Quarter Life Pedicure

In honor of being a half-assed diva and my upcoming Birthday, I decided to treat myself to a pedicure during my lunch break.

I went in to my usual place, saw there was no line at all (!), and saddled up at the nearest pedicure chair. It was Birthday destiny.

Usually I'm very content to not talk to anyone during my pedicure, especially during the calf and foot massage portion. If you have ever been with me while getting a pedicure, you would know that this is the time I like to close my eyes and roll my head in fits of ecstacy, as a Vietnamese man makes my foot pain go bye bye.

But today my dude was one hell of a chatty Cathy!

We (he) talked about so many fascinating things. Like how he eats so fast he can't enjoy his food and he has developed a sort of stomach condition. Like how he once broke his hand after losing a battle with a front door because "women are crazy". And how he is saving up for a trip to Tokyo - not because he is Japanese, but because he loves sushi. And because his friend went and spent $40,000 in one month to impress the ladies, so he had to also. (I didn't have the heart to tell him there is a sushi restaurant down the street).

Then, because I was out of polite head nods, I told him that tomorrow was my Birthday. And, apparently, he did not know until that exact moment that he was turning 30 this year and that he extremely devastated about it.

For real, as he got progressively more upset about it during the 30 minute treatment, he said things like, "Oh my gosh! The big 3-0! I never thought this would happen to me. I am going to have to take 2 days off of work because I am going to drink myself crazy and because I'm too old to only have one-day hangovers!" Oh and, "I'm so fat now that I'm turning 30! If I eat one bite I gain a pound. Now I'm scared to eat! If I had to eat fattening air I'd just stop breathing." (That last one totally lost me too).

So much for my relaxing pedicure. I ended up spending my salon sesh talking this soon-to-be-3o-year old off a ledge.

Tomorrow I'll just cash in my free Birthday sub at Jersey Mike's at keep to myself.

This Just In: The Internet is not private

Do you think it's possible that some people really don't know that Pinterest is a PUBLIC form?

I haven't figured out how in the hell to operate Pinterest, but I certainly figured out that it is public when it initially invited over 300 of my facebook friends to view my boards just because I signed up. This includes total randos that I haven't talked to since middle school. How do you pin "Awkwardness"?

Yet people continue to post really personal dream boards to Pinterest like it's their own secret garden. I personally know at least 2 people who ARE NOT EVEN ENGAGED that have extensive "Wedding" boards and post to them on the reg.

Homegirls, we can see this! It looks desparate! Keep your ivory and lace dreams to yourself at least until he puts a ring on it!

I was actually with a girl once when we broke the news to her that people could see her wedding boards. (Said girl was not engaged at the time). Her reaction was amazing, "Wait! People can actually see this?!? AAAAH! Someone give me a computer right now to delete that stuff!"

Just wanted to let you know ladies, if it's on the World Wide Web, we can see it. Which means so can your boyfriend, and he's probably very, very afraid.

P.F. Chang's Home Menu Meals - How Do you Say Yes in Chinese?

Y'all - This stuff is GOOD! P.F. Chang's Home Menu Meals

And easier than you could possibly believe. And if you split it with your roommate/life partner, it's only about 380 calories per serving. That's about 1/8 of the amount you'd consume if you ate at an actual P.F. Chang's. Not an option for me since there isn't one in Wilmington. And that's A-OK with my ever expanding rear.

Last night I tried the Garlic Chicken with Dan Dan Noodles. It was so rich and was ready in 12 minutes! In fact, it was so fast that I hadn't even finished making my starter ginger-dressing salad before the entree was ready. AWKWARD!

Last week they were $1.50 off at Harris Teeter. Go check it out sometime soon and see if you can catch a deal in the freezer aisle!

Deep Thoughts over the Dishwasher

Sometimes when I am putting up dishes and I see that something didn't get cleaned all the way and it needs another ash, I sing "Sometimes, just once ain't enough," to the tune of this song: Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough.

And then I put that spoon/plate/cup right back in the dishwasher and keep on keepin' on.

I had a pretty low key weekend of polishing silver and watching Twighlight, so I got to do a lot of soul-searching.

Hope everyone had a great weekend!

Ice Cream Sundays - Mint Chocolate Cookie

Oh baby. Oh baby.

I forgot how much I love mint ice cream, but this beautiful creation instantly reminded me. So minty fresh! So many giant chunks of cookie.

That's pretty much all I need to say! I want to put this whole pint in a giant bowl, splash it with some milk, and eat the whole thing all day. Something about the freshness of the mint taste makes it feel like it's not as bad for you. Ha!

I'm seriously turning into an ice cream monster who manipulates herself to believe ice cream is good for me. DANGER!

(Btw, I'm not cheating on Ben and Jerry's with Edy's. This is someone else's freezer...That's right, I even travel with my ice cream. Again, DANGER!)

Summary:

Flavors Tried - 18

Pounds Gained - 0

Favorite Flavor - Mint Chocolate Cookie...that's right, there's a new kid in town!

Diveats - Smoothies

I've been making such amazing smoothies recently that it's almost scary. I really might have missed my calling as a Smoothista!

Look at that creamy perfection.

Let me tell you how I do it/Humor me.

In a blender, add about 4 ice cubes, and a frozen banana.

The frozen banana is KEY to this being essentially like a milkshake (yea, you read that right!). Just make sure to break the banana in chunks before you freeze it so it blends easier.

Then add about 3 frozen strawberries and a half cup of milk. Sometimes I add more depending on how big I want the smoothie.

Blend, stir, blend, push everything toward the bottom, blend, stir, and blend until it becomes totally smooth and chunk free. Then put in a cup, marvel at the fact that you made this totally luscious and 100% healthy smoothie, and eat it!

I also add some peanut butter to my spoon so that I get a little nibble with every spoonful of smoothie. I feel like peanut butter gets lost in smoothies if you blend it in, and peanut butter is something that needs to be tasted! So lacing the spoon with PB is my solution to getting lots of little bites.

I also usually add blueberries to the top, but this morning there was no room. My cup runneth over!

Look at that froth! It's just as good as a milkshake and 100% better for you!

Thanks for listening :) Sometimes things are too awesome to not share with the world.

Opa!

This morning just got so exciting! In addition to receiving a coupon in my email for a FREE Jersey Mike's sub and drink on my Birthday next Thursday, I also got an email from Ben and Jerry's about this: Greek Frozen Yogurt (click on the link to see the lusciousness).

What? You don't also receive Ben & Jerry's Chunkmail? Seriously, that's what it's called.

You can bet your daily serving of lactose that I will be hitting up my local grocer after work to see if they carry this yet. It's not part of my 46 flavor experiment, but I am willing to go off the grid for this one.

Even the packaging is too cute to pass up!

Watch out Peanut Butter Banana - I'ma eat you up!

*Edited to add: While investigating the nearest availability of the Greek Frozen Yogurt, I discovered that Ben and Jerry's has come out with 2 new flavors since the beginning of my 46 flavor experiment. So now it's a 48 flavor experiment. Oy Vey!

Too big to fail fit

It happens every year.

I make the pilgrimage to Target, hoping to find cute bathing suits with even more adorable prices.

And every year I leave defeated bymy inability to fit into even what, according to Target, is an XL.

I took the liberty of doing a size comparison while I was in the dressing room for dramatic effect. (And to spare you from the actual sight of me in the bikini).

In my mind, an XL should be larger than the average bar of soap, which this one is NOT...and which you would be able to see if I'd turned the dang bar of soap vertical. Oops!

I bring this up only because it's miserable enough looking for waterproof pieces to showcase your big butt and boobs if you ain't "got it goin' on". Don't add insult to injury by making me pay top dollar and shop in a specialized section of J.Crew.Com for a top that fits.

Btw, in case you were wondering what it feel like to not even be able to wear the biggest size of something at a store, the answer is: Not that awesome.

I thought Target was for the regular people of this consumer-hungry world! And people with regular bodies :(

Any curvy ladies out there know a place to get non-XS suits on the cheap??

I cracked the code

To all near and future honeymooners out there: Please stop posting pictures of yourself in your honeymoon suite in a bathrobe with your new spouse.

We know that means you just had sex. And we don't ever need to know that you just had sex.

Same goes for pictures of the bubble baths you are about to take - and have sex in. As well as the pictures of the rose petals on your bed - that you are about to remove so you can get in the bed and have sex.

This is TMI at it's most obvious. And, especially if you are Facebook friends with your parents, it needs to go away immediately. ICK!

Family Decals - Psychotic Episode edition

Wowza. Don't think I want to go on a family vacay with this clan. From this range it appears we have a golfer, a skater, a girl with a chainsaw, a poor swimmer with floaties, a candy striper?, and the world's most giant Cardinal bird. Oh and one scraggly dog, two birds that look like they are from a cartoon, and a deamon skull with a Jester hat on.

Do you notice anything missing from this family unit? PARENTS! Someone call Child Protective Services. And Animal Control while you're at it!

Part of me hopes that this is all a big joke that someone decided to play on their car. But, thanks to some research I did last week, I happen to know that these decals are not cheap! That's one stupid, expensive joke if it is indeed a joke. And if not, may this family never unleash the giant bird on the rest of the world!

Ice Cream Sundays - Milk & Cookies

This ice cream was not love at first bite. Because the initial bite I had seemed really plain with only small pieces of cookies. I kind of abandoned it for a while and gave up hope.

Then a few days later I decided, "Hey, who am I to judge an ice cream just from the top spoon skim. I owe it to Milk & Cookies to eat some more!" (My logic of how it's ok to eat more ice cream ice getting quite scary).

I pretty much ended up eating the whole bottom of the pint. It appears that after my initial bite someone took the liberty of testing the rest of the top and the middle for me. Will the real Cookie Monster please stand up?

But it all worked out for the best because the bottom of that ice cream was magnificent. Everything you want a chunky ice cream to be. Creamy, chunky, chewy. There are chocolate chocolate cookies and chocolate chip cookies in this ice cream. My favorites were the chocolate chip cookie chunks. I almost believed that they had just been baked and blended in to the ice cream. They were that authentic.

I do have to say, in a battle of traditional Cookies n' Cream and Ben and Jerry's Milk & Cookies, I'd pick Cookies n Cream just because I love it and am used to it and love the dichotomy between creamy and crunchy. But Milk & Cookies is definitely my new favorite first cousin of the original. In fact, I wouldn't mind having a family reunion with him right now!

SUMMARY:

Flavors Tried - 17

Pounds Gained - 0

Favorite Flavor - Cinnamon Buns

Yesterday I was talking to a guy friend whose parents are coming in to town this weekend. He saw that the Vagina Monologues were performing at UNCW at jokingly suggested that he take his parents there.

Then there was a moment of silence...

"Wait, what is that show? Are there actual, talking vaginas?"

Oh, men. You never cease to amaze me. I admit, I have no idea what the show is about, but I know it's not talking private parts. Sorry to use the "v" word twice, but that's just amazing. And so physically impossible.

Happiness on the Web

I'm obsessed. Click each link below. British accents and pop music at their finest.

It all started with this - Sophia Grace and Rosie sing Super Bass and post to YouTube.

Then Ellen noticed and brought them on her show and this cuteness magic happened -
Sophie Grace and Rosie sing with Nicki Minaj

Then they get to come back and explain their magic fairies to Ellen - Fairy tunnels!!

Then, proving that they are more then just R&B singers - They rap

Then, those lucky sons of guns got to go to the Grammy's - And meet so many celebrities

Basically they are living my dream! But are way cuter doing it.

Also, Sophia Grace's spunk reminds me soo much of my sister. She has no fear of being on stage and I respect the hell out of that! I'm definitely more of the silent "hype girl". I know all the words but I'll be damned if I'm going to sing them in from of people!

Haha Cry Cry

My workload/life has gotten so out of control recently that I find myself with the constant desire to watch Bridget Jones Diary, while snuggling beneath a quilt, alternating between fits of laughter and uncontrollable crying - preferrably over a bowl of Ben and Jerry's...It is, afterall, my life's work!

That movie is so hilarious it almost makes me forget that Renee Zellwegger has never, ever fully opened her eyes. I want to start watching it everyday.

Valetine's Day Massacre

Happy Valentine's Day. AKA, the most perpetually dissapointing holiday every year, right behind New Year's Eve.

I'm not celebrating this year because I think it's a stupid holiday designed to sell cards, flowers, and chocolates. And to make single people feel alone and hostile toward their married breathren, when every other day of the year they got nothin' but love.

Also, because last year I went all out, made Indian food from scratch, bought a bottle of bubbly, and made pink waffles from scratch. Only to end up alone, eating 4 servings of Chicken Tikka Masala, drinking most of a bott of champagne, and make pink waffles the next morning with a very terrible headache.

This week I'm treating February 14 as what it really is:

-A Tuesday

-Another day in the way of my weekend

-Another day in which I have to plausible reason to eat a box of chocolates.

Btw, did you know that Valentine's day, and more specifically Saint Valentine, had nothing to do with romance or chocolate fondue? It actually stems from the death of two ancient Romans, both named Valentine, who were executed (one even beheaded!) on February 14th for their attempts to convert Emperor Claudius II to Christianity in 3rd Century A.D.

On that note, happy Valentine's Day lovers!

Hands, Touching Sweaty Hands

This is my only thought about the Bachelor last night, besides the constant fact that Courtney makes me scared for my life:

I’m already not a fan of holding hands. Ever. If I was vying for a guy’s love and I was faced with the option of holding his hand while ascending the many steep steps an ancient Mayan temple in Belize, or getting voted off, I’d walk myself right over to the getaway boat and say Adios to Benny Boy on the spot.

If you are one of the sickos that likes holding hands, fine. Keep it casual. But hand holding and recreational sports and/or physical activities just do not equal romance.

Low Emissions, High Reactions

I drive a Hybrid. Did I already tell you that?

It's awesome for 2 reason:

1) Good for the environment (at least allegedly)

2) Awesome for people's reactions when you come to a complete stop and your car shuts off.

If I had a dollar for everything someone freaked out in the passenger side about my car shutting down, I'd have about 15 dollars.

"Ummm, I don't want to alarm you, but your car just died." Haha, no it didn't. I'm just Captain Planet in the flesh.

Last week I went thru the Chik Fil'a drive thru and got one of my best reactions yet. The woman behind the counter started handing me my Lemonade and then realized my car shut off.

*Dramatic Pause*

Her: "Oh shoot girl! Your car just died!"

Me: "Actually it just does that when I stop, it's a hybrid."

Her: "Well I got a car just like that and it don't do that."

Me: "They actually stopped making them a few years ago."

Her: "Yea...Because mine definitely don't do that."

Pure bliss - I get to save the planet and stoopify people everywhere I go. Truly a dream come true...Now, if I could just find that tater-tot I dropped under my seat that very same day.

Crack is, Indeed, Whack

Can we talk for a minute about Whitney Houston dying?

I know it is sooo sad, and I feel bad for her daughter (for many reasons), but I am just not the least bit shocked.

Remember this, and this, and this? Homegirl had been essentially dying for years.

I think I'm not that sad because the Whitney I knew died years ago when she started free-basing crack in crappy hotel rooms.

I was WAY more devastated when Bernie Mac died. That remains my all-time greatest celebrity mourning of all time. Damn that brother was funny!

This is as alarming to me as it was when Michael Jackson died (i.e., NOT AT ALL). America: When you take drugs for a long time you put yourself at a high risk of dying. This is not new information.

If you are allowed to be surprised that Whitney Houston died, then I get to be surprised that pizza won't make me skinny. Fair enough?

Also, when you marry Bobby Brown, bad things are likely to happen. If you need the answers to anymore highly obvious questions, hit me up. I'll be here all day.

White Noise

Did you see the Grammy's last night?

WHAT A SNOOZEFEST!

When I wasn't so bored that I couldn't pay attention, I got the gist that the evening went something like this:

1) Sadness about Whitney

2) Adele won an award and was super cute and classy

3) Old people sang stuff together in uninteresting outfits

4) Adele won an award and was super cute and classy

5) Tributes to dead people

6) Adele performed Rolling in the Deep and I was sad because I am painfully sick of that song and because I know she has so many other better songs.

7) Tribute to Whitney, in which people remained inexplicably shocked that prolonged drug abuse killed someone

8) Adele won an award and was super cute and classy

Insert lots of "Marilyn had some snacks and read magazines and surfed the net" in between all of that. There weren't even any outrageous outfits or nip slips! Bo. Ring.

Who know that awards for a bunch of anorexic actors and silent film stars would be more entertaining than a music show!

Give me a movie/TV award show any day of the week. I'm still bored just thinking of last night!

This is Me - In One Line

Wow. The Real Housewives of Orange County got some "catchy" new one-liners for their introductions this season.

It seems that every one of the girls updated her sassy description of herself. And all were pretty remarkably stupid.

I think my favorite is Gretchen's: "Don't call me a Princess. Call me the boss."

I'm sorry, What now!? WTF does that even mean. And why would you want anyone to call you either name. Princess is for babies and boss is for people who have more than themself as an employee...Unless you like to speak in 3rd person and talk dirty to yourself?

I wonder what my catchphrase would be on a show like this. "Please stop looking at me. No really, you're making me uncomfortable"?

I still think nothing beats NeNe Leake's original line, "I don't keep up with the Jonses. I AM the Jonses."

Put that in your pipe and smoke it!

Kung Fu Blouse

Do you ever have one of those days in which you think you look ok, wearing a nice blouse and plain black pants? Then you suddenly realize you look like Jackie Chan in Shanghai Noon.

Welcome to my Thursday. Judo Chop!

Who's House?

Uugh that game last night. It pretty much ended in the worst case scenario. Unless, of course, you are Duke. In which case it was the best and most exciting outcome possible.

I hate that we lost on a 3-point shot. I find Duke's style of playing to be very uninteresting when they just continuously make 3 point shots and never really drive the ball.

To me, Duke is not what college basketball should be. I think a basketball team's racial ratio should be like the gender ratio at UNC (which is about 70:30 female to male I think). There should be way more black dudes on a team than white. Even Duke's black guys are white. (Please see RIVERS, the petite white/black man that ruined my evening with his final shot). So it's basically just a bunch of pasty, white, Yankee, 3-point making one-trick ponies. That I do NOT want to mount.

Ok that's all. If you're a Duke fan, don't respond. I am just venting my frustration at an unbelievable game and heartbreaking loss.

The real story of the night was the experience of watching a basketball game that started at 9pm. It turns out, gone are the days of me pre-gaming it during the game and then going out afterwards with my friends, like in college...which was apparently a long time ago?! I enjoyed watching it with my husband last night over some wine, but the whole time I was terrified at how bad I would feel in the morning from staying up so late. What a thrill!

My price points haven't changed. I just went from drinking $7.00 12-packs of Busch Light to $5 bottles of whatever wine is on sale.

But hot damn my curfew has. After drinking excitedly during the whole game, we panicked when only 5 minutes were left, strategizing how much water we could drink before bed without wetting it and how many ibuprofen we could safely take with overdosing.

If I was waiting for that "Aha!" moment to alert me that I'm not that young anymore, that was probably it.

I have been hungover exactly once at my new job and it was terrible. There is nothing worse than people expecting a lot out of you when your brain is functioning at 20%. Especially when that 20% just wants to never stop eating snacks.

Luckily whatever I did worked! I feel fine this morning but my heart still hearts :( I hate losing to Dookies more than I hate politics.

Busy Bee + Bachelor

Oh my busy.

Two of my coworkers are gone at the same time and it is wreaking havoc on my ability to blog and stay connected. But at least not on my ability to watch The Bachelor at night!

That girl in the red dress who tried to dry hump Ben at the cocktail party was so painfully awkward. She did something that is hard to achieve = Made me feel so uncomfortable that I was embarrassed to be around people, and I was just by myself. Basically she embarrassed me in front of myself. That's hard to do.

She should have just quit while she was prudish and behind. At least that way she could have kept her dignity instead of ensuring that no guy will ever want to sleep with her again after the episode airs. Much less attempt to "talk dirty". Because if she wasn't already going to get sent home for lack of communication and connection, then it was definitely going to be for attempting the most awkward unwelcome lap dance in Bachelor history.

Semi-related, I have decided that Courtney wouldn't seem like such a sociopath if she didn't keep scrunching up her lips like she was about to turn into the exorcist and attack a bitch.

It's getting down to the nitty gritty. Only 6 more ladies and what will somehow be stretched into 10 more episodes to go!

Ice Cream Sundays - Cookie Dough

This flavor was really good. Simple and good. I really love Vanilla Ice Cream so this had a base I knew I was going to love. I also love cookie dough chunks so it was just a great match.

The only thing I would change about this flavor would be to make the Cookie Dough balls bigger. I would prefer that I got a few chews per ball then to take the chance of having the ball slip down my gullet before I even get a chance to bite and taste it. When it comes to life, that is just not a risk I am willing to take.

I'd definitely get this again. Like I said, it was simple and good. That's how I like things most of the time!

Summary:

Flavors Tried - 16

Pounds Gained - 0

Favorite Flavors - Cinnamon Buns & Strawberry Cheesecake (I was recently told by a friend that he was disappointed in Cinnamon Buns and thought it was inferior to Strawberry Cheesecake, so I added SC back to the favorites so that I can't be held personally responsible for one's unsatisfactory ice cream purchase.)

Dry Shampoo 4Eva

Dry Shampoo Saved My Life.

It's dramatic, but it's true. Have you ever heard of Dry Shampoo before? I'm pretty sure I'm behind the better part of a decade on this one, but I have to throw this out there to those lost, greasy-headed souls who need a solution. I understand you. I was you.

...until last month when I bought dry shampoo at the urging of a hair stylist who gasped in HORROR when I told her at a cocktail party that I've never had a Brazilian Blow Out and that I didn't know what dry shampoo was.

After fruitlessly looking around the hair care aisle of Target for about 30 minutes (what would a dry shampoo look like anyway?! Is it liquid? Is it powder?), I finally found a bottle of it. It turns out it's a spray, by the way. I decided to buck up and buy in the $8 range instead of the $4 range, because I loathe the smell of baby powder and just couldn't take that risk.

I lucked out and ended up with a brand that doesn't smell like baby powder. And after spraying the hellll out of my hair with it, I watched in amazement as my greasy limp noodles were refreshed into a dry, voluminous head of hair.

Now I use it in the evening if I have an event and don't have time to shower. (It should be noted that an "event" in my life is drinking wine on someone's back porch with finger foods...but still, gotta freshen up the mane).

I also have a confession. This morning, after being way too tired and lazy after last night's concert, I didn't shower this morning! I just sprayed more dry shampoo in. This is noteworthy because this is just NOT something I can get away with. My hair is so naturally oily that it starts getting greasy before it even dries after I shampoo it. No joke.

Now, after I work out today, I can shower without feeling over-productive. (I really hate taking 2 showers in one day.)

Is it weird that my hair looks better 2 days old with dry shampoo than it does fresh out the shower? Wait, don't answer that!

Now, if only they made the dry shampoo version of soap, I'd never have to shower again!

Music and Butts

Last night I went to a Robert Earl Keen concert. It was really fun and I loved the music. But, as happens during most instances in which I exist, something strange happened.

First there was just this in the bathroom:

Luckily it didn't affect me because this was just a standard #1 situation. But my heart went out to those in the past and the future who come rushing into the bathroom with an emergency "situation", only to be greeted by this sign. It's bad enough when something like that happens in public. To further know that you are going to wreak havoc on the internal plumbing of the entire concert community is just heartbreaking.

I'm pretty sure the saying "Ignorance Is Bliss" came from someone who wished they didn't know that they were about to blow up a plumbing system in a public venue.

The next weirdness came at the tail end of the night. I was standing next to my friends and my husband. And a VERY creepy couple who had seemed content to keep to themselves all night while sexually body grooving throughout the whole show...Until the last few songs.

That was when the man of the couple asked me if I would smack his wife in the ass, because "she was really in to that sort of thing." I politely declined, because I am not a sexual/social deviant. And because, EWWW.

Then he asked Grant if he would smack his girlfriend's ass. "Come on. Just do it."

This is when things got a little dicey. The G-Man isn't the best at saying no. And, although Thank heavens he didn't smack the random girl's butt, he did decide that the next best option to appease the swinger/man in question was to hit ME in the butt.

Oohhh HELL NO!

We immediately left after that. Me, with a stinging butt cheek. And Grant with an involuntary lesson on when it is absolutely imperative to learn to say No to strange, swinger men. (Answer: When it involves smacking your wife in the butt.)

I also saw a guy in the front who did not stop doing the "cowabunga" movement with his right hand the entire show. I'd bet my life that that man is currently suffering from the world's most severe hand cramp ever today.

Total Recall - Baby Edition

I was watching the news Today Show this morning when I saw a brief segment about the Pfizer recall of approximately 1 million birth control packets. Article: here. And by brief I do mean brief, maybe the segment lasted 10 seconds?

That's not a whole lot of time to break it down to a woman that she might be accidentally pregnant. Good morning!

I was actually on the Arc Trainer at the gym when I saw this on TV. It's a good thing I don't take that birth control, because I would have fallen right off of that machine if I'd just heard word, via the 3rd tier morning-news host, that I might be about to have a baby, by accident. And not even my accident! The accident of multi-billion dollar company that's sole purpose is to develop and distribute safe prescription pills.

Not cool, Pfizer. Not cool. I'm pretty sure that's not how family planning is supposed to go. Mazel mazel to the new moms out there!

It's Personal and It's Free

Guess what?! I got a personal trainer.

And the best part is that it's free!

Ok, that's not entirely true. The free part is. Just not the part about getting a personal trainer.

I did, however, develop a diabolical scheme to get free expert advice from personal trainers without having to pay a penny.

I just started working out in the mornings the last couple of weeks and by doing so, I discovered a goldmine of free fitness advice. It turns out that morning are when most of the group and personal training sessions occur.

Here's how it works: I pound out some cardio for about 30-40 minutes on a machine that has a perfect view of the weight/training area of the gym. I study and memorize all of the moves that the clients do with their trainers, while playing dumb and pretending to watch the Today Show.

I particularly like the exercises that don't involve specialized weights. That way I can do the routines at home and no one will know that I'm stealing classified information.

It may sound like a pretty dishonest plan, and I don't know how much a personal trainer cost, but I know it's more than free, so I'm willing to look past the morality of my new fitness regime.

I had my first "session" last night while watching the Bachelor and doing all sorts of push ups and lunges, and I am sore! This is already proving to be the most efficient fitness regime ever. I get to work out while watching epic shows like the Bachelor and Biggest Loser, and I get to keep all my money!

Free tickets to the gun show!