Unnecessary Roughness

It's 11pm on Sunday night.

Some beotch on the local news just said, "I hope you are enjoying the last hour of your weekend."

That's effed up lady.

That's a dramatic and unneeded reminder that the weekend is O-V-E-R.

Not cool. Not cool at all.

Steady as she goes

This guy is doing stucco work on my parents' house as we speak...standing on a bucket...that's resting on a work bench. Surely there's a safer way!?

The other guy who fixed the wall beneath the stucco earlier this week did some acrobatics of his own which I unfortunately didn't capture on film. He was standing on the railing of the balcony, holding a 30 foot piece of wood, with a cigarette dangling from his mouth.

I can't imagine how bad you could possibly want a cigarette at the point where you are willing to smoke one on what is essentially a balance beam 2 stories high . But instead of a padded mat below you, it's slate steps and concrete.


Oh, and of course no hard hats were worn. Safety is overrated!

Just Watch This

http://gawker.com/5824338/the-best-four-minutes-of-mariah-careys-insane-hsn-appearance

Slubby Cardi

Why in the world would Banana Republic name their sweater a "Slubby Cardi"? That is terrible marketing.

At least the genius behind the Boyfriend Jean and Boyfriend Sweater had the good sense to disguise their product with a cute name, instead of calling it the ill-fitting, unflattering baggy jean, or the add-10 pounds-to-your-frame sweater.

Come on Banana. Use a thesaurus next time.

SmartWater

WARNING: This post is inspired by a recent episode of Real World/Road Rules Rivals on MTV. It may cause harm to your mental health.

I do not understand adults saying they can't swim. I totally understand that swimming is hard for some people. I was 12 before I learned how to dive, and I got a Most Improved Swimmer award when I was 13 just because I finally learned how to breath every third stroke when doing the freestyle...which they starting teaching me when I was 4. (I also didn't get braces until I was 16, but that's a whole different traumatizing story.)

But when you are 30-something years old, can't you just kind of intuitively figure it out, at least from TV or YouTube.com tutorials??

Maybe I'm being too hard, but since I'm not 12, with a swallowing twitch, and scared of a shark-free pool, I honestly think I could figure out how to swim just from watching TV. Those who can't confound me.

Hair Drama

Anyone who knows me knows that I like to redo my fabulously fancy and flattering average blah ponytail at least 15 times before settling on a 'do.

Today my hairday was so finicky that I had to blow through 4 used rubberbands and finally go to a new-old pack to find the perfect elasticity. That's when I made the overdue discovery that Scuni has been taking itself way too seriously ever since I bought this pack of rubberbands back in 2000. And for you layman/bald people, that is pronounced Scrunchi. I think it's a German thing.

Dream. Imagine. Create.

Really Scuni? You're a rubberband. As far as I can tell you are just a circle that makes my greasy hair look less greasy for a little bit longer.

Here's a new slogan idea: Scuni: An elastic circle for yout hair.

Less is more when you are a circle...unless you are the sun?

Legless Terrible

Sad. These little doo doo balls don't even have legs.

Maybe they are related to Head Detective from In Living Color?!

Either way, still terrible. I miss empty windshields.

Indochine Restaurant - Lusciousness Abounds, So Does my Stomach

Last night, to celebrate her 31st wedding anniversary, my husband and I let me mom treat us to a Thai dinner at this amazing place called Indochine. And we feasted!

Check out the menu on the link here.

We started with a delicious appetizer sampler, filled with several things I can't pronounce and 5 delicious dipping sauces, pictured below. Yum + Variety = What more could you want?!

And next, because no one would believe me that we should share entrees, we ordered enough food to find 12 people...for the 3 of us. We will be having leftover Thai for lunch and sensible snacks for the rest of the week. The doggy bag alone probably weighed 10 pounds.

Even though I'm a total newbie to Wilmington, I am going to go ahead and say I know enough to recommend this place to anyone. The inside of the restaurant is great, very Thai/Vietnamese inspired. But the back of the restaurant is awesome sauce. You can get your own personal little Tiki huts to eat in. I've been told this is most luscious during the Spring or Fall when you won't be dripping sweat into your Moo Goo Gai Pan.

Try this place! It was truly amazing service, excellent food, and good company. Just trust me when I say that sharing an entree is still more than enough food for two people. Despite how un-fun that may sound to begin with, I promise you'll be able to breath much better if you share.

Dream Weaver

Last night I had the distinct pleasure and surprise of looking at my mom's calendar and seeing that she was due for her hair weave on August 16 at 11:30am.

You can imagine my surprise to learn that my white mother's short hair is actually a faux head of hair typically intended for black girls.

But then she explained to be that they are going to "weave" the color into her hair, hence the name "hair weave" in her schedule.

I then had the pleasure of explaining to her what a true weave was - you know, fake hair made of plastic. I guess both the hair color process and the fake strands can be considered a weave, but I told that her that in case she died an untimely death and someone got a hold of her calendar, it'd be better to be remembered for having a fake hair color than having plastic hair. She promptly changed her schedule to say Hair Color.

You learn something new everyday!

H20 or Death

I am happy to say that I just finished my last water aerobics class with The Drill Sargent. I think her real name is Lisa but that is way too dainty of a name for this woman.

Her claims to fame include being able to wear XL Boys' board shorts and being a former stage manager. I mean, my God, she was a stage manager. She talked about how being a stage manager has affected her personality like a 4-star Military General might talk about why he likes strict order. The only difference is that on the one hand, you're leading our country's bravest and strongest into battle. And on the other, you are a thespian groupie wearing a headset, most likely because you didn't get an actual part in the stage production.

She also talked about her "trainers", both Brazilian and Japanese, as if she was a prize-winning cage fighter...not a water aerobics instructor at a Yacht Club in North Carolina.

Oh and in case you didn't know, the United States is decades behind Europe in the scientific developments of brain surgery water aerobics. Shame on you America. No, literally. She wants you to feel ashamed. That's kind of her thing.

Toilet Bubbly

Will wonders never cease?

According to this article, Mariah Carey had a long-awaited GNO (girls night out) after giving birth to twins in April.

And like most GNO's, Mariah started the night off with a $1600 bottle of champagne...on the toilet.

That's right, she ordered the waiter to deliver her bottle of champagne to the ladies bathroom. Because that's not sketchy at all.

Although Mariah is still ridiculous as ever, I have to say homegirl is looking GOOD after having twins. I'd say she's damn-near pre-pregnancy/pre-hormone treatment, and that is a major feat after having twins just 3 months ago. Kudos Mimi!

Good News/Bad News

The good news is that I got a job, starting a week from today. I'll be working at a bakery! Which, believe it or not, is what I wanted to do...more on that later.

The bad news is that I will no longer be able to regale you with titillating tales of water aerobics.

I would love to know what the other ladies in the pool think about my prolonged presence in the class. I've seen other young people do it, but that is usually just for about a week when they are in town on vacation. I've been making cameos for a whole month now.

I am sure they are thinking, "Ok kid, quit freeloading on the Yacht Club membership, do something with your life, and quit trespassing on my circle in the pool."

Well ladies, the end is nigh. Thursday will be my grand finale in water aerobics, because my mom is leaving that day and I refuse to go to a 50+ year old class without a blood-related chaperone.

Next week I will be cracking eggs and taking names. And, God willing, purchasing a pair of chef pants.

Ice Cream is Important

Thank you Google Alerts for finally giving me back what I lost the one day of High School that I forgot to watch TRL - The Mariah Carey Ice Cream Truck/Stripper Meltdown.

10 years ago last week, Mariah sauntered onto the TRL stage to an unsuspecting Carson Daly, finally available in this video.

While Mariah waxes poetic by saying, "Sometimes, if you don't have ice cream in your life, you just might go a little crazy," I think Carson says it best when he whispers into the mike, "Mariah Carey has lost her mind everybody!"

And for the love of God Mariah, yes we like your damn shirt!

Caress Me Down

I've flown kind of a lot recently and heard a lot of bitching about the whole pat down, pseudo -molestation thing with airport security.

Well I'm here to tell TSA that you ain't hurtin' me.

Hell, I like the pat. I'll take any free massage I can get. Even if it is a cheap 10 second rub-down from a stranger.

I think I do have heightened senses when it comes to back rubs, but I also LOVE free stuff. So this is just a win-win for me.

Try again Government regulations. Mamacita prefers the TLC from a blue-shirt. Just don't give me the see-through-clothes-machine please! There are some areas that not all the situps in the world can mask...even in a computer generated 3D simulation.

Mamacita Foundation for Lusciousness

Last night my husband gave me the good news that if he dies, his life insurance policy goes to me.

We got to talking and I decided that if I ever die an untimely death, I want all my money to go to a scholarship for the less fortunate. It will go towards their education manicures and pedicures.

It will be called the Mamacita Foundation for Lusciousness.

Now accepting applications for grants. Acrylic tips need not apply.

Wipe

I'm going to chalk this up as the world's worst free sample.

Paper Towels.

This was at Costco yesterday and they were literally just offering you the chance to spray a water bottle and then wipe of the water with a Viva paper towel.

Thanks, but no thanks. I'll go sample the sausage balls in aisle 2.

PSA: Do not go to Costco on a Tuesday at 5pm if you want to fill up on freebies. That was the only time I've ever been to Costco in which I didn't have at least a few tapas worth of food.

She works hard for the bunion bunny

Today I got a pedicure with my mom at a lovely American-owned shop named Nail City.

The picture above was the scene we walked in to. It was pretty clear as she bounced between one old lady's manicure and one young lady's pedicure...underneath the table...that this was going to be a rushed situation.

Luckily the token-male Vietnamese nail tech showed up from lunch just in time to allow us all our own technician, however. So all lusciousness was not lost.

During the pedicures I also got to thinking how awesome it is that at every one of those walk-in nail salons there is always a matriarch. Which is usually a sassy Vietnamese lady who bosses everyone else around in what sounds like only consonants, while tossing on and off her denim wedges sandals and answering the phone.

The lady pictured above, under the table, was said matriarch. And, as expected, she kicked those wedged heels right off!

I also love how they suddenly ask you if you "no want eyebrow wax?" and "no want paraffin treatment on nails?", like it is going to suddenly dawn on you that your brows are bushy and that you are a hideous beast. That's not just bad sales, that's damn insulting.

World's Worst Mother

Well, this isn't nice. Article to this article, a mother in Australia tried to sell her 2 kids on eBay to the highest bidder.

I'm going to say this hurts worse than selling your children into child slavery, but at least that's kind of an established system. This is just one mother going rogue on the Internet. Very rookie move.

After some investigation, the mother said that it was all a joke. But I'll be damned if those kids aren't in for a lifetime of Mommy issues now that the whole world knows that A) their mother doesn't want them and B) they didn't get any high bids.

That is a way uncool joke as a mom and a human. Maybe she forgot to read that chapter in Parenting 101 that says, "Don't put the carseat facing forward, and Don't sell your kids on the Internet."

Sweet Mariah of Mine

Well this is just sweet!

http://articles.timesofindia.indiatimes.com/2011-07-14/news-and-interviews/29772758_1_mariah-carey-nick-cannon-moroccan-and-monroe

'Mariah Carey, who gave birth to twins in April, is ''done'' with having kids, and has threatened to 'kill' husband Nick Cannon if he makes her give birth again.'

That's the right idea Mariah. Because being a single mom, incarcerated, with twins after killing your husband is better than enduring the miracle of birth one more time.

The beauty of Mariah is that she's not just classy, she's also rational.

Who wants a back scratch??

Ick. My sister sent this link to me this morning.

http://edition.cnn.com/video/#/video/showbiz/2011/07/17/nr.26.inch.nails.lady.cnn?&hpt=hp_c2

I do not know how this is even a real story, and it's quite disgusting, but it's understandable that CNN would give a 4:00+ minute slot to this woman because it's not like there are debt crises, civil wars, or natural disasters all over the globe....

Oh wait...

My favorite highlights of the segment are 1) The fact that she has the word "Pork Chop" written on one of her nails, and 2) The fact that she uses a "utensil" to wash her hair. Only she actually pronounces it like UTAANSUUL, around the 3:20 mark.

I'm going to go get a manicure to try to erase the dirtiness that I now feel underneath my nails.

Random Words

I saw this car yesterday when I was carbo-loading at Brixx Pizza.

What the hell does this even mean? Isn't that like if I put a decal on my car that said "Local Governor" or some such general name of a politician's position?

Maybe someone just lost a dare. Or has a terrible memory and has to remind himself of his job title really often.

London Town! (Read from the bottom up, as blogger is ghetto and not at all British)

Please read this in reverse order, as Blogger is not my friend and I can't figure out how to make them in the right order....So scoot on down...way down!

And that's all she wrote...I hope you enjoyed your divalicious trip across the pond! Happy Friday and Happy travels.

This trip was easy and wonderful. Aside from the kicky Indian kid that sat next to me and karate chopped my seat and tray table for 8 hours. I finally reached my limit after 7 hours and told him to stop. It didn't work.

My cousin had permanent disco balls installed. I couldn't make that up if I tried. Even with a British accent.

Everybody Dance Now!

This was more babysitting. (Out of order b/c computers are stupid). The only rule of our babysitting club was that if you stop dancing you have to go to sleep. L'trally. We are so strict!

And my sister got jealous and got them too. We think our parents will be really proud.

They made me get hair extensions as part of my contract.

Then I got discovered by a modeling agency...For obvious reasons.

Yay I love flowers and giant beers!

This was just weird.

So we rode those bitches for 2 Pounds a go-round. Best over-priced money I've ever spent.

And the sassy rejected step sister JANET!!!!!!!!!!

Prince William

We also met the royal family. Princess Catherine.

This was just the pinnacle of my life. NBD. Screw Jared, my sister and I are without question the #1 Subway fans in the Universe. If there was a way to test it I swear I'd prove it.


My cousin lives in England and we babysat her kids one night. First of all, British kid accents are sooo much cuter than American. If they were ever being annoying, I had no idea because their accents are so sophisticated. My sister is also a bedazzled bag lady sophisticated.

Chit Chattin in a real British phone booth...that smelled like donkeys.

Mmmmm...lunchtime....Oh, and that's Big Ben.

The world's smallest one-ass-cheek Subway seat.

2nd Row baby!

Oh this was just amazing. We went to see Jersey Boys and ordered a glass of Rose each before the show. The bartender then informed us that we could buy the rest of the bottle and it would be waiting for us as the Interval (aka intermission). It's basically like a coat check for theater-going alcoholics.

If you are what you eat, then apparently British kids eat lumpy scoliosis.

This just seemed fancy.

My pseudo-narcoleptic sister seemed really jealous when she realized she hadn't ever thought to try this sleeping position.

Which involved a full fledged parade, band, horses, and more. Oops, our bad.

We thought that one man standing in front of the palace was the actual changing of the guards. Thank goodness we stayed around looking at mullets and scrunciis for 30 minutes because we ended up seeing the actual changing of the guards...

Apparently this is what the apocalypse looks like. Meet the apocalypse salad.

Looking for the changing of the guard and I found this sparkly scrunii. Win-Win!

I went to visit my sister in London last week and here are some of my diva related/note-worthy finds. Please enjoy your vicarious trip through London above! Cheerio!