Love in the Time of Cholera

There's a lot of reasons why I am happy I made this blog and that all things "diva" have permeated my life.

But the best and funniest to me is when my husband calls things "diva." This is made funnier by the fact that he is one of 4 boys and had never heard the word diva until he met me.

If I ever want to take a sick day off of work when I'm not really sick (which I would NEVER do b/c I am the model employee), he says I'm taking a "diva day". His words, not mine.

I think it is funny that instead of judging me or getting mad at me for doing something so irresponsible, he embraces it and adds the word diva to it. He must really get me :)

Now he is sick and he just called me to ask if he could pick me up from work and make the rest of the day a "diva day" and go get fro yo.

I said no because I am too responsible and b/c I just damn near od'ed on early Easter chocolates. But it made me giggle mucho.

Then he, who barely even reads my blog, referenced this post and asked if it applies to men.

I've never been more sure I married the right guy.

Lil' Ol' Me

Recently my sister added some amazingly awesome and old pictures to facebook.

I know it's a ton lil' self-serving, but I had to share these two because I think they are definitive of my personality then and now.

Half Diva

(With a flawless lipstick application)

Half Hot Mess

100% Attitude

Bittersweet Fertility

Another joyous ending to an uplifting season of Teen Mom 2. Just a few thoughts on this finale.

The only question more perplexing than where the hell Janelle’s mom got her accent from is how Janelle has the audacity to yell at her mom for yelling at her…the day after she got arrested for 1) Breaking and Entering, 2) Possession of Marijuana, 3) Possession of Paraphernalia.

And the only thing more awesome than Corey and Leah getting married in Camouflage is that they actually got married at a place called Coon Skin Park. That’s just straight up romantic, yall!

Also, it was such a sweet treat for lil Aubrey when her baby’s mama’s mama used her Birthday wish to wish for Chelsea to stay away from her baby daddy. I’m sure that’s exactly what that one year old wanted!

This show really warms the heart.

Diva Spotting

It looks like Mary Kay is getting a little outdoorsy on us! Hatchback and all!

Congrats to the unknown outdoor loving, cosmetic product pushing Mary Kay rep who finally got her wings whip pink car!

Pledge This

As much as I hate on paper but secretly love in real life Lilly Pulitzer, I hate-hate this: http://www.lillypulitzer.com/accessories+gifts/new-sorority-prints/icat/sorority/&bklist=icat,4,shop,accessoriesandgift,sorority

People who join sororities and fraternities have enough of a hard time convincing people that they aren't snobby jerks.

Let's not make it any harder on these Greek-holes by tempting them with subliminal messages hidden in their Spring pastels.

Lilly you's a sneak ho!

Sicky Baby

Mayday Mayday! We’ve got another sick husband situation on our hands.

If you don’t remember verbatim my post from last October about how sick men are pathetic babies, check it out here.

Well…that’s all still true. And now he’s sick again! But this time it’s just a really sad dry cough.

And last night, I actually heard him whimpering while I was trying to sleep…SPARE ME!

I said, “Sweetie, go buy yourself some medicine, drink some tea or lemon water, and then I will have some sympathy. But if you continue you to do nothing to remedy the situation other than complain and feign death, then SHUT UP!”

Aren't I the sweetest? I'll give him a compliment tonight or something to make it up, but I swear, this instantaneous reversion to infancy when a man is sick is enough to make a girl a lesbian!

Make a Life Get a Life

In what is shaping up to be the most dramatic birth in the history of the world, Mariah Carey is allegedly going to have her babies anyday now. Oh, excuse me, I mean #dembabies as she is so fondly calling them via Twitter.

(Hint: I'm being sarcastic, that is the most ghetto $h*t ever).

Please read this article surrounding the dramz. Not for the hardhitting journalism. But for the hilarious comments that follow. Favorites include:

* "Welcome to the World Butterfly Valentine and Hermes Nicholas "

* "'Umm...she will be in her 50s before they are even teenagers! The other children will taunt them about their OLD mother"

(Response from another commentor)

'Hmm, well okay... a good defence would be "my mother is the most successful female artist of all time and has more no. 1s than anyone except the Beatles". I'm sure they will be fine and have very privileged lives, jesus christ. '

* I bet you a million that one is cute like her and one is fugly like him. Same with J-Lo's twins.

I have seriously been blogging about the possibility of her becoming a mother since October of 2009.

This needs to go ahead and happen ASAP. And I probably really need to get a life.

This Just In...

My new version of hell is sitting next to an overweight, chain-smoking, nose breather for a 2 hour meeting.

Diveats - Chicken Enchildas, Ole!

Last night I made chicken enchiladas for the first time. They were surprisingly easy and muy deliciosas!

Best part of the meal = My husband said they taste like Chipotle! I consider that a huge compliment because I think Chipotle tastes good but is the most fattening food in the world. Seriously, look up the nutrition facts here. You will cringe if you've eaten here recently.

Mine were the "healthy" version with light cheese, light sour cream and a simple can of fiesta corn on the side.

I loosely used this recipe, but shamefully I just bought canned enchilada sauce instead of making it from scratch, and it was perfectly fine by me!

I jazzed it up with mucho jalapenos and green onions, as I have a tendency to do.

Four stars! It stayed together perfectly and made more than enough for 5 enchiladas. Hello leftovers!

Strange Days

Well, today should be interesting...

It's approximately 8:23AM in my neck of the woods and I have already seen the following on my walk to work:

1) A girl passed out on the sidewalk covered in umbrellas.

Don't worry she was being attented to by several police officers. It just did not look very comforting to be unconscious, on the ground, in the rain, covered my metal/fabric sticks. I guess that's the only choice when you are waiting for backup!?

2) A sign for a "Lost Palm Tree". Reward included.

Hooray for wierd days!

Hippity Humpity Hump Day!

I Heart Me

It has recently come to my attention that I have 2 remarkable qualities that I love about myself.

1) I take very little time to use the bathroom when I am a public place with a line. This makes me feel efficient and low maintenance. And I am sure it is appreciated by the full-bladdered bitches behind me.

2) I always, always, always get to restaurants at the perfect times, right before crowds and long waits form.

There’s no need for a reservation when you’re with Mamacita. Fear not, I’ll get us right in. Not because I have connections, but because I have been blessed with the gift of getting my grub on unimpeded from pestering crowds.

I can’t explain it, but I can definitely prove it. Join me for dinner and then a night out on the town somewhere with lots of girls and small bathrooms and prepare to be amazed.

Artiste in Vitro

Oh Mimi.

Getting jiggy with it festive with her baby bump.

Naturally Mariah would decorate her pregnant stummy (stomach/tummy) with a butterfly. Or, I more rightly presume, had her closet troll paint it for her.

I can just picture the scene in her closet.

Opening scene: Mariah emerges, confused, from the museum of stilletos and tube tops that she calls a closet.

Closet Troll (submissive, head bowed): Master Mimi, what can I do for you today?

Mimi: Oh little lamb...what's your name?...of nevermind, it's not important...come over here with that pastel fingerpaint. I need you to do something for me.

Closet Troll: Wait, you want me to finger paint a butterfly on your stummy? You do know you're 42 right? Today's your Birthday.

Mimi: Oh silly troll. Butterflies never grow up. NOW PAINT THE DAMN BUTTERFLY!

Happy Birthday Mariah. I am counting down the days until the butterflies fly the cacoon...and then are immediately bedazzled with glitter and diamonds.

Picture This

If you ever need some good ol’ fashioned free entertainment, and if you have way too much free time on your hands, go to your local Verizon store.

Then go to any iProduct (i.e., iPad, iPhone) and find the Camera App. There you will find an abundance of double-chin angle shots from all the strangers you didn’t know were in your network.

You’ll see so much diversity in these pictures you will think it is a United Colors of Benetton ad…for Verizon…of double chins.

Bonus feature: There are lots of videos too. Only a few seconds a piece, but chalk full of confusion and, again, more double chins.

Help end car cruelty

If you ever really want to f*@k up someone's day, might I suggest the following:

Just in case you are having trouble viewing, that says "I Can't Drive." "Can't" is underlined, just to really drive the point home: I am an @$$hole.

Some jerk keyed that into the side of a car I saw the other day. I won't say whose car it is for fear of getting unfriended by the owner. But I will say that it is for sale if anyone is interested...free artwork included!

This is one of the meanest things I've ever seen. But it's also inexplicably one of the funniest.

Cruelty is hilarious, but karma is a bitch.

Refresh Yourself

If anyone is looking for a refreshing refreshment that is better than plan old water, look no further.

This is my 69cent solution to quitting my seltzer water addiction. So far, no cravings!

...Now if only I could demolish those disgusting countertops...

Diveats - Steak and Twice Baked Potatoes (after a bitter bball loss)

Loser, Party of 2?

Last night after a soul crushing loss for UNC, I made steak and twice-baked potatoes. It was so good I almost forgot that I have nothing to look forward to watching on TV anymore.

Btw, if you are looking for something that is way not fun to make, I highly recommend twice baked potatoes. As you can tell by the second picture of my plate, with the broken potato debris, it is hard-to-impossible to keep that 'tato together.

Best served with a glass of cabernet sauvignon and a side of salty loser tears :(

Anyone else see the resemblance?

Heidi the cross-eyed opposum

Pauly D from Jersey Shore

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All of us here at the DSW headquarters appreciate your support!

TGIF!

Eternal Diva

Elizabeth Taylor was 15 minutes late to her own funeral, at her own request.

http://www.people.com/people/package/article/0,,20261725_20476376,00.html

This is truly a diva move. And 50/50 in the way I like. 50% like because it's the most ridiculous, diva move ever. And 50% dislike because I think being late should be a federal offense.

Other mindblowing facts about the funeral:

1) It was an hour long

2) It was multi-denominational...I can understand that for a wedding b/c 2 people might have different religious beliefs...but for one person to be multiple religions even in death... just make up your mind!

3) Carrie Fisher, aka Princess Lea, is her stepdaughter

4) Colin Farrell gave a reading. What. the. hell.

Suggestion!

This is the best brie I've ever had! Reason enough to have a wine and cheese party with your bitches this weekend!

I found mine at the Fresh Market but I bet it is at any nice food store. If you love brie please try. It's Triple Creme and Quadruple YUM! More info here

Home is Where the Big Fat Lie Is

I learned some very unsettling information this week.

Apparently neither Giada At Home nor Nigella Kitchen are filmed in either one of their homes or kitchens!

I feel so dupped. Now I would give anything to see one of these shows filmed. What do they do with the food since they are clearly NOT serving it to their families at their homes?!

This does, however, make me a little less concerned about Giada's OCD issues, as her "house" is always freakishly clean. But this does nothing to explain the stupid surf boards that sit outside the translucent windows in the kitchen. Or why she is always running "upstairs" to change.

And when Nigella goes late night in her bathrobe to grub on the remnants of her pies, is she actually just doing that in her studio kitchen...midday...with the lights off?

This gives me mad respsect for the Original Gansta Ina Garten. That show is straight up filmed in her house. What she lacks in wearing anything besides oversized button up shirts, she makes up for in honesty.

In related news, if you want to watch the most annoying episode ever of Giada at Home, I suggest the Pasta Party. Between her pronunciations of Pasta, Ricotta, Parmesan Reggiano, and Penne, it's enough to make you want to never travel to Italy again. Or even your local Olive Garden .

Liars!

Diveats - Salt and Vinegar Chickpeas

This is a weird one…but it makes a scrumptious lil’ snack that is packed with protein! You'll just have to trust me.

Introducing: Salt and Vinegar Chips Roasted Chickpeas!
Add a can of drained Garbanzo Beans (aka, chickpeas) to 2 cups of vinegar and bring to a boil. Take off heat and let sit for a while (half hour-ish) in the vinegar. Then drain. I think White Distilled vinegar is the best bet here, but I used half White and half White Wine Vinegar because that's what I had.
Place the chickpeas on a lined baking sheet. Massage them with about 2 tsps of olive oil and sprinkle them generously with a chunky salt, like sea or kosher.

Bake at 425 degrees for around 30 minutes or until crispy, jostling the pan a couple of times during the process.

Stuff your fat ass right away. Allow to cool for a couple of minutes and enjoy!

I'm Your Angel

This is just a reminder that in 1998 this happened.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4nAL3krkCSE

Yep. Celine Dion, of awesome facial expressions and chest pounding, and R. Kelly, of peeing on people, did a duet together. About angels. Oh hey irony, what's up girlfriend!

And it's kind of awesome.

Fat Hair

I love how on the Biggest Loser, they force the contestants to remain as FUGLY as possible until the makeover episode late in the season.

Right now on the current season, they are definitely in pre-makeover mode and all the contestants have the most unruly hair and facial debris!

One guy looks like Don Quijote and and another has what appears to be a mound of pubes on his chin!? ICK! Let those former fatties shave!

*Sidenote: I LOVE the makeover episode!! It makes me cry like a baby everytime

Not a girl, not yet a woman

Recently I decided to go through my clothes and see if there are some things I don't wear anymore. And boy did I find a lot of it!

And this isn't just due to the "ever-expanding ass causes ever-shrinking wardrobe" syndrome that I've been suffering from for the better part of a decade.

It's because, I dare say, I'm officially becoming an adult. Not just the kind who pays taxes. But the kind who decidedly does NOT wear tummy tees.

I thought it would be hard to get rid of so many clothes, but I flew through that crap with reckless abandon. And it felt goooood.

There's something very liberating about knowing that you will never again have to even pretend to be able to pull off a tube top. Particularly without a protective blazer or cardigan. But cardigans as the main event...now there's something I can get on board with!

The older I get the more I think, "More is more."

I am a teenager

Something amazing just happened.

I went to the gym and the young girl at the check-in counter, who was inexplicably excited to see me as we do not know each other, said, "It's so good to see you. I haven't seen you since summer school last year when I used to see you everyday at the gym!"

I'm obviously taking this to mean that she thinks I'm in college! That's what it was, right?

Regardless of whether she thought I was an undergrad student or even a grad student...or Dear God, a teacher!... I was too awkward to tell her I graduated from college 5 years ago and haven't been to summer school since 2003.

But hell, it's nice outside and I feel young so I'm going to go put on a tube top and cowgirl boots and have a beer at Pantana Bob's*

*Things that are not actually going to happen. Ever - But mostly just the tube top.

I can see right through you like you're bathing in Windex

I am not a fan of all of the new window debris that is so popular right now.

Like the monogram decals with your initials? Too fancy and stupid for the back of a car.

And I really don't like the stick figure families. All this does is tell me how much you are adding to over-population. And whether or not you are a crazy cat person.

I don't need to know that you have 3 kids and an infant just because I'm passing you on the highway. And I see that you have a cat AND a goldfish? Who's brilliant idea was that?!

Do people keep nothing to themselves anymore?! And whatever happened to the simplicity of the a good ol' Baby on Board sticker? I hate those too but at least those only tell you what you need to know.

Who Let Celine Out?!

This website just almost made me piddle in my pants.

http://ridiculouspicturesofcelinedion.tumblr.com/

Oh Celine you are magnificent!

Thank you for all of your facial expressions. And for this video, which remains my greatest joy in life!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CEggoXwoXEY&feature=player_embedded

Who let Celine out?!

Spending All My Brain

I think that one of the hardest things that a modern day woman has to go through is what I like to call the Wallet Change. If you're like me, you keep things until they are so worn out that people give you dirty looks. That means you get pretty used to your stuff!

I finally switched wallets (to this) last week because mine had grown old and weary and I needed a colorful diddy for Spring. Well for the last week I have been, for lack of a better word, trippin. Everytime I take that colorful wallet out to pay I fumble around for cards and cash like I've never used currency before.

Has anyone else out there had adjustment issues with wallets and purses? Keeping up with the seasonal trends isn't just hard on the budget. It's hard on the brain!

Diveats - Fish Taco Party!

I spent a lovely weekend at the beach with my parents. Not only did I get 24 hours of sleep in 2 nights, I also got to participate in the best type of experiment there is - FOOD!

Thanks to my dad's super random but totally awesome idea to perfect the fish taco, we had a little taco party and pulled out all the stops. Aren't all those colors glorious?!?!

I made mango salsa using this recipe and it was great! Particularly the second day. Me thinks a fresh fruit salsa is crucial to a unique fish taco.

Also made and eaten during the weekend was some homemade guacamole, enjoyed with a beautiful sunset.

Memories of the weekend like this make me want to bitch slap Monday morning that much more. Damn you Mondays!

Caress me down

I passed this gem on the highway the other day and chased it down like a bat out of hell.

If I wasn't so sure I never want a dog, I would definitely treat my hypothetical pet to all the massages her little heart desired!

This also reminded me of this video, which is creepy beyond words.

Animals are divas too!

Cut Like a Ninja, Swing like a Razorblade

You know you live with a guy when you open your "wine accessories" drawer and find a rusty machete.

Why is this in my house?

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

There is a god

Snooki be thy name!

Check out my #1 guidette do a flying squirrel at the :25 minute mark.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pcFARG4QaqY

Happiest of Humpdays!

Mid-Afternoon Snack

More like mid-afternoon devastation. My last plastic spoon broke this morning so I’m stuck with only forks.

You know what happens when you eat yogurt with a fork? You miss out on all the yo-lovin on the bottom :(

Update: Pointer finger to rescue! I disgust even myself sometimes.