How low can you go?

Yesterday I decided that apple slices and a lil' bit of peanut butter would be a good idea for afternoon snacks. So, naturally I needed a new tupperware container that wasn't so huge.

After weighing all my options, I decided on one that was big enough for my apple slices, but shallow enough that I could lick out any excess peanut butter when the apple was gone.

New low? Or sheer genius?

I don't have a dishwasher at home (so not diva!), so the less I have to scrub by hand the better!

I say genius idea because licking > hand scrubbing and I = dishwasher. Herego, I is dishwasher...nevermind, it was a good snack!

Single Lady Devastation

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sb9eL3ejXmE&feature=player_embedded

This is amazing. And devastating.

Moral: Never tell your child he/she is not a single lady!

Biggest Homo

Even though I know he's totally gay, I still have a little crush on Bob from the Biggest Loser. What a cuddly, sweet teddy bear.

And even though she's totally gay, I still - Oh wait, no Jillian is a lezbot from the screaming future. Do. Not. Want. to. Cuddle.

In News that isn't News...

Ricky Martin reveals he's gay.

http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20355546,00.html


"I am proud to say that I am a fortunate homosexual man."


And I am proud to say I am a human with eyes who knew this to be true circa 2000 when he wore his hair like the above in the "She Bangs" video.


Regardless, I'm proud of you Rick-miester. The only thing worse than wearing a Speedo is not being true to yourself.

Warm Weather is my bia

Sorry I haven't updated too much this week.

My fingers are almost too fat to type from all the junk I ate on Sunday.

Question of the day: Did you know it's possible to gain 5 lbs in one day?!

Well it is!

On a less fattening note...

Thank goodness it's a short week, due to the politically correct "Spring Day" we have this Friday.

Who needs religion when you can worship the Spring!?

If you live anywhere worth living, the rest of the week is supposed to be GORGEOUS! Get out your oversized floppy hats and SPF 80 divas! Because Vitamin D is so hot right now, but skin cancer is so not!

Facts of Life

There is almost nothing that disappoints me more than a sneeze tease.

Nose, if you're going to have the satisfaction of a mind-clearing sneeze, I support you completely!

But if you're just going to mess around with a tickled nostril and a few awkward eye closes, don't bother.

I don't have time for fake people or fake sneezes in my life.

Quote of the Day

"Shhhh. You had me at hola."

An ode to food

If I could have turned back time and pioneered two things, I would choose the following two things, without hesitation:

1) The combination of sweet and savory.

There is nothing that pleases my tastebuds more than a good yogurt covered pretzel. Even the after-crumbs in your teeth give you a delicious salty zing to your tongue, letting you know that you're alive, and that you just had a great snack.

2) The initial opening of a pineapple. I am so curious to know who the first person was who saw that and said, "That looks friendly, let's dig into that."

But, alas, whoever did discovered the most juicy fruit on Earth. God's gift to the tropics, if you will.

So far all I've invented is this life-changing blog and my own receipt for oatmeal bars.

But stay tuned, I'm still young!

Diva Rant

Do you ever count down every second until it's Friday, and then when Friday arrives you're like, "Oh crap, my life still isn't interesting."

That happened to me this morning.

Another thing that happened is that I found a fortune cookie and was going to eat it, but then I saw that it had 10 grams of fat in it so I threw it away (b/c for 10 g's I could eat a freaking piece of cake)....

Then, I looked it up online and it says there is no fat in a fortune cookie.

Why would you say there's 10 grams of fat in your cookie if there's none.

That's like me saying I weigh more than I actually weigh, then pursuing a modeling career. Not good business strategy, Fortune Cookie Inc. Call me, I'll help you out.

And...scene!

Image via http://yaleaasablog.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/fortune-cookie.jpg

Quote of the Day

"I'm gonna take the high road...AND not just because I'm high."

It hurts so good

I CANNOT wait for the next season of Real Housewives of New Jersey.

I'm still trying to wrap my head around whether or not these women are real..

http://www.bravotv.com/the-real-housewives-of-new-jersey/videos/a-new-season-brings-bigger-drama

Check out the dramz on the link above!

Owwww

You know both the paparazzi and Lindsey herself have gone too far when the following sentence enters the tabloids:

"Lindsay Lohan tripped over onto a cactus yesterday as she arrived at a friend's house in Hollywood after a night out."

That sounds so painful, so embarrasing, and so hilarious.

How does one trip over a cactus!?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1260281/Lindsay-Lohan-trips-high-heels-falls-cactus.html (Source)

Free Sample!

This really works. I got mine in the mail yesterday. T'was delicious. And free! My two favorite qualities in a food :)

http://www.startsampling.com/sm/101118/captureAddress.iphtml?item=101118&source=&ss_id=&pk_guid=127.0.0.1.33471263483215789&sample_type=sample&key=66a78b849c17a1b23f0743ea4fcc4dde

Little Known Fact

Obeying the whole "let your phone battery fully charge and fully die at least twice when you first get it" rule may result in your phone dying over night, and you being 30 minutes late to work because you use it as an alarm clock.

And, yes, I do have a backup alarm. But somehow I karate-snoozed it into my bedside table drawer in the middle of the night.

Luckily I have perfected the art of getting ready in 10 minutes, including shower. And, yes, my overall "look" has suffered from getting ready so quickly.

And, no, it doesn't make any difference.

Having a job in data entry is like being the side mirror on a truck. "If you can't see me, I can't see you."

Quote of the Day

"Living you, Loving you, Living you!"

Corny and poorly dressed

Because I love it so, I brought corn on the cob today as my afternoon/lunch snack.

Apparently this is not common workplace behavior.

I haven't gotten this many odd stares since I wore tapered pants and jazz boots to my first day of my first job at 1-800-PackRat.*

*This sentence is based on an unbelievable true story. No facts have been altered.

Just Dance

I officially tuned in to my first season of Dancing With the Stars last night.

So far, I know 3 things to be true:

1) The condescending tone of Kate Gosselin's voice transcends all television mediums.

2) Pamela Anderson is an over-sexed leprechaun with elephantitis of the hair.

3) That was the longest 2 hours of my life.

We'll see if I can make it through the whole season.

Image via http://entertainment.blogs.foxnews.com/2010/03/22/which-dancing-with-the-stars-contestant-are-you-rooting-for/

Quote of the Day

"Honey, I'm too tired to slap you. Bash your face up against my palm."

Daily Mariah

Mariah Carey's New Album, 'Angels Advocate' Cancelled!

http://allieiswired.com/archives/2010/03/mariah-careys-new-album-angels-advocate-canceled/

I'm sure this is some sort of karmic retribution for selling her concert tickets for over $200, but word on the street is, "Mariah Carey’s anticipated remix album, “Angel’s Advocate” has been shelved by her record company, completely!"

Oh, how the mighty fall from grace. And oh, how hard they thud after having gained 40 pounds in the last year!

The world is, indeed, a vampire

Nights after big nights out always find me tossing and turning and not being able to sleep.

Coincidentally, I knew this morning, when a chirpy little bird outside my window reminded me not of animated blue birds on my shoulder, but instead of the N.R.A., that today was going to be a super day.

Happy Monday mo fo's.

Here's hoping we just make it through the day.

Quote of the Day

"Honey, that colour doesn't even look good on an orange."

Lonely teardrops

Getting hurt when you're alone is an interesting phenomenon.

The pain is still there. But since there is noone around to give you smpathy or attention, there is absolutely no reason to make a big deal out of it.

The best you could hope for is a dramatic renactment when your roommate returns, but that's not nearly as satisfying as someone being there in the flesh to backup your re-telling of the story.

Luckily, I have a guest coming in town tomorrow so I can complain to her ;)

And on the bright side, an incident like this totally justifies a self-pitying pedicure after work!!

When life hands you lemons, you should trade them for cucumber slices for your eyes and treat yourself to a spa day!

Let me see you 1, 2 step

My worst fear was realized last night (besides sharks, heights, and getting stuck in things).

I finally fell down the super steep, crappy old steps in my house.

That's the last time I tinkle before going to sleep.

I'd rather wet the bed then get another ass/back/elbow bruise combo like I have right now.

To make matters worse, it was too late at night to drink the pain away, so I got a frightful bad sleep.*

*Also sponsored by the a-hole who revs his motorbike engine all night, e'ry night in the parking lot next door; and the rabid squirrels humping outside my window.

Oh, the horror!

I saw a girl yesterday wearing denim capris and tevas.

I'm still in shock.

Quote of the Day

"It's a three bedroom, two-and-a-half bath. I have no idea what a half-bath is... I think you have to pee in the sink."

NC > Your state

"Thursday, March 18th, from 11 AM to 3 PM, all 30 NC Jimmy John's will offer one regular 8" sub (#'s 1-6 from the menu) for just $1. According to the flyer, there is a limit of one per person, in-store purchase only."

Kristen Stewart needs to go to diva school

If I were Kristen Stewart's hairdresser, I would just totally give up and switch professions.

The amount of time she spends switching the bulk of her hair from side to side is actually painful to watch.

As is her overall deamonor. I mean, I'm awkward. But she is in her own planet of awkwardness...Where she is the queen...and there are lots of little Kristen Stewarts running around that are half her size, but equally as awkward.

Check out this vid. http://www.latenightwithjimmyfallon.com/blogs/2010/03/kristen-stewart-dr-drew/

I really hate to bash her like this, but I also think she's a waste of hot outfits. She wears beautiful dresses and walks, talks, and dry coughs like a total slob!

WTF!?

It's ok to be a lady/diva K.S. Embrace it!

She's Baaaack!

I finally have a fully functioning cell phone.

It's amazing! There's no tape on it, it charges, AND I can see who's calling when it rings!

The best part is that I don't have to start a stupid facebook group called "I lost my phone send me your numbers!".

Thanks to a little thing I like to call Word Document "Phone Numbers."

Three cheers for (over)planning!

Quote of the Day

"Close your mouth, it looks like you're missing a chromosome!"

Census 2010

Did you know that it's against the law to NOT fill out the Census?

Surely this is one of the most broken laws of all time.

It barely looks like more than junk mail. I almost threw it away

Nonetheless, I filled it out. Mr. Census sure is nosey!

The only real data that I forsee them getting from this survey is how old the general population is, and what percentage are in an inter-racial couple.

Don't forget to fill out your racial background by April 2010!

Image via http://www.bapaweb.org/images/Census2010_with_Hands_Color.gif

Opposites are confusing

I think I have collected enough evidence over the last decade to firmly confirm that, indeed, women and men are from different planets.


I won't go into specific details. But I will say that I 100% don't understand the way men think or act. Sometimes I actually think my head might explode with confusion and frustration.


That being said, I'm sure some guys think I'm a crazy loon who has a blog about divas and is OCD and controlling, but that's beside the points.


Guys are wierd.

I love them! But guys are wierd.

Quote of the Day

"Which lever do I pull to be crushed by a Safe?"

Inedible

It kind of scares me when people talk about babies like they are edible:

"I could just eat her up."

"I could just eat you with a spoon."

"I could just him in a little pita pocket and eat him for a snack."

If someone said that about my fictional baby, I probably wouldn't let him/her hold the baby.

And an all-star performance from Paul Abdul (re: David Archuleta):

"David, you are ridiculous. I wanted to squish you, squeeze your head off, and dangle you from my rear-view mirror. You are, no, honest to god, that is one of the most beautiful songs ever written, and one of the most moving performances I’ve ever heard.”

FML

I just received the following email from a coworker.

"Hi all,
In about 5 minutes there will be a double-layer, yellow sheet cake in the break room left over from last night’s event ..."

Not cool.

If you had to chose

Would you rather spill scolding hot chocolate on your legs? Or your keyboard?

I couldn't decide a minute ago, so I did both.

Image via http://www.complacent.org/feb15/images/complacent_face.gif

Happy Letters

The only thing better than being able to say T.G.I.F. is A.L.I.A.L.

A.L.I.A.L. = At least it's almost lunchtime!



Image via http://www.itslunchtime.be/images/home/lunchtime_inside03bis-9x1.jpg

I totally saw this coming

"How cheap imitation Ugg boots are 'crippling' a generation of fashion victim women"

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1258073/How-cheap-imitation-Ugg-boots-crippling-generation-fashion-victim-women.html (image via)


Once again my intuition and total lack of fashion sense have paid off, as I have never worn an Ugg.


Now someone just needs to start designing fashionable back braces for these ladies in the next few decades.

The More the Merrier

I agree with the statement "the more the merrier."

If you think about it, the more people there are around you, the more likely you are to find someone that doesn't annoy you!

Image via http://www.istockphoto.com/file_thumbview_approve/7808634/2/istockphoto_7808634-big-group-of-young-jumping-people.jpg

The results are in...

Day 2 of the time change hit me today like a delayed hangover. I'm a sleepy girl.

Also, I like to wake up feeling like a diva, not a vampire.

Waking up before the sun should be illegal.

Image via https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnfXSAffpqOtZ4Hr0QL2EjfkX4UetT4dLwBSA_aJ-dAQYzT9yIfVBvXg_xzLU3ev9iqWWmbQR-njhzCRUqxoD80h2MXf5Om9GYY7R69HYNopBQNoBSPqWD-9a2wXJeozjc1S2t9CTPAA/s320/chocula.jpg

Quote of the Day

"I wanna be a good gay son. Like Dick Chaney's daughter."

Now I DID see this coming (but never cared)

"Kate Gosselin is being a "total diva" on the set of "Dancing With the Stars" -- snubbing other contestants and behaving frostily to crew."

http://www.nypost.com/p/pagesix/kate_attitude_roils_dancing_PH4N6JImJn89qvCCKrLDMI (image via)


Kate, just because you are no longer wearing a reverse mullet, it doesn't mean you're not still the same condescending mother of 8 who sat on a stupid couch with your ex-husband for multiple seasons on TLC.


My advice?


Keep your toes pointed, your back straight, maintain clean lines, and keep your mouth shut.

Blimey!

Kate Winslet Break Up: SPLITS From Husband Sam Mendes

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/03/15/kate-winslet-break-up-spl_n_499474.html (image via)

I did not see that coming.

In case you were ever curious...

not having a phone is NOT awesome.

I haven't had one (that works) at all for about a week now and it is sooo inconvenient.

Luckily, I get my new phone tomorrow so I will be back in action.

In the meantime, I will continue to email people to tell them I got their voicemail, can't call them back, and, thus, have used everyone's time inefficiently.

Image via http://mburgan.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/quakers.jpg

Selfish

People who restrict you from seeing ALL of their pictures on facebook are selfish.

That's not how the little game I like to call "social networking" works.

Image via http://www.newschool.edu/centers/socres/privacy/privacy.jpg

Hair did/Make On

After getting my makeup professionally done for the first time ever this past weekend, I now see why celebrities think they are so much better than everyone else.

Paying someone to beautify you while you sit back and relax truly does make you feel superior.

However, seeing myself wear lipstick for the first time was a little unnerving.

It was kind of an internal screaming reaction when I looked in the mirror.

AAAAAHH!

Image via http://beaut.ie/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/02/istock_000002160320xsmall.jpg

Fun Fact

On Daylight Savings day (spring forward edition), you can eat every meal an hour earlier than you are used to!

SCORE!!

Image via http://www.healthnews-stat.com/primages/binge-eating.jpg

Quote of the Day

"Holy Cripes." " Am I outside??"

Gap Pants Suck

I got a pair a few years ago that were called the "Perfect Pants". And in all fairness, they were for the first wear.

Now, after just one wash, they are still the perfect fit, only now it would be perfect for a giant chubby/tall baby who wears huge diapers.

And the other day I bought some nice cottony/lineny pants that really did fit perfectly. I was elated with my purchase.

Now, one wash and IRON later (I loathe ironing and would never have purchased had I known this was required), I'm sitting here looking like Wrinkles McGee and Frumpy Dumpy had a love child on my legs.

Note to future self, stay away from Gap pants.

I'm just going to go to the Limited from now on when I need work pants and take advantage of the "buy 2, get 6 free" deal they usually have going on over there.

Image via http://bunow.bloomu.edu/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/gap-pants3.jpg

Good --> Bad

I just got bitch slapped by Mother Nature.

When I left my house this morning, it was the perfect temperature outside, no rain, no jacket required. La dee da dee da.

By the time I got to work it was pouring down rain. Now:

I = Drowned Rat

Pants = Stuck to my ample thighs

Shoes and socks = Soaked to the bones

Awesome new hand bag = A lil' damp but I think she's going to make it

TGIF = Priceless!

Image via http://www.eontarionow.com/images/Rain.jpg