I basically have a cat

I don't hate a lot of things.

In fact, the short list off the top of my head only include the following:

1) Tyra Banks

2) A particular office manager who shall remain nameless

3) Cats - the felines, not the musical

To make a long, horrifying story short - I'm allergic to cats (and possibly to ex-boyfriends).

Well, son-of-a-beesting if I don't have a damn cat living in my yard!

It's clearly a wild cat, as I've heard it savagely maul a bird before. But it has put up shop in my backyard like I'm running a damn Holiday Inn Extended Stay.

I discourage it from staying around by never feeding it, hissing at it when I see it, and thinking really negative thoughts about it.

However, my husband, who likes to watch me freak out, feeds it scraps, beckons it to come to him, and calls it Butterscotch (even though it's black and white?!).

How do you get rid of a stray cat?!?!