I fell

2 nights ago I went to a restaurant with my mom and I slipped on my way to the bathroom. I subsequently fell on my ass and got dirty mop water on my hands and shorts. That’s when I heard, “Woooah, Are you ok?” An employee who was mopping up the floor (and who looked like Milky from Me, Myself, and Irene) said, “I was, like, JUST about to put the Wet Floor Sign on the ground.”

Too bad for me it hadn’t just already done it.

It hurt my right buttcheek and my pride, but mostly it reminded me of an even worse fall that happened when I was in college. I was at Outback Steakhouse on a date (a classy date, clearly). I went to the bathroom and as I was coming out, I slipped on something and slid across the floor of the bar area until I was almost right underneath a bar stool that someone was sitting on.

It hurt SOOOO bad but was even more embarrassing than painful. I eventually got up, fought back tears, and hobbled back to my table. I had decided I was going to play it cool and not tell my date that I just busted my ass in front of an entire chain restaurant, so I just sat there and resumed eating my Bloomin’ Onion.

All was going well until the manager of the Outback came up to me and asked me if I was alright. Then, not only did I have to explain to my date that I had fallen, badly, I also had to tell the manager the make and model of my flip flops, if I was injured, and whether or not I was going to sue.

Of course I did not want to sue. I really just wanted to stop talking about my epic fall at the local Outback and move on with my life. That was made slightly difficult by the subsequent letters I received from Outback’s lawyers and insurance companies over the next few months, but eventually I got past it.

Chick Beer!

Oh my, my, my.

This is too much. Chick beer. http://chickbeer.com/

I love the catch tag, "Finally, a beer just for women."

Because Michelob Ultra, MGD 64, and But Select 55, and Mike's Hard Lemonade aren't enough?

"The bottle is designed to reflect the beautiful shape of a woman in a little black dress. The six-pack looks like you are carrying your beer in a hip stylish, purse. Chick’s unique reflective bottle blings you up! It’s fun, fabulous, and female!"

This is amazing because it implies that it is normal, nay stylish, to carry beer around in your purse. I'm pretty sure that's the sign of a good time a serious alcohol problem.

Kind of cute idea either way. The little black beer dress is timeless.

No Power = No Blog

Sorry for the radio silence people. I was without power/Internet access until last night. Thanks to this little tree stump...

Which was connected to this not so little tree....which karate chopped our power line and took our power for 3 days.

FYI, playing dominoes outside by the light of a faux lantern is not as fun as it looks. When there are no lights in the nearby vacinity and you have the only light a bug can see, you and your flesh are going to be pretty popular.

Huggy Bear

Oh Mariah? What have you gotten yourself into?

http://www.rap-up.com/2011/08/20/nick-cannon-attempts-to-break-world-hugging-record/

Your much younger husband not only attempted to break the world record for the most hugs given, he failed. By 52 hugs. I'd rather fail by 200. 52 is just annoying.

“He embraced everyone from kids and adults to men in drag and pets.”

At least it was for a good cause. For every hug he gave, a toy was donated to the Mets Care Room at the New York Hospital of Queens. Now that is awesome.

I guess when you are married to the primo diva in the pop world, you have to get attention in whatever outlandish way you can think of.

0 MPH

Screw hybrid and electric.

Walking with a helmet is the new "green."

I saw this biker chick in line at Costco. She was standing in line on foot while her husband waited behind her on the hog.

Maybe she just needed a stretch. But either way, it's always funny to see someone standing in line at a gas pump with no vehicle to speak of.

Diveats - Pesto, Caprese Crostinis

This combination is kind of my go-to summer appetizer...that I've only made twice.

First I buy that stuff above (tomatoes, pesto, and mozzarella). Then I cut up a french baguette into slices and brush with some olive oil. Bake the slices at 350 degrees for about 10 minutes, or until the bread slices get a little golden brown.

After the bread is a little toasted, spread each slice with a some pesto. Not a ton, just a lil' spread worth. Then top with a tomato slice and a slice of mozzarella cheese.

Be careful. Hot plate! Hot plate!

Pop back the baking sheet back in the oven for about 5-10 minutes, until the cheese is melty but not oozing. Don't forget, you are going to be serving this in your house and you don't want cheese drops and tomato splooges all over the floor.



Last step: Put on a purdy platter and serve!

A wonderful summer treat for wonderful summer cocktail guests!

I feel the Earth move, under my feet

Did anyone else feel that earthquake today?!?!

I did and it was SCARY!


I was sitting at my desk at work, where I sit alone at the front of the office. Suddenly the whole entire building started shaking, for about 10-15 seconds.


I was like, "WHAT THE HELLLLLLLLL IS HAPPENING!?"


But I was by myself so I no one answered. Luckily it ended right before I jumped under my desk. I don't even know if that is what you're supposed to do in that situation, but I thought some sort of action was needed.


Big ups to all my other earthquake shockwave survivors out there! My thoughts go out to those who had to endure the real thing!

My Own Lil' Honey Badgers

Besides the Honey Badger, you know who else doesn't give a f^ck?

The deer by my parents beach house. They run rampant.


And they aren't the timid type of deer that run away when they see you driving up or walking by. They are the type that are like, "Excuuuuuuse me. Why are you messing with me while I'm eating your plants and your vegetable garden....How Rude!"

They typically travel in a pack of 9-ish, and they are not scared to run right in front of your car, so if you come visit me this summer, drive slow!

Diveats - At Home Japanese Steakhouse

For a weekend treat this past Friday night, I decided to take a pretend trip to my local Japanese Steakhouse...in my own parents' house!

First I started with some delicious ginger dressing salads, using the vegetables below and Naturally Fresh Ginger dressing. All atop some Iceberg Lettuce, because even though it has no nutritional value, at least it doesn't taste like leaves.

Then I diced up some vegetables. I diced 'em up reeeeal nice. Mushrooms, zucchini, and onions.

Of course, you can't forget the traditional Japanese Ménage à trois of meats. Chicken, shrimp, and steak. Because if it has protein, it's good for you, right?

I added some fried rice to the mix and the soon the whole gang was heating away on the stove.

I made the rice "fried" by cooking some rice regular-style earlier in the evening and letting it cool a little. Later I scrambled an egg in a pan until just lightly scrambled. I then removed the egg from the pan, heated up some oil in the same pan, and added the previously cooked rice until warmed through. Next I added a sliced green onion and the scrambled egg and served hot!

Once everything was ready, it was serve yourself. Because daddy didn't buy me a pony or a Japanese hibachi grill this year for Christmas, so I couldn't slide it across the table onto people's plates or throw shrimp tails from my extra-tall chef's hat.

I even made my own Yum Yum Shrimp sauce using this recipe. I thought it tasted pretty authentic!

For the brown sauce, since I couldn't find the recipe anywhere on the Internet, I used Soy Vay Veri Veri Terriyaki sauce. It did the trick!

The last step, obviously, is to mix everything up and drown it in sauce and enjoy!

Point Taken

"MEAN DOG ROAMS LOOSE IN PROPERTY"

I'm all for being blunt, but come on. That's just passive violent aggressiveness.

Where fun and fantasy fall in the ocean

A funny thing happened on the way to a random creek today.

I was out on the boat with the fam, passing through a crowded area near Wrightsville Beach, when a girl in the boat in front of us lost her hat to some wind gusts.

Luckily we were right behind her to scoop it up with a hook. Any guesses where the hat was from!?

Priscilla's...You know, "Where Fun and Fantasy Meet!"

If I was out on the water and the boat behind me tried to rescue my hat, that I somehow obtained from a sex toy and lingerie shop, I'd duck behind the side of the boat and tell the driver to gun it.

She, however, patiently waited for us to return it to her...with her mom, dad, and little sister on board. Clearly she had no shame. And now she has no sunburn on her face because she got her hat back!

Gone Truckin

I don’t really even know what this is, but I had to share because it’s new and exciting.

It appears to be a mom and her 2 kids road surfing on the top of papa’s Mack-truck. Although I am sure that is not a safe family practice, I think things are going to get a lot more interesting on the road if people start pimping their family car decals to reflect redneck recreational activities and what dear old dad does for a living.

That will make it easier in future episodes of Criminal Minds when they are canvassing neighborhoods to find the serial truck stop racist in town…because he will have a picture of himself driving a 16-wheeler on the back of his minivan parked in his driveway.

Too Good to Be Afloat

You know how people say, "If it seems too good to be true, it probably is."

Well in the case of looking at homes, not only is it, but it is probably also sinking in the ground.

I looked at a house on Sunday that I was SURE was going to be "the one". It was listed at a great price, in a great neighborhood, with a huge yard, and plenty of bedrooms.

Well, I should've known not to get my hopes up. But I did. And it backfired.

This house appeared to be my dream home from the front. White brick, one story, black shutters. But upon walking up to the entrance, it became quite clear that this house had more obtuse angles than an 6th grade math test.

Thank goodness, due to living with my parents, I haven't had a Sunday hangover in over a month. Because the changes in incline in that house would have definitely given me the spins. I'm talking about angles that actively engaged the calf muscles. This was no cosmetic quick-fix.

No house for Mamacita this week. Hi, Square One! Nice to see you again! :P

Bowling for Houses

When life hands you lemons a real estate market that makes you feel like this (no matter how much people say it's a "buyers' market):

Head on down to the nearest lanes and go bowling...

With your husband or friend or lover.

And a big striped butt.




And, out of nowhere, kick your opponents ass. TWICE!

It helps. I promise. I still live with my parents and quietly hate those who have already bought nice houses. But at least I know I can win at something.

I think it might be time join a league.

This Ain't No Thinkin' Thing

I am in no way political, so I'm not posting this is a satire of the current Government. I am, however, posting this as a reflection of the dumbasses that made the new logo for the Department of Innovation.

A good explanation of the SNAFU can be found here.

However, if you're not into reading words, let me explain briefly. The 3 interlocking gears in the logo are just that...locked...So they can't move.

That's about as innovative as turning something around 360 degrees. Whoever designed this is clearly not the sharpest interlocking gear in the toolshed.

It is not a good month for the US Government.

Jazz Hands!!

This guy in the billowing jazz pants is the image that greats me every time I open Adobe at my new job.

Something about a geometrically shaped man in jazz pants, doing a half-assed Grand Jete across my screen makes want to work very hard so that I can afford to buy my husband shirts that are in no way similar to dijon mustard in color.

Thank you for inspiring me Mr. Jazz Pants. And WATCH OUT! Don't step on that A!

Tara Does!

After a handful of syke-out engagements, Tara Reid got really married in Greece this past weekend.

Check out the article here.

T-Rein kept it classy with a bare midriff, a very fake looking ring, and what appears to be a gay husband.

I hope this last Tara. You, your messed up nipple, and your likely damaged liver deserve a nice guy to settle down with. Mazel Tov!

Holy Senseless

The only thing worse than excessive bumper sticker litter is bumper sticker litter that makes no sense.

Like this riddle I saw yesterday:

The pictures are a little fuzzy so I will clarify. In order from left to right, those bumper stickers read:

*GET RIGHT OR GET LEFT! JESUS CHRIST

* JESUS <3 YOU

* GET EVEN! Live long enough to become a problem to your kids

One of these things is not like the other.

That last one seems, what's the word?...unholy.

If you are going to force GodSpeak on other innocent drivers via the ass of your car, at least be consistent.

Apparently JESUS <3 YOU...as long as the "you" in this situation isn't this driver's kids.

Hardcore Decal Failure

My mom sent me a picture of this Decal Family. She titled the email "Turtle Family."

Sorry moms, but those are skulls. I bet this family is in cohoots with this racist teen sensation and these awesome parents from New Jersey.

I think the hardcore-ness of the Skulls is 100% negated by the fact that you bought and adhered tiny versions of your family's faces to your mini-van.

Le Petite Home Sweet Home

We actually found one house we LOVED. We even put 2 offers on it. That were both flatly rejected. What fun :(

Apparently the blacker the berry the sweeter the juice the larger the asking price, the smaller the fan. Because this fan:

was in both the kitchen and the "miscellaneous room". That's not trick photography. Those blades really are about a foot long only.

Enjoy your tiny fans you stubborn asshole. I still want that house!

Bachelor NonLessons

The more I think about the Bachelor and Bachelorette shows, the more I think they have got be the most unrealistic portrayal of real life love that is legally allowed by the FCC.

First of all, I love that at the end of their 3 month courtship, they start waxing nostalgic about when they first met…remembering when their brand new fiancé “first got out of that limo…” That is so not real life or a long time to date.

My first meeting with my now-husband is more like, “I remember when we both got drunk at a Fraternity cocktail which we were set up on, I played the tambourine with the all-black band, and we both bonded about being closeted drunk-smokers when we ran into each other (whilst hiding from each other) smoking a cig.” That romantic story has nothing to do with limos, that’s for sure.

Also, the bachelor/bachelorettes only date for 3 months before getting engaged. That is just stupid. I dated my husband for 5 years, have been married for 1 year and some change, and I’m still trying to make sure I like him.

Bachelor series, you are giving today’s impressionable youth and emotional young woman a very skewed version of what love is like in real life. It doesn’t involve limousines, the guy that agree to date you don’t really have 6 packs or agree to drink champagne with you, and, worst of all, Chris Harrison almost never shows up.

Love takes time fools. And real people are usually fatter than people on TV.

Funny Yummy White Trashy

Last night I made this luscious Buffalo-flavored Shrimp salad with all of my favorites - feta cheese, romaine lettuce, tomatoes, red onion, avocado, cucumbers, and light ranch.

When I put it down on the table my husband said, in all seriousness, "Yuuum! That looks like something you would get at TGIFridays!"

Alex, I'll take NOT A COMPLIMENT for $600.

At least it was delicious and healthy. So I didn't have to feel like a short-order cook and a redneck.

Don't Slap It

I got a pedicure last week and noticed the oddest setting on the chair massage remote. FLAP. And also, FLAP & KNEAD.

Now I’m familiar with the traditional Asian-end-of-massage-fist bump- on the back, but I do not think I ever need to be FLAPPED. The sign on the remote is just of a hand. So it’s basically like a bitchslap for the back.

And I did end up trying it. All it does is make you involuntarily shimmy in your chair. Which, if you’re chesty, is not a good thing in front of a crowded salon. I prefer a traditional ­­­­­Rolling button setting. It might make my back/chest rise and fall a foot at a time, but at least it does it slowly so I don't look like a whore jiggling my boobs (ahem, Flap setting).

Don't slap me. And don't flap me.

BTW - Sorry for the poor picture quality, but I assure you that the grainy texture of the picture was worth it to see the mute girl doing my pedicure look at me like I was the craziest person in the world when I tried taking like 15 times.

First Day Jitters Skinnies

Today was my first day at my new job and it was so enjoyable.

I wish everyday was the first day of a new job. You have basically no real responsibilities other than showing up. Everyone is nice to you. You don't know what you hate about your coworkers yet.

And the best part, you're usually too confused or nervous about the lunch situation that you eat light and start a very successful 1 week diet. At least that's how I am. I hate people watching me eat, so today I ate like 1/3 of a salad and might lose a whole pound by tomorrow morning. Being an awkward mess makes you skinny!...for like a day.

I can't wait for day 2 when I can learn more and eat the rest of my salad. Which I left in the refrigerator at work...because I work there...because I have a job :D Oh happy day!

The Search for Home Sweet Home

This was another gem I spotted in a house we saw. A house, I might add, that smelled like a tobacco factory.

This picture totally looks like it might have been taken before a Sadie Hawkins Dance in the 1940s. But I can tell that it is inexplicably a picture from the 80s/90s, because homegirl pictured above has braces and a major perm.

We did not buy this house. And I did not try to steal any clothes from the closets.

The Search for Home Sweet Home

In my search for a home to buy in Wilmington, my husband and I have so far had no luck finding a place to live. We have, however, had a few hilarious sightings in some of the homes we have toured.

Take, for instance, this hot pink tea party.

This was staged on the front porch of a house we saw. They had a similar situation on the back porch, and slow jazz playing inside. Clearly Target was having a Hot Pink Clearance when these people decided to sell their house.

Great house, but you might be trying a little too hard! Also, the faux tea party was a good idea in theory, but this house was so close to one of the busiest streets in Wilmington that you might run the risk of getting shot while sipping your afternoon Earl Grey.

Sub Par

Hey Letdown,

It's me. Thanks for that episode of Jersey Shore last night. I was so excited when I stayed up until 11pm, after waiting 6 months, for absolutely nothing to happen.

I even made my dad watch part of it with me. He was not impressed, even though I assured him that it was not indicative of the usual caliber of entertainment that is Snooki and the gang.

The only time I even giggled in the whole episode was when my dad asked me if Snooki was wearing a hat. And then when I taught him that string cheese actually broke off in strings. Which some how he went almost 6 decades without knowing.

Jersey Shore you better deliver next Thursday! This is not the stuff that dreams and profitable endorsement deals are made of.

Sincerely,

Mamacita

Duggar Spotting?

Ok, I'm pretty sure this car belongs to the Duggars. That's like 80 kids.

Decal Families

Awww, your middle child is addicted to steroids. It's too bad you had to put a sticky figure on your car of your kid lifting weights to find this out. And, I hate to be the one to tell you. But you brought this on yourself.

Jersey Wedding Soup

Oh Happy Day!

The new season of Jersey Shore starts tonight! And I am more excited than ever.

I think it's because I've watched about 10 of the old episodes this week, with commentary! FYI, if you also thought that watching Snooki be Snooki couldn't get any better, you were wrong. Watching Snooki be Snooki while listening to Snooki commentate about herself is infinitely better.

Usually I don't watch things live, or at all really, since summer TV is terrible. But since I'm at my parents' house that has no DVR, I'm staying up as late as I need to to see every last minute of the Jersey Shore gang's foray into Italy.

Fist Pump!

Let me tell you about your family

Because I am so annoyed with the excessive amount of crap people are putting on the back windshields of their cars, particularly the "family" decals that are everywhere, I've decided to fill in the blanks about these families.

That's right, I'm taking the incomplete information they are giving me in the form of glorified stick figures, and I'm giving them back made up personalities for all these stick-on jabronis.

Take, for instance, the picture above.

The dad is wearing a tie with shorts and a short-sleeve collared shirt. The only thing I am more sure about than this being a fashion faux pas, is that this man also wears Hawaiian shirts on the weekend.

The eldest daughter is wearing a tutu, but she might want to put her ballet dreams on hold...because she only has one leg.

Oh and your baby looks like Bam Bam.

Sporty Spice

You know how I know I need to start my job immediately? Tonight I was so bored I pulled a Sporty Spice and asked my husband to go to the driving range with me.

To be clear, this is about as common as him asking me to go get tandem pedicures together (i.e., has never happened).

I only asked him because if I didn't have an activity to look forward to I was likely going to jump into the waterway with a heavy rhinestone studded oversized purse attached to my leg.

It turned out not to be that bad after all. I even hit about 15 balls before I gave up and went to eat Mexican food. I think I might add this evening activity into my bi-annual repitoire!

All over the place

Thanks for all of the well-wishes for my new job at the bakery today. It was, in a word...nonexistent.

I actually got offered a better job a couple of days ago and decided to take that one instead. So my dreams of breakfast pastries and minimum wage will have to wait.

I told my sister today about my new job and lamented how I was going to have to tell everyone I bragged to about my bakery job that I'm going back to being a corporate stooge. She is also having some reflections on life and jobs, etc. and put it pretty hilariously when she said, "Oh my gosh. I bet mom and dad are equal parts proud and terrified for us."

I laughed so hard I craughed. I can't think of a better way to say it.

I went from having no jobs, to one jobs, to 2 jobs. And she is simultaneously loving and hating every part of her life now too. So we are pretty stable children to say the least.

Oh well, at least we both have jobs. And, if she ever leaves hers, I have an extra!

Peek-a-Boo

I saw this infomercial on TV and had a nice little chuckle. Seriously, what will they think of next?!

Introducing the Peek-A-Blouse...you know...because wearing a real shirt is hard.

For the bargain price of $10, you can get 4 of these quarter-shirts, plus a surprise gift. I'm tempted to order this just so I can see what the surprise gift is. Maybe just the top part of a sock, so people will know you are sophisticated enough to wear socks, without you having to actually go through the hassle of putting the whole cumbersome thing on your foot.

On an serious even more ridiculous note, can you even imagine a guy's reaction if you were to go back to his place, seductively take off your uber-sexy cardigan, only to reveal what is essentially a bib with buttons on it.

I'm afraid that, even after all of Justin Timberlake's hard work, you would end up setting sexy back about 4 decades.

Hop Hop

My sister sent me this, which she spotted in Londontown. Blackberry Bunny Ears.

AMAZING

Dumbass, Party of One

I recently read this article about a man who was released last year from prison, after almost 19 years, for a murder he did not commit.

The man's name is Frank Sterling. And last week, he was accused of sexually abusing an 11 year old boy.

Yes, that is disturbing and sad. Yes, I'm sure Mr. Sterling has some deep emotional issues he is dealing with after almost 2 decades of being unjustly incarcerated. But more than anything, that is f*^#ing stupid.

Why in the world would you risk going back to prison after you just got a new lease on life after being locked up for 20 years? Maybe ol' Frank just really loves prison food or the warm hug of a jail cell.

Either way, Franky's an idiot. It's one thing to relapse after a stint in rehab for using one particular drug of choice. But it's quite another to spend 19 years in the clink as an innocent man, and then put yourself at risk for going back for an altogether unrelated crime.

I don't know what Frank Sterling did in prison for 19 years, but it obviously was not cultivating his good sense.