Water Cuteness

How positively fabulous is this water ride. This is my cousin's precious lil' diva and she rocks a very sweet ride when she's chillin in the pool.

Disney Princesses 4 Eva!

Yum yum eat 'em up

This is all the loot that I sent to my major Giveaway winner this morning.

Double fudge brownies, butterscotch bars, and banana chocolate chip mini bread loaves. And a note personality autographed by Mamacita. ;)

This will hopefully be a good lesson to keep reading DivaSaysWhat.com and spreading the word so you possibly the winner of future luscious giveaways!

Oh the irony

According to this article, Chris Hansen has been caught by a hidden camera sting cheating on his wife with a 30 year TV reporter from Florida.

That's the same Chris Hansen that catches old pervs tricking little girls on the Internet into meeting them for sexual encounters on the disgustingly addicting show "To Catch a Predator".

This is ironic, not because it's the same as bringing condoms and a 6-pack of Mike's Hard Lemonade to an innocent little girl, but because it's another clueless man getting caught being a douche on a hidden camera.

"Do You Know Who I am?" Yes, you're Chris Hansen and you just got beat at your own game, dumbass.

Swimming in the heat

It is too hot.

I just went on an hour walk, which was not that fast paced. I should not be that sweaty.

But because it's the NC coast, because it's 90 degrees, and because it just rained, I feel like I just jumped in a pool with my clothes on. The whole walk I felt like I was swimming because the air is so moist and sticky. Even my breaths felt a little under-watery.

So that is what I looked like after an hour outside...red face, drenched hair, and neck-sweat-dreads.

I know I usually stay anonymous but I decided A) not enough people read my blog to ever risk me becoming famous and B) it is just selfish to rob the rest of the world of my ability to make absolutely heinous facial expressions. So expect to see a lot more of my schweaty face in the future.

I heart premature old age

Today I went to water aerobics. With a bunch of older ladies and my cousin. I wore webbed gloves.

What is going on with my life?

I actually loved the workout because it was low impact on my achey joints fun to be in the water. And who knows if I worked anything out. Sometimes I just measure the effect of exercise in time I spend away from the kitchen eating.

I followed that up with a jaunt to the Farmer's Market and an epic baking session - pictures forthcoming for the winner of the major giveaway from many months ago...the winner, being a true diva, deferred the prize until he moved into his new house.

Being an old lady rules! Free time is the most amazing gift on Earth. Tomorrow I'm going to get my moles checked! I am really living the senior citizen dream :)

Giveaway Winner

And the winner of the giveaway is...Nancy! This is Nancy as in the 3rd commentor on the giveaway, not my sister. New Nancy must be new reader?? Send me your address at divasayswhat@gmail.com and I'll send the book your way!

Enjoy this great summer reading..with your beer at the beach!

Talk to the hand

This just in from Mariah, via this article: 'This is baby Monroe saying 'no pictures dahhhhling' at 7+1/2 weeks. Oh dear.'

Sometimes I wish I could turn back time so that I can stay young forever. Now that Mariah Carey has kids I want to turn time forward so that I can see how wretchedly, fabulously divalicious they are when they grow up.

Can you even imagine? I am sure genetically they will be presdisposed to be 99% more ridiculous than other kids. But the fact that Mariah and Nick are interpreting simple hand movements as diva proclamations like "no pictures dahhhhhling" means for sure that they will be almost unspeakably diva.

It's a good thing there are two of them because I don't see them getting a lot of invitations to normal kids' Birthday parties with their list of baby RIDERS. They are going to need each other!

Diveats - Burrito Bowl

In PROJECT DISHWASHER, my attempt to use as many pots and pans and plate and cups and glasses as possible just because I have access to a dishwasher, I made a 4 pot meal that was muy bien last night.

I call this a homemade burrito bowl. Rice (unless you're pretend low-carb like me), black beans, corn, sauteed onions and peppers, and seasoned chicken. I topped it with jalapenos, salsa, and Greek yogurt (trust me it tastes the same as sour cream but is healthier).

It made plenty for 6 servings and was healthy!! As long as you nix the rice. I forgot to take a picture of the whole shebang, but trust me it was good. I had 2 other satisfied customers.

Diva on the go

My friend sent me a pic of this epic diva spotting from an airport. Petite divas with faux diva friends in tow.

I just respect this. That is all.

Donde Estamos?

On my trip to MD last weekend my mom's GPS started to act erratically. As in, it told us it would take us 6 hours to go 230 miles. When in actually it took us 8 hours to go over 400 miles. It was way wrong on all fronts.

And as the picture above indicates, it also told us it would take us 0:00 minutes to go 26 miles. Now that's just silly.

All of the dramz with the GPS made me reflect on my family's extensive and absurd relationship with our GPS's (what is the plural of GPS??).

I think the first one of our family clan to get a car with a GPS was my sister. She bought a car from a dealership around DC that was called Radley Acura. This, coupled with what can only be called THE SUMMER OF MARIAH, served as the basis of a fairly lengthy biography that we created for the imaginary person giving us directions. We called him Gary Mariah Radley.

His background was dramatic to say the least, including a lifelong fight to prove his masculinity despite his parents insistence that his middle name be Mariah. He remains a bitter man with major mommy issues, and is now for sale with my sister's car. He will be missed for sure!

My director is a woman and I named her Laufaunda, a la Napolean Dynamite. By far the least interesting name of the GPS family.

My mom currently calls her car captain Lady Largo. I assume this is inspired by her 20+ drives to Key Largo over the life of her car.

But Lady Largo wasn't always Lady Largo. For a time my mom called her Rhonda, as in "Help me Rhonda, Help, Help Me Rhonda!"

That will always be my favorite.

Who knew that Global Positioning Devices could be such an important part of one's family history!? Thank you Lafaunda, Gary Mariah, Rhonda, and Lady Largo for a combined 15+ years of getting us places we might otherwise have had to use a map to get to!

No Name McGee

Last weekend I went to a family reunion.

Usually I am with my sister at these shindigs so if you say one of our names, the right one answers and it's clear who is who.

This time I was a lonesome dove, but I was also wearing a nametag that each person was given.

The first night of the reunion, a family member came up and said, "Which one are you...M____ or N_____?"

I have known this person for 27 years. I am related to this person. And I was wearing a nametag. And he still called me the wrong name.

I can take a hint...When someone calls you the wrong name when you're wearing a nametag, they really, really, really don't care who you are.

Love is MObile

I saw this beauty on my 8 hour trip to Cambridge, MD this weekend for a family reunion.

The beauty of this declaration of love is not just that it's romantic. It's also very versatile and can be used for pretty much any relationship with any human who belongs to any gender...as long as one of them is a "her".

Love isn't just in the air...It's on the highways and byways! <3

Book Giveaway!

Good Morning and Happy Monday!

Let's start the week off with a giveaway, of the literary persuasion.

The featured book for today's giveaway is The One That I Want, by Allison Winn Scotch. This book is the eye-opening tale of a woman who is forced to reflect on the path her life is taking, and and to realize that this might not be the direction in which she really is destined to go. A great story about self-reflection and opening one's mind to the unexpected possibilities that life may present.

To enter simply leave a comment saying hello, what you did last weekend, or whatever is on your mind.

Checking In

It's been exactly 8 working days since I've had a job. I thought for sure I'd be bored after day 2. But that is hardly the case!

It turns out it's really easy to stay busy when you're crazy, like running errands, and like cleaning. I haven't even laid out in the sun once...mostly because I burn like a ginger. But living at the beach is awesome.

Being temporarily unemployed is even awesome-er. I highly recommend it for a month or so.

I've got one last travel planned for the year next Wednesday, returning July 12. Then I'll pound the pavement for jobs like it's my...job... but until then, I'm enjoying the hell out of it.

Having no shame in having no job is so liberating!!! It's Sunday at 10:40PM and I'm watching Ice Loves Coco on E! I don't have a job I hate to dread in the morning and I freaking love it.

This is making me realize that I should never take a job I hate again, that way Sundays won't be so miserable!

Wrong

Recently I saw someone for the first time in a long time. She actually used to date one of my friends. Now she dates another guy.

She said about her relationship, "You know...It wasn't supposed to happen...But it did."

That is the cheesiest damn thing I have ever heard. It's not like you are royalty and you married a commoner.

The only time anyone should ever say such a sentence without sounding like a dramatic douche is if that person is being forced into an arranged marriage, or if that person is dating her own blood brother.

Not if someone is just dating a normal guy that is around her same age. Bitch please.

Stupid Criminals Innocents

I just went on a walk and didn't lock the door to my house, because no one really comes around these here parts. But just to be safe, I hid my wedding ring between my computer and iPad because my fingers get all kinds of swolled up when I'm walking in the heat.

It wasn't until mid-walk that I realized how stupid that was. Because if a robber did somehow manage to find our house and rob us, of course they would never think to look between the iPad and the computer, right?

I've only been gone from the workforce for one week and I'm already getting stupid. Oh well! It's still way more fun!

Hormone Over Drive

Really?! Really?! Mariah is JUST now learning what it means to be a woman? According to this article.

She didn't know what it meant when she dropped from the sky in a sparkling wedding dress during her latest concert series?

And she didn't know what it meant to be a woman when she taped her entire episode of MTV Cribs from a bubble bath while drinking champagne?

And you are sure she didn't know what it meant when she made a music video in which she was a barbie doll version of her own self?

If Mariah really just now knows what it means to be a woman, O.M.G. I bet her hormones are out of control! Mariah becoming more womanly is like Lou Ferrigno becoming more muscular (i.e., does not need to happen!).

Beach Livin'

I guess I should get used to this living in Wilmington!

I know this is totally disgusting and looks like something you'd see in a medical journal, but its just mosquito bites. 4 mosquito bites in a row actually...all about a cm apart. What are the chances of that happening?

I am trying hard to resist the urge to play Guitar Hero on my forearm. WHAMMY BAR!!

Punchy

Besides usually being miserable and almost always occurring on the hottest day of the year, moving can also be kind of funny. Assuming you unearth hilarious finds that you didn't remember that you had, or, better yet, that you didn't know your roommate/spouse had.

For instance, I was tidying up yesterday and was shocked to realize that my 28 year old husband owned not only 2 basketball jerseys, a polyester paisley shirt, and a box full of fake plastic ducks, but also a full sized punching bag.

WTF?!

Our house in Chapel Hill was small, how did I manage to go 2 years there and never lay eyes of this massive punching bag. This is also to say that he did not ever use it.

Who doesn't need a giant, useless punching bag hiding in their house?! Just in case of an emergency fight club situation...

I see London, I see Wimbledon...

I've been watching some of the Wimbledon Tournament today, in between unpacking and figuring out my new life.

I have noticed a major problem in the tennis community. I know these players, women in particular, have coaches, trainers, agents, and sponsors...So where is the member of that entourage that lets them know that millions and millions of viewers across the world can see their nipples?

I watched a 2 hour match between two women, whose names I cannot pronounce or remember, and for the entire time I can see the exact outline of both of their nipples. That's 2 hours, 4 nipples, and infinite confusion.

Maybe part of figuring out my new life will involve inventing some sort of sports bra that doesn't expose players' boobs to the entire Universe. Applications for partners currently being excepted. Experience a plus.

Pop Goes the Cake Ball!

I finally made cake pops last week.

FYI, they are NOT as easy as they look.

But they are much funnier to make if you make them with a 5 year old who does not have the slightest hesitation when it comes to flinging batter and licking the spoon.

While these pops will never when any awards for beauty, they were sinfully delicious and so much fun to make.

This could be an awesome decorating activity for a kids party if you could actually bake and form the balls ahead of time, and figure out how to eliminate the chocolate mess.

I was finding chocolate all over my clothes, legs, and forehead for the rest of the day when I made them...And then I found about 3 in my stomach...OOPS!

Street Police

This is the street I lived on in Chapel Hill at midnight. Mallette Street.

It's almost like the county wants college girls to get assaulted.

Light it up Mallette Street. One street lamp for 20+ houses is NOT enough!

I Heart Anonymity

Last week I got a massage. I couldn't stop thinking throughout the whole thing how comforting it was to have someone see you semi-naked and vulnerable on a massage table and not care at all about how fat she thought you were or what her take was on cellulite. The truth was, I didn't care at all what she thought because I knew I'd never lay eyes on her again.

I was moving the next day and I rarely ever get massages, so the odds were definitely in my favor for eternal anonymity with this woman. The comfort that brought was wonderful.

That also made me wax nostalgic have terrible flashbacks about the OB/GYN I went to in high school and college. She was a member of the church I went to and her son and daughter were in Youth Group with my sister and me. Not anonymous!

She would sit there while performing her doctoral "procedures" and start asking me about how my parents were doing, what was my sister up to in school, etc....Not ideal.

Even if it's for the sake of medicine and good health, I don't need someone asking mom and pops while my legs are in stirrups.

After I moved away from home I went to random doctors that I was happy to never see outside the hospital. Some people say random doctor/patient relationships can hurt patient care. I say it keeps the topic of my sister's after-school activities off limits while Dr. Random is feeling around to make sure I don't have breast cancer.

Anonymity for life!

Diveats - Spaghetti Squash with sauteed veggies

If you haven't ever tried spaghetti squash, you is missin' out.

It's such a healthy substitute for pasta. I basically just use it for it's willingness to let me put the good stuff on top, like sauce and feta cheese, etc.

I made this little gem, mixed with some sauteed zucchini, red onion, a few chunks of chicken, and tomatoes. Something about sauteed zucchini reminds me of a Japanese steakhouse, which is NOT a bad thing!

I obviously topped this with feta, because I learned in Greece that feta makes everything betta!

Sisterhood of the Travelling Funnies

I had a really great experience today. My first Skyping session with my sister in London.

The only problem was that neither one of us could hear each other. I really need to figure out my little computer! But that certainly did not stop us from continuing the session.

It was seriously hilarious. We were basically just reading each other's lips and laughing our butts off. It was like mime Skyping.

Sisterhood is officially the most amazing thing in the world I think. We gchat, text, call, silent-skype, Blackberry message, facebook post, post comments on my blog. I mean there is just no form of communication that is not fun for sissies...as long as they are both awesome!

I miss her a lot, but I like to know that just seeing each other's faces can set us off into fits of laughter. That's sisterhood at its finest!

Unemployed and Loving It...Carb free and alone

To celebrate my last day at work, I decided I wanted to have wood-burned pizza and a bottle of wine with either my husband, sister, or favorite friend.

Unfortunately, due this emm eff South Beach Diet (which I'm kind of only pretend doing because I've been on a boredom-binder since last week), I had vodka soda and cauliflower/pretend mashed potatoes with chicken and hot sauce.

Alone...husband lives elsewhere, sister's in London, and favorite friend is eating wood-burned pizza with someone else in Charleston, basically food/wine/friend cheating on me :(

Nonetheless I did this. Ghetto style. In my mother-in-laws petite dog bowls. Because, if you follow me on twitter, you know I throw away everything and currently have no plates.

Cheers fellow unemployed divas! I hope you're all skinny and carbo-loading somewhere, because that would be way more fun.

La Vida Loca

Today is the greatest day ever my last day of work!

I finally feel like I’m starting my real life once I move. Something about being married now and my husband finally not being in school and having bi-monthly keg parties…Real Life!

Which is ironic because so far this real life consists of me moving in with Mommy and Daddy at their vacation home and putting all of my earthly possessions in a climate controlled box.

Oh well, baby steps.

I just need to get a job and a place to live and I’ll be set! Oh wait, that’s like everything.

I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I hope with all of my heart that I can do something that doesn’t involve sitting at a desk. Because all the funniness happens while you’re talking to people and moving around! Not doing data entry in a corner, sharing an office with a crazy lady that reads emails to herself OUTLOUD.

T-minus 5 hours until I’m free at last!

Nerd Alert!

Yesterday at the gym, after a hilarious episode of Ellen, Judge Judy came on the TV.

I asked the guy next to me if I could change the station, because who watches Judge Judy?! Well sonofabitch if he didn't say, "No, I'm watching this."

That is not a normal thing for a guy to publicly admit. I made sure he paid attention the whole time so he didn't punish me for no reason.

If you have to watch Judge Judy for some sick reason, do it in the privacy of your own home.

Dirty Dunky Dancer

I was listening to Enrique Iglesias’s song “Dirty Dancer” this morning, and I thought I heard something that I hoped I didn’t really hear.

Well I just looked up the lyrics (here) and, indeed, I did hear it.

It’s just a little problem I have with this lyric:

She’s a five when she drinks/But she’s a ten when she’s on top of me

That’s just terrible. That basically means that Enrique is admittedly hooking up with a sloppy drunk girl who isn’t even a 6!

Have some standards Enri-ri. Go for the well-behaved 9’s instead of the alcoholic 5’s. Because I assure you, if she’s a 5 when she drinks and a 10 when she’s on top of you, she’s going to be a -2 that next morning when you wake up and her mascara has run all down her face and she has dragon breath.

Ice Loves Coco

There is just pretty much nothing about this article that isn't awesome. See the article here.

My favorite line is, "Coco wears full make-up and acrylic heels as she lifts weights in her private gym." And why the hell not, I say!

Don't tell anyone, but I watched the show last night. It was mildly entertaining. But what struck me the most was that Coco really is a down-to-earth, traditional wife. They seem really in love and devoted to each other.

So if Coco wants to have the world's biggest ass and dress like a stripper, more power to her! As long as she is loved and respected by her man, she should go on with her bad self.

Seriously though, look at the article. If nothing else, at least see the pictures. Homegirl is Curvaceous with a capital C!

Tone it down

I'm in an email chain that is planning a bridal shower for a friend.

One of the girl's permanent email signature is "Enthusiastically, Jane Doe." (That's not her actual name obvi).

That is too annoying. I bet she's also really peppy in the mornings and has tons of picture frames that say "Friends" on them.

Less is more Jane. Less is more.

Name Drop It Like It's Hot

Last night was decidedly un-diva. I got jazzed about watching the Tony Awards because I usually love any award show…except the Tony’s I now know. I mean this in the least homophobic way possible, but that was the gayest thing I’ve ever seen.

I ended up needing a kick of testosterone after the failed Tony viewing, so I watched the NBA finals. While I didn’t really care who won, I cried anyway at the players’ happiness.

I also got really excited when Bill Russell presented the trophy because he and I go way back. He was in a joint business with my dad and he stayed at our house one time.

My dad told me that he definitely did NOT sign autographs, so I wasn’t supposed to ask him. He did not, however, forbid me from selling Bill something from my homemade store in our playroom, Hearts of Fire.

I wrote up the receipt for whatever candy or soda I guilted him into buying and tried to get him to sign it. But he said he’d just pay with change and didn’t need the receipt :(

Project Get-Bill Russell’s-Autograph was foiled, but at least I can say I shared a bathroom with an NBA legend. That’s one of the perks of being the youngest and being forced to share an adjoining bathroom with the guest room.

Too much of a bad thing

So much bad.

This is a terrible picture because I was chasing the car down the highway but I had to share.

Not only did this car have one of those awful sticker families, it also had a license plate that said "Nuklheads". As in knuckleheads. As in terrible.

People need to stop trying to share all of their opinions and family statistics on the backs of their cars. Save that information for the Census.

Smelly Song Bird

Yes Please!

Mariah Carey Launching More Fragrances Named After Her Songs, according to this article.

I started looking up names of Mariah’s past songs to think of some funny possibilities of future fragrances.

That’s when I learned that her whole fragrance line is called Lollipop Bling. It looks like I couldn’t offend her fragrance line even if I wanted to, because she already thought of the most ridiculous name possible for the whole shebang.

But actual Mariah songs I found that would be funny fragrance names include:

*Candy Bling

*Touch My Body

*Babydoll

*Angels Cry

*Breakdown

*Bye Bye

*Did I do That?

*Crybaby

*H.A.T.E.U. (according to Mariah, this stands for Having A Typical Emotional Upset…I die.)

*Joy Ride

*Side Effects

*Up Out My Face

Insane in the Fat Membranes

Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha.

If only it were this simple....Meet the Fat Whisperer here - "The A-list weightloss guru 'persuades' fat cells to leave the body.

According to this article, "The weight loss guru – who has achieved cult status in West Hollywood where she is based – uses power of persuasion to encourage fat cells to leave the body."

That is the dumbest damn thing I've ever heard. Anyone who has spent more than zero US dollars on this "guru" needs a nice, sharp slap in the face.

You should really read the article to read all of the absurdity, but here's a fun little quote that I liked:

‘I command you to get out!’, she is said to whisper to the fat cells in an effort to banish them.

No she didn't.

If this stupid approach really does work, me thinks it's because she only allows her clients to eat 500 calories on some days, which they conveniently don't mention until the end of the article.

Sometimes it's not about the art of persuasion. Sometimes it's just about old-fashioned starvation!

Extreme Makeover: Skin Removal Edition

Has anyone else been watching Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition??

I hate to admit that I am, but summer TV is the worst. I'm desperate.

Both episodes I've seen have started out inspiring and then ended in a shocking way...Skin Removal Surgery.

That just kind of seems not in keeping with the shows alleged mission of "Incredible Transformations" through diet and exercise. From what I gather at this point, the contestants have to lose enough weight to be eligible for the skin removal surgery.

That just seems like kind of a wierd reality show prize?! Anyone else tuning in? I kind of like it, but I don't see this show getting renewed. The trainer isn't really mean or emotional enough to be that entertaining.

NOse Ring

Last night on the news I saw something icky. It was a story about a girl somewhere around these parts that was suspended from school for wearing a nose ring, which is against school rules.
She was suspended 3 times by the school and still refused to take out the nose ring. Apparently her reason for why she should be allowed to break the rules with the rose ring is because she is part of the Church of Body Modification.

That is a real thing. Check out their website here at your own risk.

I do not understand how this is a “Church” in any way and not just a congregation of tattoo and piercing addicts, but they have a website and won the lawsuit regarding the nose-ring girl, so I guess it’s for real.

Other really redeeming qualities about the Church, besides the fact that they get surgeries to split their tongues in half and make their ears into little horns, is the fact that they accept Corporate Sponsorships. Just way God and the disciples intended.