whose southern-accent dialogue is accompanied by patronizing subtitles, are depicted as uncouth blobs of fat.  They could be redneck serial killers in a horror film.  The show at least will bring them some money along with fame or notoriety - for reality stars, one is as good as the other."

The reviewer then goes on to give the show one out of four stars.  Damn, that's harsh!

While I can understand how this show is offensive to, well, human beings, I personally can't get enough.  Once you get past the fact that they all have nubs for teeth, they are all obese from eating 4 gallon jars of cheese balls and pork rinds for snacks, and that the matriarch of the family looks like a giant thumb, they really are quite charming.  Except for Sugar Bear.  I'd say he'd benefit from taking the ever-present wad of dip out of his mouth, but then he might be able to say more, and that would be good for absolutely noone.  He isn't exactly a wordsmith.

Source

Like I said, I can't get enough.  Honey Boo Boo Child's level of sassification is really something to be admired.  In the words of no one who mattered ever, "Get.  It. Guuurl!"  But while you'e getting it, lay off the cheese doodles.

I Heart Harry

I just want to take a moment to say that I think Prince Harry is the shit.

 

That free-loving ginger is doing what he wants, when he wants, with whoever he wants.  And I respect that.  I don't like when the royal handlers and British press try to stifle his wild personality. 

 

Source

 

He didn't ask to be born into royalty.  He can't help it that all he wants to do is a zoom, zoom, zoom, and a boom boom.  And just shake his romp.

 

Bottom Line.  I heart Harry and I really, really want to party with him.

 

Big ups to you Harry.  Keep on doin' what you're doin'.

 

Source

 

 

 

D-List Celebs Make Me Giggle

I can't really explain why, but this is really funny to me.  Nickelback front man Chad Kroeger and Singer Avril Lavigne are engaged.

 

Source

 

 

The only thing I've heard of in the last few years that can even begin to compare to this in level of randomness is when Benicio del Toro and Kimberly Stewart announced that they were having a baby together.

 

It's hard to say what is the most alarming about this story.  Is it:

 

A) The fact that they refer to Chad Kroeger as a "Rocker"?

 

B) That a 27 year old is engaged to be married for the second time to someone 10 years older than her that she's only been dating for 6 months?  (How can that not last??)

 

C) That any girl in the world, ever, would want to be intimate with a man with that facial hair?  (Which, shockingly, is actually better than it used to be.  See below.)

Source

 

Either way I'm sure it will get a People magazine cover.  So the next time I ask what is wrong with our country, remind me to site this as Exhibit A.

Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny 3D Printed-Out Bikini

Will wonders never cease?  I just read an "article" about a bathing suit that you can print on your 3D printer.  Because...people were asking for that I guess?

Check out the article here.

Anyway, I just thought I should point out a few of the obvious flaws of this bikini, besides being totally unattractive.

First, you can see right smack dab through the bottoms.  Unless you can also print coupons for free laser hair removal on that 3D printer, you might just want to go to Target and get a non-ridiculous bathing suit for $20.

Second, the length of the straps on the top make the model's boobs like they are about to fall into her belly button.  That's not what any girl wants, so might I suggest switching to Letter size instead of Legal size paper?  Shorter straps could really perk this whole situation up.

The good news is that it's waterproof.  The bad news is...everything else.

I really wish people this creative could learn to use their powers for good, instead of evil.

No Shots for You

Sometimes Living Social deals are just too ridiculous for words. 

I got an email this week offering a Bartending Course for $25.  Not an actual course where you learn to toss bottles and throw martini shakers behind your back.  Just an online course for BartendingCollegeOnline. 

I went to that college once.  It's called Google.  And it can teach you how to make any drink, ever.  For free!  Hell, just last week I learned how to make a Vodka Soda with a splash.  My parents were so proud of me!

So save that $25 to actually buy drinks, instead of just learning how to make them in "college". 

Back to the drawing board Living Social.

The Weekend Lives On

I call this picture, "It Pays to Drink".

Other possibilities included, "I will do absolutely anything to get free money".

Ice Cream Sundays - Vanilla

Isn't it funny how sometimes the simplest things in life are the best?

Sure, it's nice to have a million options for every single thing we do, eat, or buy these days.  But sometimes, going back to the basics is the ticket to satisfaction!

That was definitely the case with this week's flavor.  Plain old Vanilla.  Only it's not plain!  It's <s>simple</s> simply delicious!

I bought this flavor in particular because my friend gave me some unbelievable fudge that her husband makes.  I needed a cooperative surface to put the fudge on.  Naturally I thought of vanilla, the ever-cooperative ice cream original gangsta'.

This vanilla was delicious.  Give me more fudge and I'd do it all over again.

Summary:

Flavors Tried - 26

Favorite Flavor - Mint Chocolate Cookie

Pounds Gained - Still in damage control mode from my vacation.  Talk to me in a month.

Moment of Silence

My lovelies - Can we have a moment of silence?  I just realized that I had a terrible loss in my life a few days ago.  I, Mamacita, am no longer a certified notary. 

(Pause for dramatic reaction).

What's that you say?  You never knew I was a notary?  And wouldn't have cared even if you knew?  Well that's just crazy talk! 

I have been a certified notary public since 2004.  I have the stamps, the seal press, and the title to prove it.  Well I did.  Until last Sunday. 

I was urged to get the certification at my second job in DC.  I studied and studied for the test, then showed up to take it and was informed that by simply showing up I had passed the test.  For people who like studying and over-achieving, that was a bureaucratic slap in the face.  How can I get my A+ if I can't take the damn test!?

Anyway, I notarized about 2 documents then moved back to North Carolina.  Ever the career woman I am.

Now I am just a mere mortal who can no more certify your documents than I can give you a decent haircut.  (Which is not at all).

Good thing I am forever a certified "Underwater Naturalist" scuba diver, so I can still feel superior to the average person.

I don't even know

I saw this while driving the other day.

While I have no earthly idea what it means, I had to share.  Out of pure shock and curiosity.

I am assuming Max is the dog in this portrayal above.  And it looks like 4 years after his professional portrait, Max became highly addicted to caffeine free Diet Coke.

Part of me wants to believe it's some sort of joke on society.  But this was an authentic old person's car with an authentic old person driving it, so I dare say it's real...you know, because old people don't make jokes on their car's butts typically?

Anyone care to make a guess as to WTF this means?  I'm at a loss!

RAOK - Random Act of Kindness

Natural Beauty

 

Look at these beautiful flowers my honey boo boo child gave me.  For no reason!

I can't remember what they are called, but they are my new favorite. 

So exotic!  So beautiful!  So much happiness!



Extreme Semi-Makoever: Weight Loss Edition

Do you watch Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition on Sunday nights?

I do!  Heck, I'll watch any show that comes on late and makes me cry.  Because I'm a glutton for punishment like that.

Last night's episode was an interesting.  Kind of.  Sort of.  Ok, not really but two things really stuck out to me.

1) The woman undergoing to the "transformation" is still .01 BMI points away from being obese at the end of the show.  I'm sorry but that's just not that impressive considering you've had a personal trainer and a TV crew following you around for a full calendar year.  It's still a great accomplishment!  Just not that episode-worthy if you ask me.  Which I realize no one did.

2) As he does at the end of each episode, Chris Powell gives this woman, a resident of Washington, DC, a $50,000 gift certificate to WalMart.  I used to live in DC.  There is no WalMart there.  That's awkward.

Mega Awesomeness

Watch this video.  If this doesn't make your Monday better, nothing will.

Oh helllllll No!

Just got this message on my facebook homepage today.

Nooooooo!

I resisted for so long.  How could this happen?!

Yoga 1, Mamacita 0

Oh one more thing about the hot yoga class I somehow forgot to mention.  I tried to leave halfway through the class.  And the teacher wouldn't let me.

Your mind is weak!  Your body is strong!  Sit the f*ck back down!

So I failed at failing.  Which is always a good feeling.  Especially in front of a group of 20 people.

Hella Hot

Have you ever tried Bikram/Hot Yoga?

I did yesterday and I can describe it in one word - O.M.G.



I knew it was going to be hot.  But nothing, and I mean nothing, could have prepared me for that experience.  The thermometer in the room said 107 degrees Fahrenheit.  And the clock said NOTHING, because there was no clock.  It was essentially like being locked in a torture chamber for an unknown period of time. 

Who invents stuff like this?  My money's on the sadomasochists of yester year.  It was truly the most frightened I've ever been during exercise.

But at least I can now say that I have actively sweated from my feet, because that has always been a life goal of mine.  Not. 

And boy was cotton a bad choice.  I realized at the beginning of the class that I was wearing about 90% more clothes than anyone else, but didn't think anything of it because I just thought they wanted to show off their yoga-toned stomachs.  By the end of the class, when my shirt had created a makeshift heat trap around my neck and upper body, I realized what was up, as I suddenly had the urge to take off all my clothes and burn them.

These are my clothes after the class, soaked through 100%.  That just has never happened to me before!

Will I ever dry?

I can't decide if I'm going to do it again.  I bought a 30-day unlimited pass for $40, but I'm still on the fence about my return.  To sum up, I thought I was going to faint for at least half of the class, I spent at least 10% of the class lying on the ground because I thought I was going to pass out, I cried at least once because I thought I was going to pass out, but you couldn't tell it was tears because I was sweating so hard from the almost-passing out.  Oh, and then I had an absolute raging headache for the rest of the night.

But on the plus side I lost a pound.  Is anyone out there a die hard proponent of Bikram Yoga?  I want to try again but I just need some sort of reassurance that it gets better.  Otherwise I just made a $40 donation to a new business.  I guess it could be worse!

Faux Kitties

I saw this yesterday in the grocery store parking lot.



Meow!

After jumping a frightened step back because I was so creeped out by these tightly-packed little kitties, I realized it wasn't even real!

Who does that?  Who likes cat so much that they adhere faux felines to their car windows? 

Maybe someone who is highly allergic and can't have real cats? 

Or maybe someone who is a certified crazy cat lady!

Creepy

Back Home And Loving It...

When we were in Lausanne for a couple of nights on our trip, we realized that we could get to France in only 30 minutes by ferry!!  How amazing is that? 

Naturally, in order to feel way more cultured than we really are, we immediately high-tailed it over to Evian, France for a little day trip.

After purchasing a "European Man's Wallet" for 10 Euro for Grant, then immediately realizing that it was made of plastic and smelled like gasoline, we stumbled upon this little gem of a spot for lunch.

After about 7 days of eating Schnitzel and Brats, we were delighted to find salads on the menu!  And not just any salads, my favorite kind!  Nicoise Salad, which I was shocked to discover has rice on it when made authentically in France.

Grant got a salad, on the right below, with goat brie broiled on mini baguette pieces.  It was out of this world!  Then again, most things with melted cheese are.

The Real Deal

I attempted to recreate a few elements of the salads we'd had all throughout the trip last night, in an effort to eat lots of vegetables.  Hmmm, somehow it doesn't look quite the same!

Oh well, still tasty...kind of.  At least I am eating more than meats and cheeses this week.

My version.  Not the same.

Coming back from vacation is the total pits, especially when the clock strikes 2pm at work and your body is ready for steins of beer and something decadent  to eat.   And instead all you have is this:

In-Flight "Entertainment"

As everyone knows, flying is a total nightmare.  Cancelled flights, disgruntled airline employees, pissed passengers, lost luggage.  It all sucks.

But there are a few good things about stuck in the confines of the airport/airplane walls:

- Being able to drink at 10am in the morning because you are already off your usual schedule, and really it's 4pm where you just flew from...but really you just want a beer at 10am

- Eating pizza for breakfast because, well, the airport S'barro is open at 9am and who doesn't want pizza for breakfast.  Nobody has to know that you just got to the airport and have no good excuse for not bringing your own banana and whole wheat toast.

- Free movies!  Sure, it's awkward to cry in front of the other 200 plane passengers when Zac Efron gets the girl in the latest Nicholas Sparks predictable formula Romantic Comedy.  But heck, if I can see the latest Rom Com for free without having to pay for RedBox or Netflix, I'm not going to complain!

But then sometimes, and presumably only if you are on the plane with hundreds of other people who had to have been murderers in their past lives, you get stuck with the worst in-flight movies of all time.  And if your karma is really, really, really bad, they are all playing on the one screen in each section of the cabin, instead of just being an option on your own personal seat-back monitor.

This, my friends, is what happened to me BOTH ways to Switzerland.  Whoever is in charge of selecting the in-flight movies for USAirways both East and Westbound to Europe should be dismissed immediately.  In a series of selections that can only be described as abysmal, this is what the 6 movies were that I could watch on the way to and from Europe.

Eastbound:
- This Means War (totally not bad, loved the movie, but I had literally watched it 2 days before I left.  Of course.)
- The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel (You read that right.  No it's not really erotic.  It's some sort of geriatric movie about flowers I guess?)
- We Bought a Zoo (Animals?  No thanks.)

Westbound:
- Salmon Fishing in the Yemen (Although even the title of this one put me to sleep, it was actually pretty good.  Phew, made it through the first 2 hours of the flight)
- Joe Somebody (Not only is this from 2001, it's stupid.)
- The Toothfairy 2 ("Starring" Larry the Cable Guy.  Shut up.  Just shut up.)

Needless to say I got a lot of reading done on these flights.  Angry, angry reading.

Yodel-a-hee-hoo!

I just got back from a 10 day trip to Switzerland.  It was one of the most beautiful places I've ever been.

However, after ten days of brats and beers, and 18 hours of travelling yesterday, I am most fat and tired.

I am also suffering what I have recently dubbed "TravAcne" - The general failing of one's skin due to over exposure to mass populations of airport travellers and lack of running water that is not from a lavatory bathroom.

Somehow I managed to stay up until 4am "my time" last night and then wake up at 6am "my new time".  I've already unpacked, done all my laundry, changed my sheets, shaved my legs, gone to the gym, and made my list of things to do this week.  You would think that sort of productivity would inspire to wake up before 8:15am on other mornings.  But I ain't frontin' - this was most certainly a one time event.

Either way, this bitch is back!

To Whom It May Concern:

To all my Friends...From Words With Friends - I have not abandoned you or our heated battles of lettered tiles.  I am simply on a trip OOTC (out of the country) and cannot respond to your bubbly requests for retaliation.

I'll be back Monday, August 6 so prepare to be grammatically dominated once again...assuming English hasn't suddenly become my second language on my 10 day trip.  And assuming you aren't one of the people who has previously beaten me by over 300 points.  You, I will not be playing with again!