Honkeytonk Ridonkadonk

Did you catch the CMA’s last night? If you know anything about me, you know I love a good awards show. And this year’s Country Music Awards didn’t disappoint…but most because it did disappoint and it was so entertainingly awkward that I loved it.

I was Blackberry Messaging my ass off with my sister during the whole things and these are just a few of our observations:

- Brad and Carrie: Overscripted, overacted, but totally expected. And I would kill for her legs.

- Taylor Swift – Thanks for making me feel not so average by wearing a totally unremarkable merino crew neck sweater from J.Crew. Or Gap. Or any store where most girls shop. Maybe you were trying to keep it real, but how am I supposed to know which celebrities to covet if I don’t know that your outfit cost more than my annual salary. Also, that song was terrible. And your set looked identical to my studio apartment in DC. That is not an impressive thing.

- Rascal Flatts and Natasha Beddingfield. I love that song. But I do not love middle aged white men in sparkly graphic t’s. And Natasha, good try on the dramatic performance, but this was the CMAs. Not the mother freakin Tonys bitch. Oh and you’re skirt made you look like Ursula from the Little Mermaid. But instead of Flotsom and Jetsom as your kickass sidekicks, you just had some nasally jabrone with frosted tips singing in an octave that no man should ever attempt.

- Luke Bryan, I have no idea who you are. But it's quite clear that in a production of West Side Story, you would undoubtedly be a Jet.

- Now to the good stuff – Hootie and the Blowfish Lionel Richie. Although Lionel Richie makes about as much sense on the CMAs as Miss Piggy…oh wait, she was there too…his voice is golden and that’s all I care about. And Hootie/Darius Rucker – It’s true what they say. BLACK DON’T CRACK. That cowboy hat-wearin brotha doesn’t look a day older than he did when he first started singing to let dem bitches CRYYYYY, let the tears fall down her face.

- But seriously, was Lionel headlining this thing? He was in way more performances than any of the actual country singers. This is strange, no?

I really liked how they closed the show by putting Carrie Underwood in a hideous green curtain from the 70s, and Reba McIntyre wearing the green felt from the bottom of a Christmas tree.

Way to keep me on the edge of my seat until next year.

I Heart Award Shows!