How Diets Work

Truth Serum.  This is pretty much my life in a nutshell.  Watch this video below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5RLAGxUbp-U&feature=relmfu

Garden Update!

Look how it's growing!  Vegetable gardening rules.  Real results.  Real food.

Is this not the most amazing thing you've ever seen?  A little radish popping up!

I don't like radishes, I don't know how to cook them, and I will likely never, ever use them, but Grant insisted we plant them so we did.

Now I'm obsessed with the little bulb that is popping up.  It's so cute.  Since we don't have a dog I might make this my new pet.  Oojaboo!

So far we've been able to eat both types of lettuce and I think the green onions aren't too far behind.  Things are getting legit over here.

Now I just need a bumper sticker that says "I'd Rather be Gardening" and some Crocs and I'll be official.

Preach

Dry Cleaned, Parking Lot Style

I just went to the dry cleaner and witnessed several of the cleaner's employees drop an entire rack of clean clothes on the ground that were about to go out for delivery.

After exchanging shocked glances and stifled giggles, it was silently decided that they would just pick the rack up and put it in the van for delivery.

This event asks the age old question: If you pay to have your clothes professionally dry cleaned and they are hen dropped straight on the ground (parking lot ground, not carpeted), would you want to have them re-cleaned?

I guess this is one of many situations in which ignorance is bliss, and what you don't know can't hurt you, and even if it did hurt you it's too damn bad because you are receiving your clothes like that anyway! 

Constantly Crazy

Isn't it always the people craziest for attention and who do the craziest things to get it, who always have the craziest and WORST endings to their stories?

That has certainly been the case in my observations.

Case in point - Thomas Beatie, the "Pregnant Man", is now getting bitterly divorced from his wife, whom he claims is a violent drunk who punched him in the crotch.  Article here.

First of all, "Thomas", let's not forget, you don't have a real penis so getting hit in the crotch is really just stupid more than anything.  It's not going to hurt that bad.

Second of all, why are these people still in the news?  There's no such thing as a pregnant man in the first place.  He/she was just a woman who wanted to be a man all along.  Getting your boobs chopped off and growing out your armpit hair shouldn't make you a national news figure.  If people who are sexually or gender different want to be accepted, AS THEY SHOULD BE!!, then they need to stop trying to get on the news to broadcast their differences.  Be yourself, love yourself, love everyone else, and stay out of the news! 

And finally, why, just because Thomas is a "man" now, does he have to go out and grow the world's most sad, little Mexican goatee?  Hey Tommy B, you can still be a man and have a clean face.  In fact, it's much more debonair.  Facial Hair is not = Manliness when it comes in the form of patchy, fine hairs that don't really connect anywhere.

Final thought - If someone is abusive by nature, they probably won't have a hugely successful relationship.  But if someone who has craved attention throughout her whole marriage and strived to get every detail of it on the news decides to end the relationship, he/she is not likely to go quietly.  In an ideal world, that wouldn't entail punching her former-woman husband in the artificial balls, but as we all know the world is not ideal.

Don’t you hate it when you are wearing something you think is great and no one compliments it? 

That’s happened to me kind of a lot recently. Not today, of course.  I made sure to post this on a day in which I look totally unremarkable, so no one would read this, run into me, and think, “For real?  She thinks that deserves a compliment?”

But I have to be honest folks.  I’ve put some money and thought into some accessories and tops recently that I thought were pretty fly.  And the response was, well, not there. I guess I’ll go back to doing what I do best.  Wearing loose-fitting solids and saving my money for wine and pedicures.  Pedicures especially, now that manicures are out for the foreseeable future.

Ice Cream Sundays - Creme Brulee

Forget ordering desserts at restaurants.  Just go get this flavor of Ben and Jerry's and you will feel like you are dining on the creamiest batch of Creme Brulee you've ever sank your teeth into.  And the best part is, you won't even have that residual burned sugar stickiness left in your teeth. 

I can't explain why, because the sugar clumps in this ice cream taste like freshly torched sugar, but it just doesn't stick to your teeth like the real thing.  Bonus, in my book.

It is also amazingly creamy.  You know how when you first open a pint of ice cream it is at it's absolute creamiest, most virgin state?  Cherish that with this flavor, because when coupled with the inherent custard-like texture of this ice cream, the maiden voyage of spoon to new-pint will never be as good.

Summary:

Flavors Tried - 22

Favorite Flavor - Tied between Mint Chocolate Cookie and Creme Brulee (they are too different to pick a winner.  I want them both in my life.)

Diveats - Eggs in Clouds

Last night I made something strange for dinner.  Strange and beautiful.

Using this recipe from Rachel Ray magazine, I made Eggs in Clouds.

It was so unique and really easy to make. 

First, whip together 4 egg whites until they form stiff peaks.

Then fold in scallions and cooked bacon.

Place 4 mounds of the mixture on parchment paper that has been sprayed with cooking spray. 

Form a deep well in the center of each mound to form a future home for egg yolks. 

Then bake for 3 minutes at 450 degrees.

I didn't make deep enough wells so some of my yolks spilt down the sides, but the taste was unchanged.

Speaking of the taste, next time I make these I will use a mixture of cheddar and pecorino ramano.  I thought using just the pecorino resulted in a delicious taste, but it was just a teensy bit too rich for my taste.  I think cheddar would tone it down and make it taste more like comfort food.

Then place a yolk in each egg white bed and bake for another 3 minutes, or until yolk is set.

Serve with toast and hot sauce and enjoy!

Good Vibrations

Appparently this is a thing!!  I heard it on the radio this morning and couldn't believe my ears. 

Youtube video - Here 

It started out with a very familiar tune and then, BAM, the high vocal stylings of Carnie and the gals.  Good morning, indeed!

All Quiet on the Eastern Front

Tonight I was walking and my iPod died.  Is there any greater annoyance in life/cardio?

One minute you are rocking out to the Biebs getting your sweat on.  The next, you are being held prisoner to your own thoughts, walking at a glacial pace, and getting no calorie burn whatsoever.

First world problems people. 

As luck would have it, however, Grant passed me on the way home from work and gave me a ride home so I was able to change musical devices.  

And, even more lucky, I finally found a use for that petite pocket in my Target shirt that he has been making fun of the for the last 2 years! 

We've Got Growth

Check it out!!!  Fresh grown, organic spinach from my own garden.

Grown from a seed (because we didn't know that you could buy seedlings or plants), this spinach grew beautifully and tasted great!

And it didn't kill me...yet.  I ate it for dinner with a wonderful quinoa salad last night and I'm still kickin'.

I haven't been this excited since I still believed in Santa.  This is so fun.  Once my tomatoes start growing, come on over for a homegrown salad y'all.  I think I'm going to make up a speciality salad with homemade dressing too and call it my Backyard Salad.  Patent Pending :)

Treadmill Fall Fail

Last week I saw a girl fall off of a treadmill.  HARD. 

Falling off of a machine with a loud, sonic thud, in a row of people behind you, in front of you, and beside you, is pretty much worse case scenario in my book.  You just can’t go back to being anonymous, at least for the rest of the day, and at least at that same gym.

I was craning my neck so hard to see how long she would stay and attempt to run, even after flying off of the treadmill in front of everyone.  

It is really hard to stare at someone who is behind you.  By about the fifth time I turned to check the blood flow from her knee and the brokenness of her spirit, she had vanished.

She lasted a lot longer than I would have.  I would have limped out of there with my tail between my legs faster than you could cry, “MEDIC” to address the blood that was gushing down her leg and surely a health code violation.

It reminded me, painfully, of a time in high school when I was working out at the local gym and my crush walked by.  In addition to just being a standard, semi-awkward high schooler, I also had braces and a lifelong bout with total lack of coordination.  Add that to the fact that the treadmills at this gym were all lined by a mirrored wall.  

Seriously, who’s genius idea was that?  Let’s be real people.  No one wants a reflection of their cellulite ever.  And especially not while it’s jiggling up and down on a treadmill.  Keep the mirrors in the weight room where they belong.

Anyway, my crush started talking to me, I fell off of the treadmill, into the mirror, with my braces…And I just got right back up and kept on running.

Oddly enough he was not impressed with my resilience.  In fact, he seemed more amazed with the fact that I was willing to pretend that I had not taken flight into a mirrored wall a mere moment before. 

Needless to say, our love didn’t last.  Neither did my stint as a jogger.  But now I am really careful at the gym though, so some good came out of it.

'Roid 'Ragin in the USA

Have you ever experienced hunger-related grumpiness?

I didn't know I suffered from this affliction until kind of recently. 
I now know, thanks to some delayed honesty, that every time I would get back from the gym after work, hungry and in need of a snack, I was apparently extremely unpleasant.

Grant, presumably trying not to anger the beast, would just try to bear with me until I had fed myself.  Until he finally broke down and asked me if I was taking steroids when I worked out.  Apparently I was that wretched.

Wow.  When you husband has reason to believe that you might be taking performance enhancing drugs just because you're being such a bitch, it might be time to rethink snack time.

Now I eat my yogurt in the late afternoon and am successfully avoiding all suspicions of 'roid rage.

That's what spouses are for - To support you through good, bad, sickness, and health.  And to tell you when you're so awful that you are scaring people.

Housekeeping Tip

Do you ever do your laundry with liquid detergent, only to wind up with a cruddy, sticky cap cup lined with leftover detergent goo?

I do, and I don't like it!  Recently I dropped my cap cup in my wash.  Instead of taking it out I decided to just leave it in there for the cycle and see what happened. 

What happened was that my clothes were totally unharmed, and my cap was totally clean as a whistle!

Gunk be gone!  Now my clothes can be clean and my detergent cupboard can be too :)

(You could also use the pump variety and avoid this altogether, but sometimes that just isn't the most economical version for sale).

There's a Hole in My Soul and a Gap in My Nail

In case you were fond of the top part of my fingernail, bad news. Its a goner. I slammed my finger in the door last night and got blood everywhere. And totally panicked and cried. And burned my steak.

Ironically, this was the fingernail I almost lost to a wart back in 2006. Hopefully it will come back for a third life. It has proven to be very resilient, and very prone to accidents. Cooking is dangerous...especially when your smoke alarm is over sensitive and you have to open the door to let smoke out. And very especially if instead of opening the door you just put your finger in it and crush your nail in half.

Also, there's this, which was essentially the pain induced genesis of my whole blog. I needed a platform to complain then and I need one now. This finger has seen a lot of heartbreak its oval shaped life.

This pain, coupled with the fact that I spilled my whole cup of cereal in my car this morning, is likely going to make my Case of the Mondays one of epic proportions.

Oh My Butt Crack

I just came across this monumental new development in the world of fashion, and butt cracks - The total butt-revealing dress. You must check out the pictures.

I am particularly fond of the crushed velvet, purple number. That is just what a curvy lady wants in a dress. Something to accent her saddlebags, her love handles, and her fat ass. Thanks Etsy member Ms. Petrauskiene for making so many girls' dreams come true!

These are clearly just made by a woman, for that same woman, with a major butt-fetish. What Etsy-Shopping, right-minded woman is going to walk around wearing a dress with her entire asscrack exposed?

The answer, surprisingly, isn't no one! According to this article, 11 people have already purchased her dresses. Gag gifts, I'm sure!

Thanks, but no thanks. I'm keeping my derriere under wraps for as long as humanely possible!

Future Love

My 2 year anniversary is in less than 2 months and it has made me think a lot about the future. It's really amazing to think that I will probably be married for about 60 years if I live to be 85ish. And I'm only 2 little years into that time frame. Daunting, isn't it!? Two years is nothing!

That is really crazy to think about! We've already had so much adventure and laughter and learning about each other. And it's only been 2 years! I just wonder how many more times we will make each other laugh, cry, and cry from laughing during the next 60 or so years. And maybe rage out a little bit sometimes too when I get mad. Gotta keep it interesting! (Again, assuming I don't get hit by a truck on my way home today.)

I can't wait to see what we're talking about when we are 70 and my boobs are at my waist and he can't hear because of ear hair interference. I bet it will still be about something epic like who gets the remote or what we are going to have for dinner. So far those are our big hot topics.

Mostly I think it will just be a little of this - http://whatshouldwecallme.tumblr.com/post/20768720920/when-my-boyfriend-leaves-for-work

And lot of this - http://whatshouldwecallme.tumblr.com/post/20818290289/fighting-with-my-boyfriend

Just can't name this one

In the past month, I've heard of a new phenomenon that I am just not on board with - Placentophagy.

"Placentophagy is the act of mammals eating the placenta of their young after childbirth." Oh and if you aren't brave enough to take a big bite of it, you can get it made into yummy capsules too!

Besides not understanding why a person would want to eat part of a bloody sac that came out of their hooha, I also do not understand how these things randomly become sudden cultural trends.
January Jones did it when she had her baby a few months ago. (But she also hasn't revealed the identity of her baby daddy is so I'm not taking tips on how to be normal from her right now). Now I'm reading about it on all kinds of pregnant people's blogs.

Where did this come from? People have been doing pretty well for the past few hundred decades without eating their own organs. Bill Gates has made billions. Steve Jobs changed technology as we know it. Beyonce Runs the World (Girls). All without their mothers or themselves having to eat placentas. Why is this suddenly a hip thing to do? Why do we as humans always feel the need to fix things that aren't broken, all in the name of being "unique" or "holistic"?

Am I crazy for not wanting to be part of this? Have any of you out there eaten your placenta? Does it go well with crackers? J/K, I'm just so confused!

If you are really intrigued, search the Internet for more info. There's a lot of graphic info and pictures out there, but I just can't be the one to bring those mental images into your life.

* In the interest of not posting a placenta as my main picture, I put this cute lil' puppy pic up instead. Enjoy :)

Kettle One - Me Zero

Yesterday I bought a Kettleball.

Today I almost fell of off the toilet at work because my thighs are so sore I cannot actively engage them.

I bought the Kettleball to try something new and have a form of cardio that didn't involve repetitive grinding of my hip bones at the gym.

Thank HEAVENS that, after reading online that a mere 20 minutes could burn 300 calories, I only attempted 5 minutes. Because I am in some serious pain today.

At least the pain lets me know that it's working!...Or that I'm doing it completely wrong!

Anyone out there have any good Kettleball workouts to suggest? Once I can stand up straight again I'm hopping back on the Kettle Horse! Yeehaw!

Creeper Alert

While trying to avoid possible collision, my friend managed to take this picture of a car next to him.

It took me a while to decode this, because I thought the one was an "L", but to clarify, that says "BBY RU 18"

That is the creepiest thing I've ever seen anyone publicly display on their car. Can you imagine driving up to meet a girl's parents for the first time in a car with THAT on your license plate?

The good news is that he at least saved himself the trouble of having to go door to door telling his neighbors that he's a registered sex offender. So, there's that...

PB Bounty

I hope everyone had a happy Easter! Do you know what Easter means to me? REESE'S Peanut Butter EGGS!!!!!

What really makes this candy a shining star, which I talked about at length with the cashier at Rite Aid yesterday, is the perfect ratio of Peanut Butter to Chocolate.

Sure, I love a traditional Reese's. But when the peanut butter is that good, I don't want large layers of chocolate thwarting my path to peanut butter ecstacy. The eggs have it all right.

Less chocolate coating, larger surface area, and 90:10 peanut butter to chocolate ratio. It doesn't get much better than that.

It's a saving grace these things aren't available year round. I had my one yearly allowance of PB Egg yesterday and it was simply glorious!

Ice Cream Sundays - Peach Cobbler

Happy Easter Ice Cream Sunday! Today's ice cream is Willie Nelson's Country Peach Cobbler. It won't get you high like Willie, but it will give your taste buds a nice lil' buzz.

I know it's only Spring, but with this ice cream available it already feels like Summer. To me, Peach Cobbler just screams summers at the beach. That is, of course, unless you plan on wearing a bathing suit this summer...at the beach or anywhere else.

The little pieces of peach in the peach ice cream almost taste like candy they are so sweet. And the hints of cinnamon throughout are really warm and cozy. As with some other flavors, I don't think that the shortbread chunks taste like anything, but that's ok because the flavors from the peach make up for it...and chunks are just plain fun.

Get a pint and call it an early Summer!

Summary:

Flavors Tried - 21

Pounds Gained - 2ish :(

Favorite Flavor - Mint Chocolate Cookie

Hallway to Hell

This is my new and improved hallway. After a full week of painting, cursing, spilling, and bloody knuckles, I erased one more piece of evidence that our entire house was once a giant multitude of shades of green.

And even though I love the color, and I LOVE the runner I got from OneKingsLane.com, now it kind of looks like an asylum up in here.

That's the funny thing about owning a house. You do one thing, only to realize that you need 10 more hours in a day and 10,000 more dollars in a paycheck to make it look right.

But then reality hits and you realize you are penniless and absolutely exhausted.

And that you've become pseudo-European and taken to eating at 9pm every night because you spent your whole evening shoveling dirt or splattering pant on the ceiling/floor/your face.

Currently accepting donations or recommendations for good artwork on the cheap! That hallway needs some color!

It's all about the little things!

I know you can't read this fuzzy picture, but it says there are 3 meatballs in a serving, and 5 servings. That's a total of 15 meatballs I was prepared to bake last night.

But wait! Count carefully. There are 17 meatballs here. AKA, two free meatballs for me!!

In hindsight, the amount of joy I got from realizing I received two free meatballs is somewhat frightening. But what can I say? I love food. And when it's free, there's just no bounds to my passion!

Wine Time

Not that anyone has ever asked me for my opinion on wine (or anything for that matter), but I decided to give my take on the best cheap wines out there.

By cheap I mean less than $10.

By out there I mean at Harris Teeter.

My recent favorites are the 3 wines listed below.

First we have the Fish Eye brand Shiraz. Currently available for $5.99 at HT, this wine is so very smooth. I really don't like red wines that are so dry they taste hot. This wine is so not like that that it almost taste a little below room temperature, which is what I like in a wine.

And it means I don't have to add ice cubes to my glass and look like a redneck.

I know it's totally random, but I think Shiraz is my favorite overall wine. It's refreshing, smooth, good for summer or winter, and this brand has a screw-cap so it's perfect for emergency situations.

On the Cabernet Sauvignon front, we have Earthwise. This wine is also available right now for $5.99 at HT.

Cabernets are so mild and delicious. I don't know wine words like "talons" "notes" or "body", but I can assure you that this one tastes good and has your standard 13% alcohol in it. And they are made from sustainably farmed vineyards. SOLD.

Now for a white, which is what I'm typically known for. Cupcake Sauvignon Blanc. This wine is so hot right now.
It's all the rage with my bitches here on the East Coast.

So crisp. So refreshing. And so mostly under $10. It's usually on special for $8.99 at Harris Teeter and $7.99 at Costco. Sometimes I think it might be $10.99 at stupid places. Avoid those places whenever possible.

I don't think I've ever spent more than $10 on a bottle of wine outside of a restaurant. And with wines like this available why would I ever want to!?

Well, I did spend $13 on a bottle of Cupcake Red Velvet when I was in Aspen recently. But that doesn't count because Aspen is where the beer flows like wine. And the wine costs at least $5 more than it would in any other part of the country.

Now, who's ready for an afterwork glass of vino!?

Guess What Today Is?!

In addition to being "Tweed and Don't Go to Work Unless it's Fun Day," according to this website, it's also Free Cone Day at your local Ben and Jerry's!

I remember this being kind of a zoo and the B&J in Chapel Hill when I lived there, but hopefully you have a local store near you it won't be as crazy.

Click here to find your local Ben and Jerry's.

Cone's Up! Wallets Down!

Princess Camps and Dreams Deferred

I was just be-bopping around town and I saw this - A poster for Princess Camp!

I know the above picture is terrible, but check out the details here: Princess Camps

I am so bitterly jealous that I didn't get to go to this when I was younger...or this summer.

Seriously, you have to click the link above. The available themes for these camps are DYNAMITE! They include such things as:

- Tutu Design

- Tiara Sparkle

- Fashion Diva

- Fairy Magic

- Spa Time

And as if that isn't luscious enough, the daily camp schedules include a lax schedule from 9:30am-1pm that look like this (prepare to be violently jealous):

9:30-10:30 - dance

10:30-11:00 - snack & princess center fun

11:00-11:30 - craft creation & make-up

11:30-12:00 - surprise fun

12:00-12:30 - lunch & princess center fun

12:30-1:00 - bounce house & fashion show

I die. Have you ever seen anything so wonderful in all your life?

I might just try to sign up because I don't see anything about an age limit anywhere. Who's with me!? Princess Camp for everyone!

Diveats - Goat Cheese, Sundried Tomato, and Basil Stuffed Chicken

I basically invented a recipe last night. If you can call mixing up 3 ingredients inventing.

Which I believe you can.

In a bowl I mixed up some chopped sun dried tomatoes, half a small log of goat cheese (about 4 ounces), and about 4 chopped basil leaves.

I pounded out 2 chicken breasts to make them thinner and more supple/easier to work with.

Then I stuffed half of the mixture into each breast, rolled it up, and secured it with a toothpick.

Bake the chicken breasts at 350 degrees for about 20-25 minutes and you have got yourself a cute rolled up meat treat stuffed with lots of tasty goodness just waiting to get out and into your mouth.

Season with S&P.

I served the chicken with a piece of garlic bread and a mixed green salad with Barefoot Contessa's Lemon Vinaigrette (recipe here). I can't believe I've never made this dressing before. It was so simple and delicious and fresh tasting. I made one modification by not adding Parmesan to the dressing and instead adding shaved slices on top.

FYI - the portions weren't as small as they look, that is just the world's largest piece of garlic bread.

So simple, so elegant, so tasty. So my original, patented recipe ;)

Ice Cream Sundays - Strawberry Shortcake Fro Yo

Another Greek Yogurt Flavor! Strawberry Shortcake.

Delicious and nutritious? Maybe just delicious. I'm still kind of suspicious of the health benefits of this whole Greek Fro Yo thing.

Nonetheless, this flavor is a treat! It has refreshing Strawberry flavor and yummy chunks of shortbread. The chunks don't necessarily taste like much, but they are fun to bite on. Who doesn't link a good chunk, no matter the situation!?

Btw, I just got wind that Ben and Jerry's is totally overhauling their normal Fro Yo flavors and are only going to be serving the Greek Fro Yo from now on. In addition to the regular ice cream, of course. But big news nonetheless!

If you're a Half Baked head or a Chocolate Brownie Chunk Fro Yo fanatic, go stock up. Your favorite flavors might not be around long!

Back to regularly scheduling full-fat feasting next week.