Aren't they a beaut!

I just received an email addressed to my mom and myself. My mom and I are both pretty much known for our fashion risks and styles, so it only seems fitting that my sister would write to us saying that if we ever bought stilettos, she hopes we buy these.

http://www.newhighmart.com/shop/item/938/Grey-Ant-x-Teva-Stiletto/

And why wouldn't we?

They're chunky, they're hideous, they don't look any more comfortable than regular stilettos, and they look great with thick winter socks!

My favorite part about this product however, besides the "in action" adverstisements, is the warning: *Not recommended for actual hiking, gardening, mountain climbing, or Phish concerts.

Oh, and that they cost $330.00.

Shut up Sky Mall Magazine - Litter Kwitter

As usual, the Sky Mall magazine did not dissapoint during my latest travels.

In fact, I've decided to introduce a new little segment I like to call Shut Up Sky Mall Magazine.

An ode to the absolutely ridiculous crap they are trying to sell.

Today's featured product is the Litter Kwitter, which is allegedly an "award winning cat toilet training system."

I couldn't make this $h*t up if I tried.

To see the absurdity in action, click here http://www.litterkwitter.com/en/index.php. I can't even imagine how dirty your cat's tail would get from this action.

I can assure you that if I walked into a friend's house, went to the bathroom, and saw a cat peeing on the toilet, I would end that friendship immediately.

Strike one is obviously that you have the cat in the first place.

But strike 2 is that you bought a cat potty training system. And strike 3 is that you paid $59.99 for it.

Guess what?! You're out!

Caress me down

I flew to Nashville this weekend for a friend's wedding and was all prepared to get felt up by the TSA on both the outbound and inbound trips.

Nope. I also wore my best undergarments for that violating body scanning machine and didn't even get a lick of action from it or the TSA officials.

I guess all the hype doesn't apply to us po' folk who don't live in big cities.

In fact, much to my surprise on this holiday weekend, security was as lax as ever and my flights weren't even full.

It's true what they say. Don't believe everything you see on TV!

Mondays - The tiger den version

This was my fortune last night after a delicious Kung Pao Chinese feast.

Wtf?!

Apparently my future involves catching baby tigers...Oh Mondays...You really are too much.

Diveats - Pecan Squares

Todays Diveats is brought to you by this recipe from Barefoot Contessa.

I know it looks like minced meat in the photo, but those are actually very rich Pecan Bars.

This is, to date, the most extreme, decadant dessert I've ever made.

It calls for not one, not two, not five, not eight, but NINE sticks of butter.

I made this with a colleague as a Thank You treat for some people in my office and we were both in shock as we saw what the Doctor (Ina) ordered for the recipe.

I made sure to eat just the top of one. It's hard to binge on your creation when you know that each bar literally has almost half a stick of butter in it.

T'was good, and fun to bake. But never again shall I make these. I feel like there are a lot of other desserts that taste as good without the absurd amount of fat.

I'm Thankful for You

This Thanksgiving I'm thankful for a lots of things.

I'm thankful for my family, my husband, my real friends, my health, my happiness, etc.

But mostly I'm thankful that Snookie didn't leave the Jersey Shore house during the beginning of the first season after getting wasted in the hot tub and actin a fool.

Can you imagine how different our lives would be if Snookie hadn't stayed in the house, become famous, and entertained us endlessly in the subsequent seasons?

I cringe at the thought of it.

Thank you Snookie for rerouting the course of history in the right direction!

Things that are diva

Adding a "diamond" to the bottom of your boot. The boot company, not me.

Please look past the fact that my feet are giant canoes so that you can see that I literally have diamonds on the soles of my shoes!

To be bedazzled on any part of your body is to be a diva.

Things that are diva

Handwritten receipts and menus at fancy French restaurants!

Being the commoner that I am, I could barely read the cursive. But I appreciated the diva-ness of it anyway!

It's Getting Hot in Aisle 3

Yesterday I spent a record amount of time at the grocery.

And even after being there for 1.5 hours, having to ask 3 different employees where stuff was, and leaving in an almost full sweat from the intense pressure, I still didn't find one thing. Chicken or Turkey demi-glaze, where are you!?

Oh Thanksgiving, who knew you were so complicated?

Here are just a few of the items that I absolutely could not locate on my own.

1) Honey - near the peanut butter, fyi

2) Stuffing - even after finding this section (near the rice), it took me an additional 15 minutes to find the brand I was recommended, which was kindly hidden on the bottom shelf in the back

3) Instant flour - not regular flour, instant flour which is apparently very different

4) Water chestnuts - I don't even remember where these were, at that point I had actually started to get dizzy

5) Demi-glaze - still no luck, I will attempt again tomorrow

This better be one damn good feast I'm creating because Thanksgiving just officially became intense! I am SO glad I shopped yesterday because it was even super crowded then. I would not want to be in those competitive aisles come Wednesday or Thursday!

Oh Happy Day!

This morning on my walk to work, I saw so many smiling, friendly faces!

Thanks to all the joyful divas out there for making the world a better place!

And happy Friday, my favorite holiday of the year!

Never have I ever...

Gone to drop off a prescription at the pharmacy, tell the pharmacist my address, have him give me a strange look, and then tell me that he used to live there. Like, right before I moved in. What a small world!

Until last night, when this very thing happened!

And boy was he cute! My landlord must have really good taste in tenants :)

But still really bad taste in A/C repairs...

Diveats - Chicken Gyro with homemade Tzatziki sauce

Today's lunch is brought to you by my homemade chicken gyro. Sponsored by my even more hommade Tzatziki sauce using this recipe from my homegirl Ina.

As always I used less lemon than the recipe called for, because I just hate overly lemony things SO much.

I highly recommend this for a lunch or dinner. It tastes fresh and delicious, loaded with tomatoes, grilled chicken, feta cheese, tzatziki, and red onions. And the only component that really has an substantial calories is the pita itself.

So yum. So Greek. So necessary.

Free Cookbook!!

Stumped for what to make for the Thanksgiving holiday?

Can't afford an over-priced cookbook?

Well here ya go:

http://www.sirius.com/wo/i/martha/2010/Martha_Stewart_thanksgiving_full.pdf

63 pages of Martha Stewart approved recipes from a variety of chefs. From sides to salads, to meats to mouse, this ecookbook is a holiday lifesaver.

Enjoy domestic divas!

Meat me later

Inspired by a bright red leather couch this morning, I started to think about using leather products and eating meat, and whether or not that's ok.

I for one am a meat-eating, fabric oblivious non-vegan. However, I don't wear fur because I think it feels gross and makes me feel like my coat is going to hop off my chest.

But when it comes to leather fabrics, I just firmly believe that that red cow was good and dead by the time someone walked into Rooms to Go to buy it. And I sure as hell didn't order a cow slaughtered for my $15 Gap leather belt.

Basically what I'm saying is that I don't believe one person can make a difference. Sure, maybe when championing civil rights or starting a war. But definitely not when it comes to industry.

Unless you introduce a new product or system of manufacturing (Steve Jobs or Henry Ford), you can't UN-invent something that the masses already buy. Herego, you cannot make a change backwards.

And no one wants to hang around that assbag who goes around slapping burgers out of people's mouths and throwing paint on their rabbit fur vests.

Moral of the story, don't try to start a one-man revolution against animal products. You will annoy people, ruin coats they bought with their hard-earned money, and likely start to smell wierd from lack of iron.

Do you divas out there believe in wearing fur, using leather, and eating meat??

This message is soooooo NOT approved and definitely NOT paid for by PETA.

Eye am sleepy

This whole week I've been sleeping like the opposite of a baby. I guess that would be like a really old person?

I bought this thing called a Diva Mask at Bed, Bath, and Beyond a few years ago and decided I simply must start using it again so I can hope to finally get some sleep!

Well, it turns out the diva mask doesn't really help put me to sleep. It does, however, make me feel like a diva while I toss and turn for 4+ restless hours everynight!

And that my friends is nothing to sneeze at. If you've ever struggled with insomnia then you know what I'm talking about!

It's like a mini A-cup bra for the eyes. Offering instant an blackout and all the support that your eyeballs need, this is a must if you feel like you've been neglecting your eyes.

If you also have sleeping problems...then clearly I can't help you. But if you want to cloak the one part of your body that rarely gets a cute outfit, buy this eyemask today!

Probable Cause

If someone tells you before 8AM that you wouldn't be a very good morning radio DJ, you can be pretty sure that is his or her creative of way of telling you that you aren't a very good morning person at all.

Diveasts - Spring Mix Risotto

Source

Last night I made this warm treat from the Barefoot Contessa "Back to Basics" cookbook. Click Here for the recipe.

If I were to make it again I would use teaspoons of the lemon zest and lemons juice, instead of tablesppons, because it was a little too lemony for my liking.

I would also have added some mushrooms because I love them in everything.

And most importantly, I would look up to see what the hell fennel is on the Internet before wandering around the produce section for 45 minutes like an idiot, before finally having to ask someone what and where fennel is.

Quote of the Day

"You're simple, you're shallow, and you're a common whore, that's why we're soul mates!"

The Mc'Rib' is back

McDonald's is really trying to sensualize the McRib this time around.

Check out their latest commercial here.

You know what's not sensual? The actual McRib.

I saw a special on TV once about the McRib and it turns out it's not even made of rib meat!

In fact, there are no ribs in it at all. It's just grounded up miscellaneous meat that is processed and pressed into the shape of a set of ribs.

Go to this website here if you want to see the "deconstruction" of the McRib. http://www.foodfacts.info/mcrib/

It looks more like a brain than a rib!

In more hilarious news, this reminded me of this epic clip from The Osbournes back in 2002. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TSUPWNOrsNA&feature=player_embedded

"Huuuuugh! The McRib is back!"

Travesty

Last night my sister went to one of those classes where you drink wine and paint paintings.

And this was the glass that they gave her.

The fact that I couldn't be there with her is truly heartbreaking. That should've been me!

In related news, this catchphrase also applies to me. :) TGIF biznitches.

I basically have a cat

I don't hate a lot of things.

In fact, the short list off the top of my head only include the following:

1) Tyra Banks

2) A particular office manager who shall remain nameless

3) Cats - the felines, not the musical

To make a long, horrifying story short - I'm allergic to cats (and possibly to ex-boyfriends).

Well, son-of-a-beesting if I don't have a damn cat living in my yard!

It's clearly a wild cat, as I've heard it savagely maul a bird before. But it has put up shop in my backyard like I'm running a damn Holiday Inn Extended Stay.

I discourage it from staying around by never feeding it, hissing at it when I see it, and thinking really negative thoughts about it.

However, my husband, who likes to watch me freak out, feeds it scraps, beckons it to come to him, and calls it Butterscotch (even though it's black and white?!).

How do you get rid of a stray cat?!?!

Couple'a things

Really?? Really??

Bacon flavored lip balm?!

Seriously, what would you do if you kissed a guy and his lips tasted like bacon? I would run away screaming...and hungry.

Don't get me wrong, I am a total bacon lover. But some things are sacred.

Like the crunch of crispy bacon, not the bacon-taste of lips.

Ew. Yuck. Wierd. And too expensive for lip balm!

However, if you are into that sort of thing, this company also sells bacon flavored envelopes and Baconnaise, because regular mayonnaise isn't fattening enough.

Lying is not exercise

Is it just me or does every celebrity ever say in interviews that they used to be dorks who were misunderstood and too skinny when they were younger?

I'm sooo sick of it! First of all, most people would kill to be "too skinny".

Second, who cares if you were "misunderstood" in high school. You're a millionaire now with a rockin bod that can buy any clothes that you want!

It's ok not to be a tortured artist you loons. Just say, "I love my life, I love my body, and I love me face." Honesty is so much sexier.

I love when I read the rare interview in which the size 0 actress actually says she gets her figure by eating light and exercising all the time. See, that makes sense.

What I can't stand are those 90 lb waifs who claim that they never exercise and only eat steak and potatoes....SHUT. UP!

That doesn't make sense, it's not true, and it sends a terrible message to woman.

People should know the truth. Even my tombstone is going to read: "Here lies a woman who maintained her totally average figure my exercising a lot, eating and drinking too much, and always telling the damn truth!"

Quote of the Day

"I realized when you said I was a talented singer/actor...you didn't say dancer.."

Full Brush

If you ever feel like you need a go-to conversation starter, I've got a recommendation for you.

Start carrying around a full brush (i.e., not a petite purse brush/comb) in your purse and use it in front of people. They are sure to comment on it.

I was first outted as a full brush user in the magic land of Dewey Beach. I remember it well. I didn't even know it was unusual (or called a full brush) until asked, "Um, is that a full brush in your purse?" At the time my purse was pretty small so I can understand the surprise.

Now my purse is HUGE and the perfect home for my full brush.

I was in a bathroom the other night and a girl commented on mine. At a loss for how to respond I said, "If you don't have lice you can use it..." It got really awkward. That part I don't recommend.

Nonetheless, I promise people will notice you, be intrigued by you, and sometimes even ask to share with you if you follow these simple instructions:

1) Buy a full brush

2) Put it in your purse

3) Use it in public bathrooms, car rides, etc.

Easy peasy crazy!

Buh Bye

Do you remember a mere 2 weeks ago when I became obsessed with the Food Network and watched it every night while trying to survive this cruel, harsh winter?

http://www.divasayswhat.com/2010/10/ode-to-nigella_20.html

Well guess who just dropped the damn Food Network from their lineup?

AT&T Uverse, that's who!

So guess who just dropped AT&T Uverse like a bad habit?

Mamacia, that's who!

You can take away my 3 months of free HBO, you take away Fox every Sunday at 4pm for no reason, and you can cut out every 30 minutes without fail. But I'll be damned if you will take away by British flower Nigella!

Buyer beware! AT&T Uverse just got real stupid.

Random Task

Get it? He was Random Task in a certain movie...know which one?

Back to the subject of employment, I have to elaborate on the summer my husband worked at a Hungarian restaurant.

The year was 2006. After roadtrippin' it to CO where I was to change the world as a Housekeeper/Waitress/Milkshake maker at a Dude Ranch in Durango for a summer, my husband (let's call him G Star) drove to Austin, TX and lived with his friends for a few months.

Phone use was limited at the prison ranch where I worked, so I don't think I even knew G Star was looking for a job. So, you can imagine my surprise when I get a call from him one evening saying he had found a job...AS A JANITOR!

Now there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a janitor, but when you just graduated from a top public university with a college degree and the whole world in front of you, there kinda is.

And I'm talking straight up toilet-cleaning, floor-scrubbing, trash-collecting janitor. This lasted for all of a day and a half before he ended up drowning his sorrows in Lone Star Beer, lamenting his blue collar status, and turning in his badge all before 6am his second day.

At that point he stepped up his game, became a sous-chef at a Hungarian restaurant for the remaining 3 weeks of his tenure in Austin, and made at least enough money for gas to pick me back up in Durango.

I only bring this up because 1) It's hilarious, and 2) When I am worth of millions of dollars and am too good to talk to you, remind me that one day I was a housekeeper and my husband was a janitor.

Also of note, in one semester of college alone my dad had the following jobs (and he ended up alright):

1) Line cook at McDonald's (with "management potential")

2) A cab driver

3) Gas station attendant (where, if my memory serves me correctly, he actually talked someone out of robbing the store)

Diveats - Goulash with Spaetzle

This weekend was a glorious rarity.


After feasting at a Japanese steakhouse with a chef that had an uncanny resemblence to this guy on Friday night, I convinced my husband to spend the entire day of Saturday with me.


We made Goulash because I'm obsessed with it, and we make spaetzle because he worked at a Hungarian restaurant for like 3 weeks and thinks it's his speciality.


T'was a glorious creation that reminded me so much of my youth as a little lassie in the mountains of Europe.



*See next post for more on employment.

Mcydees

It's pretty clear from the abovemost picture that I've always been adorable.

But here's what you didn't know.

I haven't always been a diva.

Take a closer look at the second picture.

That's right, those shorts are from the MCDONALD'S line.

Yep that's right, apparently that was a real thing back in the day. And apparently my mom gave them to me whilst I was receiving a haircut with a bowl over my eyes.

Otherwise I'm sure I would've insisted for a more proper brand name...but not really because I still only pretty much wear Gap and Target. But you get it.

Once a diva...once a McDonald's wearing white trash.

How far we've come??? Not that far....

So, anyway

I know I have bitched about this before (here), but I have to reiterate how painfully wrong it is to start every sentence with "so".

But guess what? "So" just got a new bff. His name is "anyway" and I hate him.

I have a knew woman in my life who annoys me in almost every way possible, but mostly in how she starts and ends sentences.

Without fail, it starts with "so".

"So, I road the bus today..."

And, always always, ends with "anyway". "So, I road the bus today. Blah blah blah blah. Aaaanway."

My theory on "anyway" is that she finally starts to realize her story is pointless and awful and decides to wrap it up with some grammatical murder.

I know I am guilty of doing a million things wrong, but I pray that assaulting the English language isn't one of them.

"So" and "anyway" are like a chunky necklace with a bright bedazzled shirt. Just unnecessary!!!!

Cookie Monster

As I was making the luscious cookies below last night, I had a flashback.

I remembered the meanest thing anyone ever said to me about 10 years ago.

"I bet you are going to be the type of mom that doesn't let her kids lick the spoons with the cookie dough batter."

At the time I was highly offended and insisted that I would indeed let my kids lick.

But honestly, these days with all of the mad cow, swine flu, foreclosures, and avian bird flu floating around, I probably wouldn't let my kid eat a batter containing raw eggs.

Does that make me the meanest hypothetical mom in the culdesac?

Well, while that's not ideal, don't come crying to be when your kid has the runs from salmonella and my lil' freaks are enjoying some raw vegan "cookie" bites.

Diveats

My life partner's Birthday is on Monday and instead of a cake, he asked for homemade Great Harvest style cookies.

If you haven't tried the cookies from Great Harvest you are stupid...and probably a lot skinnier than me.

I was surprised to find out that the recipe is online! I was even more surprised to discover that the recipe calls for 0 teaspoons of vanilla! Instead, it calls for molasses.

Curious, no? I've never used molasses and it doesn't smell very good.

But the cookies were delish. I made one batch regular, for you freaks with peanut allergies. And one batch with walnuts.

If you ask me the walnuts make the cookie. Walnutetter is always better.

They tasted 400% better than they looked with my camera phone.

This is the recipe I used. http://www.recipelink.com/mf/14/24199 I highly recommend it!

Hands touching hands reaching out touching me touching you

Can you imagine hanging out with these handsy bitches in the Country Crock commercials?

For some reason this hand soaked commercial got in my head this morning and sent chills up my spine.

Check out a few of their past commercials below. Waaaay too much hands touching hands.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UaW93ClJgBc&feature=related (this one is the best...who slaps a muffin?)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ol-UKBx2RMI (talk about a hand job!)

Falling Backwards

Have you ever noticed how when someone trips/slips/falls/or just barely stubs his or her toe that person looks back immediately? As if to save face by looking back and letting your audience know that something else, whatever it was, is to blame for your trip.

People always look back at the cause, lets say its an uneven brick, and then look around at everyone who saw them fall. Then without fail, that person moves their eyes from the brick to the audience and gives a sort of shrug.

Like saying, "Ugh that brick is such an asshole. That totally wasn't my fault. You guys know that, right?"

There is no point in this. It just makes me laugh because it never doesn't happen.

Home Repairs Made Stupider

Christsluts light ;)

Just add bobby pins for a more sporty look!

When life throws you netted lighting, when you meant to buy a regular strand, plug those nets together and make it look like a set of boobs.

Then when you feel inappropriate in your own back yard due to said boobies, makes those boobs look like a sports bra and encourage girl power and physical fitness.

America the Beautiful

Happy Election Day Divoliticos.

I hope you are all out there asserting your right to vote...in something fabulous!

I myself am not voting today because, I am truly embarrassed to say, I have a stronger opinion about whether or not it's ok to hold hands than I do about who should run our local legislative offices.

That being said, I'm sure someday I'll be rich and famous and have to worry about the local and statewide goings on, as I will have multiple homes all over the country and buckets of money that need to be taxed fairly.

But in the meantime, I vote NO on handholding! It just isn't natural!

Diveats

Pumpkin Spice cakeookies with homemade cream cheese frosting.

They weren't all that great, but they took forever to ice so I had to photograph them.