Denim Shards

"Finally! Pajama Jeans for Men!" (Click here)

Finally, indeed! I have been getting so sick of men wearing traditional, adorable, cotton pajama pants around the house or to bed. It's time to liven things up with a splash of acid-washed denim!

Ladies, am I right?!?!

These Pajama Jeans remind me of the good old days, back when I was a preteen shopping at Abercrombie. Remember the torn and shredded jeans that cost twice as much as their in-tact counterparts? What mom doesn't love taking their daughter shopping for ill-kempt pants that totally unnecessarily show the knee thru a webbed shard of denim? Bonus: Abercrombie plays the most migraine-inducing music in all the malls in all the land. Win, Win for a doting mom!

My favorite style of the pajama jeans is obviously the "Knit Jeans Lounge Pants", due to the fact that the "Dark Wash has realistic designs of patches, rips and what looks like your favorite pair of boxers peeking out the top." No, those are not real boxers. And also because "Jeans features designs of rips, tears and a button fly." Yes, yes, and yes! Who doesn't want pre-crappy pants?

The good news is that lounging around the house just got a whole lot trashier. The bad news is that every single style of these denim impostors is Sold Out. For just $12.95 per handsome pair, how am I not surprised?

Mo' Money Mo' Fast Food

Oh My Food.

What a gluttonous holiday I have had. Many snacks, many drinks, and many, many calories.

What about you? I know I wasn't the only one. For instance, the person who stole my credit card two days before Christmas also had a lot to eat at Church's Chicken, Burger King, and Wendy's, all in one night! Then he/she chased it down with a $344 package from DirecTV.

While I cringe at the possibility of losing my hard earned money to some jerk who couldn't afford his own Whopper, I take a little comfort knowing that whoever stole from me probably had one serious case of diarehha after eating at 3 gross fast food chains in one night.

'Tis the season, to steal from innocent strangers. Ooooh wait, no. STEALING IS NOT NICE!

I am just happy to have some backup Christmas cash and some fruits and veggies back in my life. Yule Tide makes me chubby.

Ice Cream Sundays - Cinnamon Buns

Color me Weak in the Kneees.

This flavor is amazing! It's like the Strawberry Cheesecake of Winter. Soothing to the soul and pleasing to the pallet. It seriously warmed my heart.

Some would even call it God's gift to lactose. No, just me?

If you like melt in your mouth pieces of cinnamon bun dough (aaah!) and divine chewy bites of cinnamon streusel (yaaay!) than you will love this as much as me. If you don't, then you're probably certifiably insane.

Buy this. It is like the puffy vest of winter - It feels good inside and outside and never makes you feel suffocated or in excess.

Summary:

Flavors Tried - 11

Pounds Gained - 0

Favorite Flavors - It's a tie! Strawberry Cheesecake and Cinnamon Buns

'Tis the Season to be Crazy

Oh Mimi you so crazy. Check out this article about how Mariah starts planning her Christmas in June. And people say I plan too far ahead of time!

You really have to respect this woman's passion for Christmas and all things over-the-top. My favorite part of the article is when she is quoted as saying, "I love cooking and I'm a smash-hit wonder in the kitchen."

That is just not something normal people say about themselves. Which is why I 100% believe that Mariah Carey said it.

Finally, can I get a "WHAT WHAT" for that picture above. Mariah Carey, circa the mid-90's, with a reindeer. That is pretty much a trifecta of awesome right there.

Merry Almost Christmas everyone!!

Diveats - Quinoa-Stuffed Peppers with Basil Sauce

Behold. The stuffed pepper revisited.

This ain't your average Tex-Mex stuffed pepper. This here is fancy, yall!

Quinoa-Stuffed Peppers with Basil Sauce, adapted from this recipe by Giada De Laurentiis.

(By adapted I mean the exact same except that I used Quinoa instead of Couscous and Sundried Tomatoes instead of Currants. Seriously, what is a currant?)

Mix up all the ingredients in a big bowl and stuff the peppers. The ingredients of this recipe were truly meant to be together. They marry perfectly in these peppers.

Blend the sauce. It's so easy and quick. Don't you just love the zing of lemon juice. So refreshing!


Blend the sauce until creamy and delicious! It really is an elegant sauce. I would know. I'm extremely elegant.

This is a pepper after baking at 375 degrees for about an hour. It's a little burnt/crispy on the top but that's OK. Crispy is a good thing! And it will get pretty during the next step.

I cut them in half for ease of serving and eating. And to expose those beautiful colors. Look, it's Christmas on a plate!

And if I'm being honest, it just allows for more surface area for the sauce :)

Spoon some of the creamy sauce on top and you have got yourself one colorful, delicious pepper for dinner!

It's the cure for the common dinner!

I also heart USA...

But maybe not as much as this guy!

In New York

More on my trip to the Big Apple...

Well, as many of you know, I've been searching for the perfect wallet for about 3 months now. Remember this awesome exchange with some unexpected jabrones in Shanghai? After 10+ emails in highly broken English with a woman named Cherish, and the loss of a 5% international transaction fee, I was informed that OutletMichaelKors.com no longer had my order in stock. Splendid.

So I did what any low-brow unknowing southerner would do, I went to Bergdorf Goodman thinking I'd find something sensible there! I should have known after seeing the window displays that this was not the place for me.

Pardon the glare on most of these photos, but allow me to describe these confusing displays of fashion.

Below we have a Walrus dressed in a tuxedo, with his friend the Ram, and Lion, on a glacier. It was already about 30 degrees in NYC that day. I find it unlikely that one would be inclined to buy the haute couture on the one human in this display who is sitting on a glacier with well dressed arctic animals...but that's just me.

Next we have 2 albino birds in sparkly silver dresses. Nothing steps up a ball gown like a nice beak accessory. They should probably consider putting on some earrings though. I mean COME ON!

Behold the 3 teeth baring wolves staring at themselves in the mirror, dressed in blazers and fitted slacks. I simply do not remember the fairy tale from my youth that tells of the 3 vain wolves measuring each other's inseams. I must have been sick that day.


I am pretty sure that neon lighting says "Aggressive Night". I'll say! And it is weird that the strangest thing in this display is not the cardinal head? Look at that jacket! You may leave the runway.

Finally! Something traditional! A charcoal suit with a classic diagonal striped tie...on a lion who is bench-pressing in his Sunday best.



Needless to say Bergdorf's was not the home of my future wallet. I just "wasn't in the mood" for Prada or Chanel that day.

Other finds at other stores...


The toeless leather boat. For those chilly winter days when your body wants to be warm, but your heart wants to be a slut a show some unnecessary skin.

This one is hard to make out, but rest assured, the woman in the background was wearing ALL of her hair on one side of her head. And she had a LOT of hair. (The woman in the forefront is my #1 supporter of all things blog related. And my mom.)

Well gosh. I guess that's all! New York City is wonderful but most def not going to be my "forever home". I cherish things like backyards, glasses of wine under $15, and the ability to call a cab 15 minutes in advance, knowing that a toothless or over talkative country boy will pick you up and be your best friend by the time you reach your destination.

Unsuccessfully trying to hail a cab for 20 minutes, and/or running after a stranger I thought was my sister and getting in the wrong cab is just not good for my confidence.

I heart NC!

Spirit in the sky

AKA, Airborne Ghetto.

If you want to experience a nerve-wracking, unsanitary travel situation, I have a recommendation for you.

Fly Spirit Airlines. But not just out of anywhere. Fly it out of Myrtle Beach, SC.

I flew to NYC this past weekend and it was gross.

My flight was full of nothing but Street Rats and Sort-of-thugs. I knew for sure that if Natural Selection applied to the open skies, that plane was surely going to blow up. And if not that, I thought for sure there would be a riot before takeoff. People were already not happy about something. It was an all around uneasy feeling.

Grant, who usually doesn't mind flying (much unlike me), even commented when we got on the plane, "Oooh great. Someone defacated on the seat next to me." The seats, which were covered in gunk and dirt, were also so small that I thought the large lady next to me might actually be stuck for good.

There were more weaves on that flight than in Wendy William's personal collection. And also there was this:

Do you see those nails?!?! This woman not only had skunk streaks in the front of her hair, and a set of headphones that suggested she thought she was in a Call Center, she also had 4 inch nails. I should have known when I saw her in the waiting area that she would be sitting right across from me.

It was equal parts disgusting and bizarre. The underside of those nails looked like crusty charcoal and will haunt me for ages. So really it was 90% disgusting and 10% bizarre.

Extreme Closeup!

She started off by pounding a Double-Vodka Cranberry on our return flight at 11:30am on a Sunday. Then she ate a Sausage, Egg, and Cheese Croissant from Dunkin Donuts. To which she added 7 packs of salt. (Not exaggerating).

Then when she got snackish a little later, she ate what appeared to be a cheese flatbread. To which she added 2 packs of mayonnaise. And then, (commence dry heaving), when a little mayo squeezed out the sides because there was soooo much mayo, she would use her gross long nails as a shovel to scrape up the excess mayo and place it on another spot, lest she waste a mere ounce of lard. VOM!

I do, however, feel like I should commend her on the dexterity of her knuckles. But that's about all she could use.

Next time I'm going to pony up the extra hundy and fly a non-budget airline out of a non-trashy city. Flying is already a nightmare. I don't see the point in adding insult to injury.

Sleepy Wine

I have a theory that I am currently pursuing. It is this: "Red wine makes my husband snore".

Among his many, many amazing qualities, he was blessed with the gift of not snoring. This is ideal for me because I cannot even sleep with the sound of my own thoughts running through my head. Let alone the nasal congestion of another lying next to me.

Come to think of it, I don't even know if I originally cared about his personality. Once I realized he didn't snore I knew he had to be mine. That' always been a top priority for my Mr. Right...I kid.

Now there's a new dynamic to this dream quality. Apparently the kryptonite of not snoring is red wine. One glass is all it takes to make my silent life partner a veritable back-of-throat machine gun. Luckily this doesn't happen often, because he probably drinks about one week night a month (oh the horror!), but when it does happen it highly amuses me...and then makes me one cranky beotch from lack of sleep.

As long as he keeps to a bi-monthly maximum it will make me curiously giggle. And it means more wine for me!

Ice Cream Sundays - Pistachio Pistachio

This flavor is extremely interesting! The main reason being that it is not even that sweet. Who would have thought that quality could exist in an ice cream?!

It's not very sweet, but it is very good. I might even use this as a pallet cleanser sometime...if I ever had a party fancy enough for such a thing. Which I never will.

But it's good just as a cool refreshing, semi-savory treat bite. It has delicious pieces of roasted pistachios mixed throughout and the ice cream itself is just tasty and simple. I recommend it to try at least. It might not be your favorite, but it will be the most perplexing ice cream you've tried this year!

Summary:

Flavors Tried - 10

Pounds Gained - 0

Favorite Flavor - Can you guess?? Still Strawberry Cheesecake!

Parme$an

Hold the phone.

Is anyone else out there aware of the Parmesan cheese racket going on in grocery stores these days?

Last night I decided to top some asparagus with a little freshly grated Parmesan and some lemon juice. Sounds simple, right?

Well I'll be damned if I didn't go into the Harris Teeter, scour the randomly placed fancy cheese cart, and find only 2 brand options of Parmesan Reggiano, the cheapest and smallest of which was $9.45.

Umm, what? Have I never used Parmesan Reggiano before? How did I not know how unbelievably expensive this shit is?

Now I'm in a really though situation. After watching hundreds of episodes of Giada At Home, I am now convinced I need to put freshly grated Parmesan Reggiano on everything. And after seeing how much it cost, I am now convinced I can't afford to put it on anything.

I ended up getting the Harris Teeter "Fancy Shredded Parmesan Cheese", which isn't fancy at all. It kinda doesn't even look like cheese. Nonetheless, it still tasted great when roasted over asparagus.

And, the best part, you don't even have to pronounce it like a fake Italian. Score one for the po' folk.

Give me awkward

I'm still refraining from any work related post at this time to be a good girl.

But I have one story I have to tell. And it's only vaguely related to work so what the hay.

Words I never thought I'd say: I just got my head shots taken.

It was in a warehouse building with one lone man with a mustache. Not only did he equate Photoshopping my pictures to slipping me a Roofie (not what you want to hear when you are alone with a strange man in a random building), he also made me watch him while he photoshopped my picture. I can't think of a more uncomfortable situation for a person who already hates having her picture taken. This just in, apparently my lips are crooked and I have broad shoulders.

Oh and Carole King just came out with a new Christmas album. He made me listen to it with him while he virtually removed my zits and whitened my teeth. Boy do I feel beautiful!

And now, naturally, I'm perspiring and shaking off lots of lingering awkwardness.

In other semi-work related news, tonight is our Christmas party. This is my favorite time of year no matter where I work because I love the first foray into the personal lives of the people you spend every working day with. You get to see if they drink, how much, what their spouses look like, and, my personal favorite, what kind of jeans they wear!

All of my current coworkers are actually really attractive and normal so I'm not expecting any unexpected mom jeans or drastic mismatches in terms of couples. But who's to say about the drinking aspect!? There could be a token drunken slut episode!! Fingers crossed!

Amazingly Stupid Lyrics to Songs I love

This song, which is surprisingly played an awful lot on XM radio considering that it came out in 2001, never ceases to amaze me.

Just for little lyrics like these, found here:

- Baby I would climb the Andes solely
To count the freckles on your body

Thoughts - That doesn't even rhyme. And what the hell kind of freckled beast are you dating that you could still see their freckles from atop a mountain chain?? MISMATCH!

- Lucky that my breasts are small and humble
So you don't confuse them with mountains

Thoughts - Oh, honey, no. Since we are still on the mountain theme, you are clearly still referring to that freckly ginger from earlier. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but in addition to being at a high risk for skin cancer, he's clearly also a virgin. Breasts, no matter the size, are not typically mistaken for mountains.

Clearly English is your third language. After Spanish and shaking the ever-loving shit out of your hips.

Great tune though!

Indian Feast Made Fast and Easy...and Cheap!!

Do you ever crave an Indian feast but not want to spend restaurant spices to get your fill?? Well I have got just the thing for you. Simmer Sauces! I am sure there are several out there, but these are the two brands I've tried from the International Aisle at Harris Teeter. They are near the Soy Sauce.

It is SOO easy to make a luscious Indian meal. Just grab these few ingredients below:

1) Simmer Sauce

2) Jasmine Rice (how is this rice so good??)

3) Your meat of choice! I went crazy last night and did a combo of chicken and shrimp.

Saute meat, add simmer sauce, and simmer until meat is done and rice is cooked! It's so easy and the finished product is a warm bowl of Indian delight.

Of course the above picture looks more like dog food than an Indian feast, but that's just because I'm too lazy to use my real camera and instead continue to take sub par quality pictures with my phone. That's why this sauce is so good for a lazy girl like me!

Make this tonight! You can make the whole jar, meat, and rice for about $10 and that makes 3 servings. Booya!

Holiday Mixing

Last weekend I did something I've been waiting over a year to do. I christened my Kitchen Aid Mixer that I got as a wedding gift.

...Queue the sound of Angels rejoicing!!!

In case you don't know, or are a straight man, Kitchen Aid Mixers are pretty much a must-have in any fabulous kitchen. It is a right of passage for snobby non-professional chefs like myself.

I used it to make this:

That's made from scratch egg nog and it is delicious! I used this recipe from last year and it was even better than I remembered. I'm sure that had a lot to do with my new fabulous mixer :)

Go drink some egg nog if you haven't already this holiday season. It warms the heart and the esophagus and brings a smile to one's belly.

Ice Cream Sundays - Boston Cream Pie

Unfortunately, this flavor looks and sounds a lot better than it tastes. It wasn't bad, per say. But look at that pint container! I was expecting creamy chocolaty softness. Instead it was just kind of a blah nondescript ice cream with a few goodies here and there.

I will say, however, that one of those goodies rocked my socks off. It has actual pieces of cake in it! If only everything in the world had actual pieces of cake in it. The world would be a much happier place!

This flavor had a quality reminiscent of the Red Velvet Cake Flavor, which if you recall from this post, I found to have a bit of an artificial sugar flavoring. And again, I don't know how that's possible since it is made with real sugar, but it wasn't my jam.

Overall, this flavor was pretty forgettable to me.

Summary:

Flavors Tried - 9

Pounds Gained - 0

Favorite Flavor - Strawberry Cheesecake

Service with a bitter smile

Do you know what is not awesome?

Customer Service phone operators who give you the runaround. As in, "Let me talk to you for 20 minutes, listen to your problem that you've already told 5 other buffoons, act like I can help, and then ultimately tell you that the solution to your problem isn't in my department."

I recently synced my iPad to my computer for the first time in a while. It asked me if I wanted to join the Cloud. Naturally I said yes, because who doesn't want to live on a cloud?

Big mistake. That simple click of YES immediately deleted my Apple ID and all ability to work with the 300+ songs I've purchased from iTunes.

Commence Freak Out.

After calling LITERALLY 5 people, who told me that they "Have limited capabilities over the phone" (why the HELL is their a phone line for this sort of thing in the first place then???) I finally got word that my ID had spontaneously been changed to my email address.

Whatever. Problem solved.

The point is that it is damn hard to stay nice when you feel lost in a sea of telephone operators. I am a pretty nice person. And I was very nice to the first 2 people I talked to. But after explaining my issue for the umpteenth time to Customer Service Representatives 3-6, my voice got hoarse and my personality got a little "ragey".

If I am a paying customer who did nothing but get duped because I signed up for something that YOU offered me, don't screw with me. And DON'T mess with my musical collection of Mariah Carey and what is essentially "Now That's What I Call Music" volumes 1-37.

There are some things I can live without. But an mp3 of "Everybody Dance Now" by CC Music Factory is not one of them.

Au Natural

I have really big feet. A size 9.5-10 to be exact.

I was recently shoe shopping with my mother-in-law and we got to talking about my big ol' ski feet. (It's not as bad as it sounds). Then we started talking about how kids these days are just overall bigger in size, stature, feet, etc.

Personally I think it's because our food has lots of hormones in it. Mind you, I write this as I am eating canned tuna for lunch. I don't do anything to counter it, it just scares the shit out of me.

I seriously think in 1-3 generations our children will be borderline wildebeests. I for one am a very big person. I have the aforementioned gigantic feet, a big head, big bones, and calves that are scientifically proven to be larger than the thighs of my best friend. Talk about a confidence booster!

I like to blame this on the fact that my mom fed me Bologna sandwiches for lunch when I wasn't easting personal gallons of Coffee Ice Cream, but I also know that said best friend lived on a steady diet of turkey dogs and fat free cheese quesadillas when we were in high school. Hardly proof that fake foods make you fat (she's way little).

Nonetheless, I'm convinced that our food is filled with garbage that will eventually ruin us all. I want so badly to be able to afford to eat strictly organically, but I just can't! It is too damn expensive! Seriously, organic chicken is literally 3x the price of non-organic chicken. And by non-organic I'm sure that means filled with hormones and fed with poop.

If I ever get pregnant, however, I am going to eat only organically. I'd like my baby to have control over his or her own destiny. If he or she wants to eat Doritos until fingers turn orange and chow down on hormone-treated meat until he or she might as well be taking HGH, then so be it. But I will not be the one to give my child body issues or artificial fat cells.

Sure, with my genes they are already screwed. But at least I will give them the best organic tofurkey and baby Cornish game hens until they can afford to buy their own damn food. The future is a scary place when the entire human race is collectively killing themselves with cheeseburgers. I'ma try to fight that one offspring at a time.

P.S. There is a Whole Foods going up in Wilmington that I pass every day on the way to work, so that is why I suddenly have an opinion and passion about this organic foods and my gigantic feet.

Will Dance for Tacos

Well that was quick. I think my Zumba career is over after just 4 classes.

I decided this in last night's class when not even the most enthusiastic of fellow dancers was making me giggle and I couldn't get one mother freaking dance move right.

It comes down to the simple fact that sucking this bad at something is just not good for my self confidence.

Oh, and the fact that all of the Latin music they play just makes me want tacos soooo bad everytime I take a class. Last night I had to mentally manipulate myself into not hightailing it to the nearest Mexican restaurant after class.

Exercise + Tacos = Contradiction much?

The vicious cycle of food and exercise continues to confound and enrage me. I just need to move to one of those villages in Africa where they praise large women and even have fattening huts to keep them large and in charge.

Stop Drinking

Every now and then I am driving in my car and I hear a song so God awful that it makes me want to run into a telephone pole.

This week it was "Hangover" by Taio Cruz.

For realz, check out these lyrics: http://monsterlyrics.blogspot.com/2011/07/taio-cruz-ft-flo-rida-hangover-lyrics.html

To know that this song, which I heard on XM Top 20, is what today's youth will be bopping their heads to, makes me sad to the core.

Mostly because of lyrics like this:

- so i can go until i blow up, eh
and i can drink until i throw up, eh
and i don’t ever ever want to grow up

Excellent...Binge drinking until you're sick and never becoming responsible. Great goals. I bet you used your dad's credit card for those drinks.


- drink up! cause a body in a body ….
end up on the floor, …. you clueless
…. what the hell you’re doing
…. you know what? come again
give me henny, give me …, give me liquor, give me champagne

Now this doesn't even make sense, but it sure does remind me of something that happened at my own wedding. One guy got so drunk that took off all of his clothes, went up to the bar, and ordered a cup of "drunk".

Thanks for the inspiration Taio. Here's hoping Santa brings you a bottle of Excedrin and a gift card good for one trip to Rehab.

Ice Cream Sundays - Americone

Who doesn't love Stephen Colbert? And, more importantly, who doesn't love Fudge Covered Waffle Cone Pieces.

Wait, don't answer that. The answer is No One!

This ice cream is simple perfection. I loved the mellow flavors of the vanilla ice cream, the decadent hints of caramel swirls, and the triumphant pieces of fudge covered waffle cones found throughout. It all just goes together. It's like white wine and ice. Or politics and boredom. It just makes sense together!

I was also very grateful to find this flavor in a small serving, because let's be honest - An ice cream experiment during the holidays is just damn dangerous to one's ass.

Summary:

Flavors Tried - 8

Pounds Gained - Shut up it's the holidays

Favorite Flavor So far - Strawberry Cheesecake

Gimme Gimme

Something bad is happening.

Ever since I bought a house, I feel the need to keep with the Jonses. And by the Jonses I mean my insane spiralling selfish wants!

I have this sudden urgent need to make everything in my life more luscious so that it all fits together and unless I win the lottery I need to CTFO (Chill the F Out).

By everything I don't just mean my house. Yes I want to recover my Barbie pink couches and have bedspreads that fit the beds, but who doesn't?

What I'm talking about is residual lusciousness needs. Now I'm suddenly feeling like I need to smell better, so I need new perfume! I want to celebrate Christmas right, so I need a pretty wreath! I want to not have a $15 pink plastic summer wallet from Target anymore, so I need a new wallet!

What is happening to me?? Last year at this time I was using a hand-me-down fake Christmas tree, regifting the shiz out of old presents, and making "holiday" rice and beans for dinners just to stretch a dollar. I am historically not a big spender. I guess I have caught a case of Bieber Fever Greedy Brat Syndrome.

Does anyone out there have any cure? Or any money they want to give me to get all this crap I need want?? I haven't actually bought any of this stuff yet, and I probably won't because I ain't got the funds, but I want to make the feeling go away cuz I feel like a crazy, selfish beotch and I miss my prudent rational self.

I guess it's true what they say, "Money is all that matters". Can't you just feel that holiday spirit of giving!?

Schweaty Pits

source

This is just good stuff: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2068497/Tom-Cruise-looks-little-unsure-reveals-wet-look-Mission-Impossible-Ghost-Protocol-fan-screening.html

Oh Tommy C. This is what you get for dressing like Dexter on a kill mission, during a press conference for your movie.

I can surely sympathize with an excessive sweater, but know how to dress to hide your flaws.

Surely with all of that Mission Impossible money you could afford some more breathable shirts?

Meow

This was sent to me by a friend yesterday who accurately said, "There's a lot going on here." (And who you can kind of make out taking the picture!)

Broadcasting that you are both a Yankee and a football fan is like having a "26.2" and a "13.1" sticker on the back of your car. I can tell immediately that I do not want to be your friend.

Oh you run half and full marathons? Well I'm driving to Chik Fil-A just to get lemonade, but they don't make a sticker for that. Too bad you will have to go this whole leg of Market Street behind me without knowing more about my personal life.

Oh, and the 4 cats? Why would anyone flash this around on their car? Don't they know that it is not socially acceptable to be a "cat person"? I would rather have a sticker on the back of my car that says "I'm a functioning alcoholic" or "I just don't have that many friends". I would be more comfortable with people knowing that.

Keep it in your pants Giants fan. No one needs to know about your kitties!

Dash Baby #2

In rip my hair out Kardashian news - Kourtney is pregnant with her second child.

First of all, if I was Bruce Jenner I would kidnap my 2 biological daughters and move to Switzerland to save them from the fate of the Kardashian _____? Empire? I feel like that gives them too much credit...but nonetheless an empire it has become.

How does one keep up with the non-normal news of sooo many children.

Rob on Dancing With the Stars. Khloe pimping her unisex fragrance (really...unisex fragrance...really??) Kim being married for so little time I want to slap her for sullying the good name of marriage. And Kourtney getting oil enemas up her butt and procreating yet again with her gel-haired boyfriend who she seemingly hates??

It makes the small things in my family's "big news" seem like child's play compared to these dark-haired fame whores.

Obviously it's not my business and I shouldn't care because, as I keep needing to remind myself, I don't even know these people. But it makes me angry that Kim would flaunt her million dollar marriage in everyone's face and then call it off 72 days later. Some girls never find that certain special someone to trick into marrying them. And then Kourtney goes on her own show to demonstrate to the world that she loathes her baby daddy, then announces to the press a week later that they are expecting another child. This when some people who actually love their husbands can't get knocked up at all.

My point: If you are going to shamelessly flaunt your successes to the entire world on national TV, at least pretend to be happy about it.

Quit being so hypocritical ya spoiled brats!

Hot to Trot

This is hella random, but I feel like this is something I need to share to the world...and my 60 readers.

Hardee's is amazing.

I went to a Hardee's for the first time this past Sunday. You know, just to give one last kick in the pants to my jeans button after copious Thanksgiving feasting. I left feeling utterly satisfied with service and quality. And just a little bit fatter than before.

First of all, our food took about ten minutes to be delivered to our table. A 10 minute wait might not be what you want when you are choosing fast food, but I personally take great comfort in knowing that my food is being prepared fresh and not just dumped in a fry basket.

Second of all, they had this on the menu: http://www.hardees.com/menu/chicken-other/hand-breaded-buffalo-chicken-sandwich

Oh my stars. This was just what I wanted. Rarely do I find a buffalo chicken sandwich in which I have to make zero alterations. Usually I have to at least sub blue cheese for ranch and add onions.

Not so with this guy. This sandwich automatically came with everything my heart desired. T'was glorious.

I have to admit I've had a few buffalo chicken sandwiches that are better than this, but not many. And I can assure you that says a lot because I rarely see a buffalo chicken sandwich on a menu without ordering it sans hesitation...which could explain a lot about my thighs.

I definitely don't want to make a habit out of this fast food delight, but if you're in a pickle/hungover and you need something covered in buffalo sauce and made with a great attitude, look no further.

Now excuse me while I clean up my drool off of my keyboard and go buy stock in Frank's Red Hot Sauce. I don't know who Frank is personally, but he has made my life infinitely better with his peppery sauce. I <3 you Frank!

Merry Merry Very Fat

It's the most wonderful time of the year!! Oooh how I love the holidays!

It's a little strange this year, what with it being 75 degrees yesterday and all. But that didn't stop me from buying my first ever REAL Christmas tree in my first ever home. There she is pictured above. Ain't she a beaut?! Obviously I'm in need of a better tree topper, so if you want to buy me an Angel or a beautiful Star I'm currently accepted such things. Santa's hat kind of looks like a limp bizkit as a tree topper.

How was everyone's Thanksgiving? I ate way too much, as usual, and felt like a fat bag of poo when I got home Sunday. My mother in law is a great cook and she always makes so much food. Think Paula Dean who somehow has the will power to not eat her own creations and never gains weight. Her 4 boys, being the non-food-hysterical women that they are, can overlook the cookies in the jar and the leftover stuffing in the fridge, because they are just used to it. I, on the other hand, spent the 3 days I was at their house sneaking Hamburger Sliders as snacks (!!!!!!) and asked about the leftover mashed potatoes so many times that I had to be asked to stop talking.

It didn't help that, as I alluded to in my last post, I wrongly thought I had lost weight recently. It turned out the my scale wasn't zeroed and I'd actually gained a few pounds. Perhaps my floor is just sinking from the Birthday poo explosion?

It's funny how the way one feels about him/herself is so psychological. I was walking around the last few weeks like I was some hot piece of ass, all confident and slim and whatnot. Then, just by realizing I was a few pounds heavier than I thought, with no other factors changing, I immediately start schlepping around like the Hunchback of Notre-Dame, feeling all fat and stumpy.

Oh well, time to start fresh this week! In preparation for a full month of feasting in December. DAMMIT! Oh wait...I love the holidays, I forgot...Such an emotional time for crazy people.

Ice Cream Sundays - Cheesecake Brownie

How do they do it?!?!

This luscious, luscious flavor of ice cream tastes JUSt like Cheesecake and Brownie mixed together.

Hats off, Ben and Jerry. You really know how to peg down a flavor. And not only did this taste authentic, it tasted like AMAZING!

I had this plain. It was incredible. I had it with a piece of warm Chocolate Chestnut Pie. It was OUT OF THIS WORLD.

If I still wasn't so madly in love with the Strawberry Cheesecake flavor, this one would be my #1 choice. But Strawberry Cheese gave me that hug, and that's kind of hard to top.

Somehow this flavor was even romantic...if that's possible!?? I don't know. Just try it!

Summary:

Flavors Tried - 7

Pounds Gained - This is really sad...I thought I had actually lost about 2 lbs over the last months, but then I realized that my scale just wasn't zeroed and I've actually gained 4 lbs. I l'trally almost cried. And then I realized that's so pathetically hilarious that I craughed (simultaneous laughing and crying). Oh well, only 40 more flavors to try then I'll start that diet ;)

Favorite Flavor: Still Strawberry Cheesecake!

Run the World (and the afterlife)

I've wondered my whole life why seemingly unusual situations always happen in my presence. At first I thought I was just exaggerating to myself. But, no, weird, amazing things continued to happen to me. My sister has called me a "chosen person", which I kinda loved. But that still just wasn't explanation enough.

After taking my second Zumba class last week, in which the gay attendees were basically just multiplying at the door before the class started, it finally dawned on me. These aren't just weird incidences that happen in my life. I am in my version of heaven!

This is my afterlife...And I must have been super awesome in my past life to deserve this. Because there is just no way my life can be this random.

This notion was proved throughout the next hour when one of the gays Zumba-ed so hard that I felt the ground shake beneath him. And when someone requested "Run the World (Girls)" by Beyonce and I got to do the actual choreography from her music video with the 0% coordination that I was blessed with. If that isn't heaven on Earth I don't know what is.

And just try to dance or sing to that song and not feel like the most powerful woman on Earth. Listen to it here. I dare you.

Next time I end up with a coworker who brags about his Japanese bathtub, a random encounter with a stranger that is just NOT normal, or accidentally wear shoes without knowing that they actually look like jazz boots, I don't have to wonder anymore! Life isn't weird. It's the afterlife that's really crazy!

Crazy awesome.

Ice Cream Sundays - Bonnaroo Buzz

This flavor was surprising. Not just because it was so rich. Mainly because I thought it said Bananaroo at first glance and I was expecting a light banana flavor.

Not so. This flavor is rich with the flavors of Coffee and Malt Ice Cream, as well as Whiskey swirls. I am a huge Coffee Ice Cream lover, so to say this was a little strong for me says a lot. I enjoyed it, but wouldn't buy it again.

Next time I want bananas in my bananaroo ice cream! :) Jk, I'm just stupid for thinking that. But it's like packing for the beach and going to the Arctic, it's unexpected and unpleasant.

Summary:

Flavors Tried - 6

Pounds Gained - 0

Favorite Flavor - Strawberry Cheesecake

Cleaning wonder

If you ever clean - by choice or by profession...or because you only work 3 days a week and have no excuse not to :( - get this: Electrolux Ergorapido

This little bagless, cordless wonder is like sex on a stick.

It pivots like a dream and makes those "hard to reach" spots a total non-issue.

And the best part?! You just have to make sure it's charged up before you use it and then you have no pesky cords to mess up your vacuuming rhythm. Don't you just hate it when that happens?

If you are a mom or a friend of a new homeowner or renter, this would be a great Christmas present. Just do not, I repeat DO NOT, give this to your wife or girlfriend as a present. As a recent recipient of a baking sheet gift, I know the ill feeling you get when someone gives you a gift that screams, "Merry Christmas...Now cook me something."

My mom gave me this one and I love it. Just a little tip from my dirty floors to yours!

Cherish

I ordered something online yesterday and received the following email last night (I've highlighted the really terrifying parts in red for easy reading):


Michael Kors Outlet
------------------------------------------------------
Order Number: 19825
Detailed Invoice:
http://www.outletmichaelkors.com/index.php?main_page=account_history_info&order_id=19825
Date Ordered: Wednesday 16 November, 2011

The comments for your order are

Dear Customer,
Thank you ordering from our store,your order is success,You have consumed
XX.00 USD on http://www.outletmichaelkors.com/.
Order details:
Merchant Order No. :111711
Order No. : 19825
Payment Date&Time : 11/17/2011 01:51
Amount : XX.00 USD

We will arrangements for delivery it as soon as possible.
Yours Sincerely
cherish


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I will continue to be terrified that my identity is stolen until I receive said package in the mail. Oh Cherish...Why you gotta scare the shit out of me like that?

In more awesome news, I finished most of my Christmas shopping last night and I got it all for $40!!!

Sweet Treats

Grant signed up for a Bake Sale this week. And some how I ended up thinking of the recipe, buying the ingredients, and making the treats...How did that happen??

But that's ok, because I thought of a cute, easy idea!

All you need is these 4 ingredients.

1. Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough (premade)

2. Sugar Cookie Dough (premade)

3. Rainbow Chip Icing

4. Cream Cheese Icing

The rest is pretty self explanatory.

Bake the cookies.

Make the cookies into little sandwiches with icing in between. I put the Rainbow Chip in between the sugar cookies.

And the Cream Cheese Icing between the chocolate chip cookies.

Somehow the cookies really deflated in the cooking process, which made my cookie sandwiches look a little lackluster. But they were still delicious. I would know because I ate one and then subsequently wanted to vom. I do not handle sweets well. Mexican Chicken Casserole on the other hand, I can take down!

I bagged each sandwich individually with Saran Wrap and a little ribbon.

Easy, peasy, cheapy! I hope it makes some good money for that good cause that my husband couldn't remember the name of!